Posted on 11/20/2020 8:57:46 AM PST by Colonial35
Attorney riding in his limo sees a family on the side of the road on their hands and knees. He tells his driver to pull over and see if there is a PI case there. The driver informs him that the family is so poor they are eating the grass. The attorney tells the family get in the limo, I will feed you!. I will take you to my home. Later the mother asks are you really going to feed us? And the attorney says hell yes, I fired the Gardner two weeks ago and the grass is out of control.
The ninety three year old lady finished her annual physical examination,
the Doctor said, You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Grier, but tell me:
Do you still have intercourse?
Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband, she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:
Bob, do we still have intercourse?
There was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, If I told you once, Irma, I’ve told you a hundred Times.
What we have is
Blue Cross!
Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
You stay here; I’ll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at
him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it
too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The
other says, Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least
one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Why Teachers Drink
The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons? A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed? A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A.. If you are buying a house
they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A.. Very important.
Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q. What happens to your body as you age? A.. When you get old, so do your
bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A.. He says goodbye to his
boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes? A.. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination? A... That be the farmer in CA that does it
to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf )
Q. What is the fibula? A.. A small lie
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean? A.. Nearby
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Cesarean section’ A.. The caesarean section
is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure? A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean? A.. Benign is what you will be after you
be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine? A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.
Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it
around his head.
🤣😂
Last week I put a “Roach Motel” under the sink.
Went to check on it yesterday.
They had converted it to roach condominiums.
BOOKbump
WWG1WGA
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
Bindair Dundat
Would be a great FR handle.
All the toilets have been stolen from the local police station. Investigators say at this time they have nothing to go on.
“If you don’t know what a GED is.... you’ve probably got one too!” - Ron White
Bookmark
Bookmark
When you really don’t want to lose your place?
Bookmark.
Two old widows were sitting on the porch talking.
Maybell asked: Ethyl, when you and Cepheus had relations, did y’all have mutual orgasms?
Ethyl thought for a minute and said, “No. I believe we had Allstate.”
Omgosh-!
Colonial35 -
FUNNY!
"God must be a mechanical engineer,” says the first. “Just look at the joints in the human body."
“No,” say’s the second man. “God must be an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
“You’re both wrong,” says the third man. "God has to be a civil engineer.”
“Why’s that?” ask the other two men.
“Well who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"
with a tip of the hat to Henny Youngman.....
I went to the doctor and told him I think I broke my leg in 2 places. He said “Then don’t go to those places again!”
My doctor told me I had an incurable disease. Shocked, I said “I want a second opinion!” He replied “OK then. Here’s another opinion. You are ugly too!”
I went to the dentist. He told me my teeth were fine but my GUMS had to come out.
I had a girl friend who had lovely, silky hair that grew down her back. Sadly, none grew on her head!
I was bow-legged and she was knock-kneed. When we stood together, we spelled ox!
The optimist says “the glass is half full,”
the pessimist says “the glass is half empty,”
the engineer says the glass is too large.
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