A man called his mother in Florida ,
Mom, how are you?
Not too good, said the mother. I’ve been very weak.
The son said, Why are you so weak?
She said, Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.
The son said, That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answered, Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food
if you should call.
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, What part is it?
The boy says, I play the part of the Jewish husband.
The mother scowls and says, Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out,
she’ll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love?
“Honey, I’m home!”
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night;
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the
doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen
answered, So did my arthritis!
Doctor: You’ll live to be 60! Patient: I am 60! Doctor: See! What did I tell you?
Patient: I have a ringing in my ears. Doctor: Don’t answer!
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, You’ve been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says Okay, let’s get started.
A doctor, an engineer, and a computer scientist were discussing who among them
belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said,
Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him
the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.
The engineer replied, But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from
chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering
is an older profession than medicine.
Then, the programmer spoke up. Yes, he said,
But where do you think all the chaos came from?
Omgosh-!
Colonial35 -
FUNNY!