I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out,
she’ll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love?
“Honey, I’m home!”
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night;
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the
doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen
answered, So did my arthritis!
Doctor: You’ll live to be 60! Patient: I am 60! Doctor: See! What did I tell you?
Patient: I have a ringing in my ears. Doctor: Don’t answer!
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, You’ve been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says Okay, let’s get started.
Last week I put a “Roach Motel” under the sink.
Went to check on it yesterday.
They had converted it to roach condominiums.
with a tip of the hat to Henny Youngman.....
I went to the doctor and told him I think I broke my leg in 2 places. He said “Then don’t go to those places again!”
My doctor told me I had an incurable disease. Shocked, I said “I want a second opinion!” He replied “OK then. Here’s another opinion. You are ugly too!”
I went to the dentist. He told me my teeth were fine but my GUMS had to come out.
I had a girl friend who had lovely, silky hair that grew down her back. Sadly, none grew on her head!
I was bow-legged and she was knock-kneed. When we stood together, we spelled ox!