Posted on 06/21/2019 3:13:41 PM PDT by sodpoodle
Why Did You Leave Canada?
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?", said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?", replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
A WISE MAN ONCE SAID ... NOTHING.
RESPECT YOUR ELDERS: THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.
BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.
INSTEAD OF "SINGLE" AS A MARITAL STATUS I PREFER "INDEPENDENTLY OWNED AND OPERATED."
PATIENCE: WHAT YOU HAVE WHEN THERE ARE TOO MANY WITNESSES.
VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN'T HUNT, FISH, OR LIGHT FIRES!
I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK, "REALLY? THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"
IN MY DEFENSE, I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.
MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL CROSSING THE ROAD.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID, AND I USUALLY REALIZE THAT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.
IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL, JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.
Always remember the wife has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that - is the start of a new argument.
CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.
Truth. At least the small fortune bit. I know people who spent $40,000 (and more) to buy an RV they only use 10 days a year.
10 years ago, I spent $7,500 on a quality USED RV. Can’t count how many days, weeks and even months I’ve used it.
BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.
Truth.
Husband: What’d I do wrong this time?
Wife: If you don’t know, then I won’t tell you.
A WISE MAN ONCE SAID ... NOTHING.
Truth.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
INSTEAD OF “SINGLE” AS A MARITAL STATUS I PREFER “INDEPENDENTLY OWNED AND OPERATED.”
Amen! :)
Food was over boiled and rendered tasteless and limp.
Some pretty good zingers there.
You would have given Jack Benny a run for his money.
bkmk
Get thee to Gibby’s
Why do people who live in Athens have trouble waking up in the morning?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Hah.
I got the Government to pay for me going camping much of the time across an eleven year time span.
ROTFL........good stuff
My friends wife was named Dawn, while on vacation he bought a hat at the country store that said:
I’m So Horny
even the crack of dawn looks good.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it!
CC
I'm 78. I used the Internet in the last two years of my undergraduate degree. It was called DARPA net in those days. There were others. The universities had them, government and health providers did as well.
What I lacked was a laptop and an iPhone! HA
“Husband: What’d I do wrong this time?
Wife: If you don’t know, then I won’t tell you.”
Perfectly acted out on the Dick Van Dyke Show
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bisviTwsvuI
Start at 7:10
Big Chuck and Lil John: A Head of Lettuce
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8stmDaftSGQ
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