Posted on 05/03/2020 12:15:58 AM PDT by knighthawk
SACRAMENTO, CA—Governor Gavin Newsom has instructed detention facilities across California to begin releasing violent felons to make room for skateboarders, surfers, and other people who have committed the heinous crime of going outside.
Thousands of cells have now been freed up for "the dregs of society," as Newsom referred to people who go to the beach or skate at a skate park. As the felons left the prisons, they laughed at the skaters and surfers entering their previous cells. The skater bros just said, "Dude, not cool" and the surfers said, "Totes not stoked bra, major kook move dude."
"We need to free up those prison cells for the really dangerous people, like beachgoers," said Governor Gavin Newsom at a press conference. "We can't have those dangerous people who sit on the beach for a few hours or do doozy flipkicks and 630 spinaroos out on our streets."
The felons went out and immediately committed crimes, but many were undocumented immigrants and so were given a stimulus check instead of getting arrested.
Have been hearing California gov Gavin Newsom being referred to as “Governor Yoga Pants”.
Not a good idea to mess with surfers and skaters.
This is you democratic leader California! It would be funny if California went for trump in november
the reality is almost indistinguishable from the satire.
They’ll gripe and moan and protest and vote for more of the same old thing in November, because Republicans are “mean.”
Whoever wrote this does not understand that the state employs police not to keep you safe but to punish those who oppose it.
The Babylon Bee’s writers understand this perfectly. That’s why they’re writing satire that’s mistaken for straight news reportage.
Out in the real world, California’s beach-goers have my support.
I thought The Babylon Bee was supposed to be satire.
Scientist have long known about the potential of catching a pathogen from the ocean spray. They know that days after a rainfall, runoff from the roadway causes swimmers to catch respiratory infections, skin rashes and ear infections. They know that coronaviruses are encased in a “hydrophobic” lipid, or fatty, membrane. Fat tends to float to the surface of water. When waves break in the surf zone and all the foam and spray from the waves get picked up by the wind, the viruses, the bacteria, pollutants and stuff that makes you itch is airborne. With COVID-19 in the mist, you are playing Russian roulette.
You know, even though BB is satire, the article still reminds me of a line from: “A Clockwork Orange” (in the book, and also made it into the movie), where the Minister of the Interior was discussing the mind-control techniques they’re about to subject Alex to.
“...Besides, we will soon be needing all our prison space for political offenders, anyway...”
I like “GRUESOME NEWSOME” a whole lot better. It even rhymes.
I’ll take my odds with the lottery first I live in Ca I know them.
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