Skip to comments.Nation's Nerds Wake Up In Utopia Where Everyone Stays Inside, Sports Are Canceled, Social Interaction Forbidden
Posted on 03/13/2020 9:59:19 AM PDT by bitt
The nation's nerds woke up in a utopia this morning, one where everyone stays inside, sporting events are being canceled, and all social interaction is forbidden.
All types of nerds, from social introverts to hardcore PC gamers, welcomed the dawn of this new era, privately from their own homes.
"I have been waiting my whole life for this moment," said Ned Pendleton, 32 -- via text message, of course -- as he fired up League of Legends on his beefy gaming PC. "They told me to take up a sport and that the kids playing basketball and stuff were gonna be way more successful than us nerds who played Counter-Strike at LAN parties every weekend."
"They all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now?"
To prepare for the onslaught of the deadly disease, nerds are changing absolutely nothing and are expected to rise up to rule the post-Coronavirus society, as they are the ones best adjusted to being sheltered in a basement, garage, or room for many days at a time marathoning Halo, Half-Life, The Legend of Zelda, Red Dead Redemption, or Horizon Zero Dawn. They're also ready for any post-apocalyptic wasteland, as they've played many, many hours of Fallout and are adept at killing bloatflies and collecting bottlecaps.
Of course, many nerds are running out of hygienic products, but they say that's "not an issue."
Actually it is amazing.
They are canceling all these liberal propaganda events where people do drugs, have promiscuous sex and get indoctrinated in to the liberal world view.
Very powerful brainwashing techniques.
I play red dead redemption. It’s a great game. League of legends meh.
Glacinda the Troll Time!
(BBT, the Hot Troll Deviation)
PlayStation or xBox?
Bump for parody being better than enemedia scare tactics.
I’d recommend Americans read the Bible, the Constitution and Bill of Rights, and biographies of our founding fathers.
Funny, but not really spot on.
If you’re a big gamer nerd or just a hidey homey, you don’t go out anyway, and you ignore sports and parties, so it doesn’t matter to you if everyone else is couped up inside. heh
I would play Red Dead Redemption if it was a PC game and if it was multiplayer. I don’t do counsel games even though I grew up with them (Oddessy, Atari, NES, etc)
Have been thinking about a game platform for Christmas.
Link to the Bee today, virtually every story is funny because they contain a grain of truth. Love that site.
I’m an introverted homebody, so yes, this actually does feel like the world slowing down and calming down to my level. I admit I’m eager to see how this changes the culture. As long as the stock market eventually rebounds, and Trump is re-elected, I’m... not celebrating, but I’m not unhappy.
“Im eager to see how this changes the culture”
All the sexy ladies cooped up inside will take up gaming and become gamer gurls...
well, we can dream at least.
I don’t even need to read the story, how can the body top that headline? The header says it all, hilarious!
Sure, get a console.
If you want to be on the bottom of the gaming food chain.
The Internets will be heavily loaded...
Well, the public Internets will...
Schools, public offices closed. Hysterical reaction. One school closes and the notices at the bottom of the TV screen are updated within seconds, which tells other administrators that they had better close their schools too. Self-perpetuating hysteria.
My question: what the hell will happen if there’s a REAL crisis? Putting the country in a strict lockdown will cause problems far greater than the virus. Businesses will close and be unable to open again. Jobs will evaporate. The government will be throwing money around to “alleviate” the problem, leading to rampant inflation and destroying our life savings.
Maybe for packing supplies into a car.
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