Posted on 04/07/2020 10:53:35 AM PDT by nickcarraway
— Respiratory moratorium should bring COVID-19 to a quick halt
Citing the effectiveness of sex abstinence in preventing sexually-transmitted infections like HIV, the CDC now strongly advises Americans to abstain from breathing for at least 2 weeks in an effort to quickly curb the spread of the novel coronavirus, which is transmitted via the respiratory route.
"I'm afraid that social distancing and travel bans are not enough," said CDC Director Robert Redfield, adding that preliminary research on this virus indicates that the best way to avoid infection is to simply not inhale.
"Every time you take in a new breath of air, you are unnecessarily putting yourself in danger because that air may be contaminated by coronavirus," Redfield said. "It's too risky -- we simply can't recommend breathing at this time."
Redfield is cautiously optimistic that if everyone agrees to a 2-week moratorium on all respiratory activities, this global pandemic will come to a rapid end.
Experts also believe that abstinence from breathing can be more than a preventive measure; it can also be an effective treatment for those already infected by the virus.
"It's been a while since I studied biochemistry, but in an affected patient, whose cells have been overtaken by virus particles, I'm pretty sure that if we deprive those cells of oxygen, they won't be able to replicate the virus anymore," said a beaming Redfield, adding that he personally spent the morning visiting hospitalized COVID-19 patients and shutting off their oxygen.
A poll of 100,000 Americans revealed that there is massive support for this plan, with many hailing it as life-saving. However, a few believed it didn't go far enough. For that reason, the government has also announced an immediate ban on coughing and sneezing in public. Authorities are prepared to charge those who disobey this order with attempted murder.
Meanwhile, at press time, several new studies suggested that the novel coronavirus sometimes spreads via the fecal-oral route. As such, the CDC was set to urge people to also abstain from defecating for at least one month. Look for public service announcements with the slogan "Just Hold It In!" to appear on your TV screens as early as tonight.
Ok everyone, hold your breath in 3,2,1..GO
I know it sounds hard to do, but after the first 5 or 10 minutes it gets much easier.
LOL
I keep passing out and wake up later breathing!!
It’s pretty hard to do.
I suggest "Dr." Fauci and Deborah (or whatever her first name is) Birx (or whatever her last name is) provide official examples of the proper procedure.
Start with the media...
Biden and Hillary have that problem
Thanks so much for a badly needed laugh!
I read that and can actually picture Debbie Birx saying it with a sincere and somber face.
Seeing as how breathing contributes to Climate Change, and seeing as how that’s been the CDC’s biggest worry for the past 10 years, it makes sense.
You are welcome.
I like the last suggestion. Then there wouldn’t be a shortage of TP.
Has to be from the Babylon Bee. Has to.
A side benefit is stopping the exhaling of CO2.
AOC will put this into the Green New Deal.
Only when you’re outside right?
You can breathe all you want at home?
“I keep passing out and wake up later breathing!!
It’s pretty hard to do.”
You might see if you can get a friend to help you.
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