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Groaners;)
email from friend | 10/5/2020 | unknown

Posted on 10/05/2020 3:30:08 AM PDT by sodpoodle

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision. Suture self. _,___


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: clever; cute; humor; jokes; playonwords
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To: freedumb2003

I dated a Japanese girl with one leg shorter than the other. Her name was Irene.


21 posted on 10/05/2020 7:07:28 AM PDT by elcid1970 ("Pres. Trump doesn't wear glasses. That's because he's got 2020.")
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To: elcid1970

*ahem* Last line of my post :)


22 posted on 10/05/2020 7:11:17 AM PDT by freedumb2003 ("Do not mistake activity for achievement." - John Wooden)
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To: sodpoodle

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.


23 posted on 10/05/2020 7:28:36 AM PDT by fidelis (Zonie and USAF Cold Warrior)
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To: fidelis

Believe it or not, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire’s heart works even if the guy happens to not be a vampire...


24 posted on 10/05/2020 7:29:13 AM PDT by fidelis (Zonie and USAF Cold Warrior)
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To: sodpoodle

We are at the Beach and my wife was arrested for having a flat chest, so we sued, the Judge tossed the case due to insuffient evidence.


25 posted on 10/05/2020 7:35:11 AM PDT by Rappini (Compromise has its place. It's called second.)
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To: sodpoodle

My bird told me it had contracted chirpes, the canarial disease. Unfortunately, it was untweetable.


26 posted on 10/05/2020 8:10:51 AM PDT by eldoradude (Bad robot)
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To: freedumb2003

What do you call a man with no arms or legs ...

... hanging on the wall? Art.
... on the front porch? Matt.
... in the pool? Bob.
... in the hot-tub? Stu.


27 posted on 10/05/2020 8:40:19 AM PDT by Be Free (When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.)
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To: suthener; sodpoodle

I have the biggest seashell collection in the history of mankind. I keep it scattered on the beaches throughout the world.

Another Steve Wright.


28 posted on 10/05/2020 12:19:39 PM PDT by freedumb2003 ("Do not mistake activity for achievement." - John Wooden)
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To: sodpoodle

This one is sure to offend... But my son brought it home from school and I have to share it:

Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she understands.

I know... I know... I awful.


29 posted on 10/05/2020 1:39:44 PM PDT by Raven6 (Psalm 144:1 and Proverbs 22:3)
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To: sodpoodle

This one is sure to offend... But my son brought it home from school and I have to share it:

Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she understands.

I know... I know... I awful.


30 posted on 10/05/2020 1:41:01 PM PDT by Raven6 (Psalm 144:1 and Proverbs 22:3)
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To: Be Free

What do you call a dog with no legs??
Call him whatever you want, he still won’t come to you.
What do you do for a dog with no legs?
Take him for a drag.


31 posted on 10/05/2020 4:50:13 PM PDT by Keyhopper (Indians had bad immigration laws)
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To: sodpoodle

THE PREACHER AND THE RETIRED CHIEF’S WIFE!
Out in town....a Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that could pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in town stands up and proclaims,
“If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,
“If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!
“More sighs and loud applause.
Joe Tavares stands up and says ,if the preacher stays I will provide him with all the wine he wants.
Finally a retired Chief’s wife, Sadie, age 88, stands and announces with a smile...
“If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!”
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her,.......
“Sadie, whatever possessed you to say that?”
Sadie’s 90 year old husband, a retired Navy Boatswain Mate Chief is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,.....
“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,.......
“Screw him!”
Isn’t senility wonderful?


32 posted on 10/15/2020 3:14:31 AM PDT by mad_as_he$$
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To: sodpoodle
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx

33 posted on 10/19/2020 4:31:42 AM PDT by SERE_DOC ( The beauty of the Second Amendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it. TJ)
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To: sodpoodle

Lazy? Ha. If Laziness could be an Olympic sport, I would purposefully come in 4th so I wouldn’t have to go and stand on any podium. :)


34 posted on 10/19/2020 4:39:00 AM PDT by ZinGirl (Now a grandma ....can't afford a tagline :))
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