Posted on 10/09/2018 6:22:46 AM PDT by sodpoodle
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care
So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.
(Excerpt) Read more at rd.com ...
To all the engineers, math and grammar police. Find another thread to show off your skills. This is a joke thread!!!!!
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy......................
So you want two empty bottles????
bttt
I ain't never seen an engine with ears.
I don't do math. Drugs are bad...
These are hilarious! Wish I had the ambition to go and cut/paste them all so we don’t have to click on so many of the to find the ending.
FEMALE SOCIALITE: Mr. President, my husband told me I wouldn't get three words out of you tonight...what do you say to that?
PRESIDENT COOLIDGE: You lose.
*you're
That was a W.C.Fields quote......................
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
There are only 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand Binary, and those who don’t.
This man was the King of one liners.
http://mentalfloss.com/article/60461/20-steven-wrights-funniest-jokes
1. “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.”
2. “I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
3. “I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.”
4. “Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee.”
5. “Woke up this morning and folded my bed back into a couch. Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed.”
6. “I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller.”
7. “I went to a tourist information booth and said ‘Tell me about some people who were here last year.’”
8. “I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.”
9. “Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.”
10. “I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
11. “When I get real real bored I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.”
12. “I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.”
13. “I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest.”
14. “When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need?”
15. “I’ve written several children’s books ... Not on purpose.”
16. “I called the wrong number today. I said ‘Hello, is Joey there?’ A woman answered and she said ‘Yes he is.’ And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.’ I said ‘Alright, I’ll wait.’”
17. “I went to a place to eat. It said ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
18. “We lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If we wanted to cook something, we had to take a sweater off real quick. If we wanted to run a blender we had to rub balloons on our heads.”
19. “I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
20. “I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house I go through the window.”
There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand math, and those that don’t.
*you're
*your
Yore.
Ur
*yore
*Yore
"I had a wall switch in my house that didn't do anything, so I kept switching it on and off all the time.
I got a letter from a woman in Kansas City that said, 'Knock it off.'"
I’m renting an apartment above the bank and now my assets over a million dollars.
But i took all my money and bought an adding machine cause that’s what counts.
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