Posted on 12/17/2018 10:03:19 AM PST by sodpoodle
*Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.
*If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes,* *I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.
I never did understand it neither.
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch The Sheriff asked,
"Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
Number 1 was used on the Frasier show, of all places.
That is Roz’s response to a rich guy when he asked for a discount on Christmas paper she was selling for her daughter.
It’s a darn funny line though, wherever it is used.
Only she said, “everything but my bracelet.”
Because even after repeating and explaining multiple times, you can't get a yankee to laugh. They have no sense of humor.
Because Yankees ARE a joke.
There were actually 4 wisemen. But the fourth was turned away for bringing a fruitcake.
2 college freshman girls Are moving their dorm at Harvard.
One girl is from Alabama and the other from Connecticut.
The southern girl strikes up conversation and says , “where y’all from?
The Connecticut girl says “I’m from a place where we know better than to end a sentence in a preposition.”
The Alabama girl replies “Well bless your heart, I’m so sorry! Where y’all from, Beyotch?”
I have a cousin in Decatur. His girls have graduated now, but at one time, one kid was attending Auburn. The other at the University of Alabama.
Yikes. I’m from Texas. I understand that is like have one kid at UT. One at Texas A & M.
As the man removed the lugs from the wheel with the flat he placed them in a tray from his trunk, left there by his wife when she returned from a bridal shower. As the man removed the last lug, he stood up and proclaimed, "There, all five are off." But he accidentally stepped on the edge of the disc and the four lug nuts in the tray were flipped into the roadside canal and lost.
As the man cursed under his breath, he wondered out loud, "How am I gonna get to Selma now with just one lug nut?"
The man sitting on the wall suggested, "Why not take one lug from the other three wheels then secure the spare with the one in your hand and the three borrowed from the other wheels?"
The driver was amazed and knew it would let him drive to where he could get extra lug nuts. "So I don't get it," he offered to the man atop the wall, "That idea is brilliant, so why are you in that Asylum?"
As the man on the wall prepared to jump back down and return to the asylum he explained, "Oh I'm crazy fer shur, but I anin't stupid."
Yes,your right. We’re a Lost Cause. Where did I hear that?
A guy walks into a cafe in Georgia, sees another guy sitting at a table and staring at him, and says, “How do?”
The guy at the table doesn’t answer.
The first guy asks the owner, “What is it with that guy at the table? He handicapped or something?”
Owner: “Yeah.”
First guy says, “So sorry to hear that. What’s his problem?”
Owner: “He’s a little slow. He’s from up North but he doesn’t know it yet.”
(Just came back from a road trip from Boulder City, Nevada, to NYC, southern route, and we didn’t hit bad manners until Virginia.”)
It was wonderful to see this country one more time before I’m gone. I’d forgotten a bit how vast and beautiful it is. The people are amazing, either all on their own or because they love God.
No slur meant to Virginia. It stayed that way all the way up.
There’s a youtube video where someone did just that.
“(Just came back from a road trip from Boulder City, Nevada, to NYC, southern route, and we didn’t hit bad manners until Virginia.”
Must have been a blue county.
Could have been, can’t remember. I’ll ask the folks I was with if they recall. It was one of those little towns with charming historic buildings. We stopped at a cafe.
You are more right than you know. Louisiana is at least 40 years behind in everything, I promise you.
"Excuse me, sir," he said to a well-dressed man walking out of an office building, "I'm a bit lost. Can you tell me where Times Square is at?"
The gentleman recognized the Texas accent, frowned, and decided to use this opportunity to teach the Texan a lesson.
"I'll tell you," he said, "but you first have to ask me in proper English. This isn't Texas. Here in New York we know that you cannot end a sentence with a preposition like you just did. Now try it again, and do it correctly this time."
The Texan thought for a moment, then said: "Can you tell me where Times Square is at, @SSHOLE?"
In the sixties up north they used to tell Polack jokes. When I moved to Texas in the 70s, I heard the same jokes but were about Aggies.
LOL!...................I would probably do the same!.................
As a proud southerner I find these funny. Anyone who is “striving for equality” can start by laughing at jokes about the group they identify with. Until you can do that, you aren’t my equal - and I can’t do anything to fix that problem for you.
Why don’t southern women like to have group sex?
Because they don’t want to have to write all of those thank you notes.
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