A man called his mother in Florida ,
Mom, how are you?
Not too good, said the mother. I’ve been very weak.
The son said, Why are you so weak?
She said, Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.
The son said, That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answered, Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food
if you should call.
Nineteen Newfoundlanders go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks
Why so many of you? Buddy replies, The film said 18 or over.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop
and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance,
so I pushed her over.
Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a m. Can you believe that! 2:30 a m
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
Guy goes into a taxidermy shop with two dead rabbits.
Do you want them mounted? the taxidermist asked. No just holding hands.
The wife was counting all the nickels and dimes out on the kitchen table when
she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world,
has swum with sharks, has wrestled bears and has climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise for me to learn his name was Bindair Dundat
Little girl comes down a country path pulling a great big bull.
A farmer coming the other way says, What are you doing? I’m taking this bull
down to the cows so he can mate with them. Well, can’t your father do that?
No . . . it’s gotta’ be a bull.
Guy sitting at a bar tells his buddy that he got a job as a diesel fitter
in a pantyhose factory. What’s that? Well, I take the pantyhose off the machine,
hold them up, and say, Hey, Diesel Fitter.
I do taxes. A lady called me on April 20th and asked if I’d do her taxes.
When she got here I got her name, SS#, address and the rest of the mundane crap.
I asked what she did for a living. She said I’m a whore. I told her I couldn’t
put that on her return so she said I’m a prostitute. I told her the same thing
so she said I run an escort service. I explained you can’t say that as you
could be arrested. She sat for while and thought. Finally she said I’m an exotic
chicken farmer! I said How did you come up with that? She said I raised a
thousand little peckers last year! I said Chicken farmer it is.
Retired Person’s Perspective
1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people I’m just saying let’s
remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way
much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding
a gun, she’s probably very unhappy.
4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone
you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.
5. I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated”
gets thrown around in the courtroom.
6. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
(That is like the guy who named his dog “5 miles” and walked “5 miles” every day)
8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers:
If you find one, what’s your plan?
9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
10. Old age is not as bad as I thought. It’s a good feeling when you feel happy
just to wake up in the morning.
A Californian, a Texan, and a New Yorker, attending a convention in a little
town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.
The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he
threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it to pieces. He told the other
startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high in California that they
never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the New Yorker finished drinking his Manhattan, and threw his glass against
the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in New York not only were they all are
rich from banking and imports, he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Texan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the Californian and
the New Yorker. As he was returning the gun to his holster, he told the wide-eyed
bartender that in Texas they had so many New Yorkers and Californians that they never
had to drink with the same ones twice.
Never Squat With Your Spurs ON
Most will make you smile. A little wisdom is thrown in.
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post,
was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.
Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it’s still there.
11. Letting the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious,and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly...
there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d
hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said,
I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
when the bird continued, May I ask what the turkey did?
A farmer was showing a city slicker his farm, and when they came to
the pig pen, the following exchange took place:
CITY SLICKER: Hey! That pig only has three legs! What happened to it?
Was it born that way?
FARMER: Well, no I’m glad you asked. That pig is s special-un.
He saved the life of me and my family. Our farm was on fire while we were
all sleeping, and that there pig got loose, came into the house and raised
such a ruckus, and wouldn’t stop, that we all woke.
We couldn’t find our way out, and that there pig led us through the smoke
and fire to safety. Yea, he is a special-un. So, we feel an obligation to treat
him right special.
CITY SLICKER: That’s amazing! What happened to his leg, did he injure it
in the fire?
FARMER: Oh, no. A pig that special, you just don’t eat all at once.
Two Alberta Farmers were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?
The second one replies, Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!
The first one says, with wide eyes, Wow, they aren’t very expensive.
At this price, I’m buying one.
The second farmer smiles and pats him on the back. Good idea! Order one and if
she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.
Three weeks later, the younger farmer asks his friend, Did you ever receive the
girl you ordered from the Sears catalog? The second farmer replies.
No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!
Subject: Short story
Hillary phoned the president’s office shortly after midnight.
I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!, exclaimed Hillary.
After some cajoling, the president’s assistant agreed to wake him up.
So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?, grumbled Trump.
A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take her place begged Hillary.
Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortician, replied President Trump.
I saw a middle aged couple holding hands as they walked through the mall. I thought it was so sweet that they were still that way in love that I said so.
“Yeah,” said the man, “I always hold her hand. When I let go she shops.”
Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
You stay here; I’ll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at
him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it
too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The
other says, Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least
one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Why Teachers Drink
The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons? A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed? A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A.. If you are buying a house
they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A.. Very important.
Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q. What happens to your body as you age? A.. When you get old, so do your
bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A.. He says goodbye to his
boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes? A.. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination? A... That be the farmer in CA that does it
to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf )
Q. What is the fibula? A.. A small lie
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean? A.. Nearby
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Cesarean section’ A.. The caesarean section
is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure? A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean? A.. Benign is what you will be after you
be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine? A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.
Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it
around his head.
BOOKbump
Bookmark
Bookmark
Two old widows were sitting on the porch talking.
Maybell asked: Ethyl, when you and Cepheus had relations, did y’all have mutual orgasms?
Ethyl thought for a minute and said, “No. I believe we had Allstate.”
The optimist says “the glass is half full,”
the pessimist says “the glass is half empty,”
the engineer says the glass is too large.