Sounds like George Carlin ruminations.
> Where’s that extra penny going to?
Entry fee.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere...
atmosphere?
Why do Americans drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
Why do you give a **** and take a pee?
I saw fat free half and half at the store but couldn’t find any fat free heavy cream.
What do they ship styrofoam in?
If ‘Con’ is the opposite of ‘Pro’, then what is the opposite of ‘Progress’?
If l-a-u-g-h-t-e-r is pronounced laffter;
Why isn’t d-a-u-g-h-t-e-r pronounced daffter?
if you eat pasta and antipasta together, are you still hungry afterwards?
Does antimatter really matter?
It’s mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter
The sign said “Stop Ahead”, I stopped but i didn’t see no head
The sign said “Fine for littering” So i littered
The Sign said “No, You turn” So I turned
I saw a sign that said “No Signs Allowed”
Thanks for the chuckles.
LOL! I almost lost my lunch.
2) When you close the refrigerator door, does that little light in there stay on?
If a donkey is an a$$ and a sheep a ram, why is a ram in the a&$ a goose?
“Is there enough of it about?”
- Monty Python
What is the difference between flammable and inflammable?
What is the difference between flammable and inflammable?
I’ve always wondered...Did Tennessee what Arkansas?
This has Steven Wright written all over it..I have a text file of his quotes and a few of these are in there...so here’s a little more of his insanity...
*******************************
What’s the youngest you can die of old age?
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
I bought some dehydrated water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “cut it out!”
Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper they’d be if that didn’t happen.
The judge asked, “what do you plead?” I said, “Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, “Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?” So I said, “Oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.”
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “wish you were here.”
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, “You didn’t borrow this.” I said, “ I will!”
I had my coat hangers spayed.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
Why do they call it a building? Shouldn’t it be called a built? :)
Methinks everyone posting on this thread is happily retired and have nothing better to do.
5.56mm