Posted on 05/09/2019 10:49:40 AM PDT by sodpoodle
If you have bad sex with a hooker, is it discounted?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your a**?
If a donkey is an a$$ and a sheep a ram, why is a ram in the a&$ a goose?
“Congress”
Obviously, whatever the disease was, “uncured ham” still suffers from it.
Sign seen at Railroad crossing many years ago:
Caution!
Fast Trains
Do Not on Tracks
Saw a sign at a 7-11 today:
“More Parking On Back”
“Is there enough of it about?”
- Monty Python
What is the difference between flammable and inflammable?
What is the difference between flammable and inflammable?
Hemmeroids are called democrats.
I’ve always wondered...Did Tennessee what Arkansas?
Why is the “Kansas” in “Arkansas” pronounced differently than “Kansas”?
This has Steven Wright written all over it..I have a text file of his quotes and a few of these are in there...so here’s a little more of his insanity...
*******************************
What’s the youngest you can die of old age?
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
I bought some dehydrated water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “cut it out!”
Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper they’d be if that didn’t happen.
The judge asked, “what do you plead?” I said, “Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, “Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?” So I said, “Oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.”
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “wish you were here.”
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, “You didn’t borrow this.” I said, “ I will!”
I had my coat hangers spayed.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
Why do they call it a building? Shouldn’t it be called a built? :)
They annihilate inside your stomach, and you explode. That's what really happened to Mr. Creosote.
Why do they call it an apartment building if everything is together?
When polar bears have them, they are called polaroids.
See My Tagline...
More importantly where does the other $0.1/10 from the gallon of gas that costs $2.59 9/10 go to ?
Or Whom might be a better question...
Why aren't "doughnuts" pronounced DUFFNUTS?
See My Tagline.
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