U.S. Military Switches To Swords And Bows To Meet Carbon Neutral Goals

The Babylon Bee ^ | 11-15-2021 | The Babylon Bee

[servo1969]

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The modern military takes on a lot of duties. There’s meeting diversity quotas. There’s Critical Race Theory training. And there’s helping the environment. Also, thrown in there are some requirements to protect the country. Well, the Pentagon has announced a new policy that will help the U.S. military meet some of those goals: They’re now switching all weapons to swords and bows.

“We have a deadly enemy out there,” announced General “Sparkles” McKenzie, “and it’s called carbon. The problem with modern-day weapons is that they take a lot of carbon to make. But if we get some nice bespoke swords or bows and arrows, that will help us stay carbon neutral, and you can all sleep safe at night.”

The Pentagon outlined many advantages to swords and bows other than their environmental impact. For one, it helps the military get rid of the M-16, a rifle they had wanted to stop using for a while, since it resembles the AR-15 preferred by right-wing nutjobs. Also, swords and bows don’t make loud noises, and loud noises have been known to trigger more sensitive soldiers.

There are some problems with the new policy, though. Some military simulations have shown that swords and bows do put the military at a disadvantage against armies that still use irresponsible gunpowder and explosive weapons. “We have a modern weapon for that,” explained McKenzie. “It’s called the hashtag #StopTheBang. Everyone get on Twitter with that, and I’m sure we can shame our enemies into doing the right thing.”

[Tell It Right]

I like the idea of having a little solar at or near the battlefield, but only as a backup plan in case of logistical nightmares in transporting fuel into hotspots. Say, a communication relay station having both a regular generator powered by gas or diesel, along with a few solar panels and backup battery in case your fuel source is diminished.

But stuff like that is about the only useful thing green energy brings to the military.

[Deplorable American1776]

Funny from the Babylon Bee as usual!!!

[Diana in Wisconsin]

Oh, Hells Bells! Just give me a freshly sharpened Ticonderoga #2 Pencil and let me work my magic. ;)

"Army Training, Sir!"

Love, love, LOVE The Bee! :)

[Diana in Wisconsin]

[Vaduz]

Smile wait for the flash.

[Scrambler Bob]

No High-Carbon steel allowed!

[SuperLuminal]

I’d almost accept the “swords”, but draw the line at wearing pretty “bows” in their hair...

Although its already a standard for some of the Navy & AF personnel...