Posted on 02/21/2018 2:07:36 AM PST by sodpoodle
An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals! He said to himself.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer .... and then ..... He tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him ..... reaching towards him with its left paw ... and raising the right paw to strike ...
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped ... The bear froze ..... The forest was silent ....
A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky ...
"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident .... Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
p>"Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light .... "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ... but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
... a pause ... "Very well," said the voice ... The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed ...
And the bear dropped his right arm .... brought both paws together .... bowed his head & spoke ...
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to eat"
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father O’Malley answers the phone.
‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
GETTING OLD
Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so.
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They’re everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
——————————————— -——————————————
Well into her 90s as her memory began to fade, my mother could still recite:
Here’s to life, ain’t it grand?
I just got a divorce from my old man.
I laughed and laughed at the judges’ decision.
He gave him the kids, and they weren’t even his’n.
: }
funny;)
For 5k I’d do a Catholic (which I am), Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist and yes, Lord forgive me, muslim service for the dog!!!
Although i think muzzies eat dogs so i dont have to worry about that.
I’ll even say the service in Italian, that’s not too far from Latin, I think :)
On olde Irish Blessing
May your roof be always stout
and your glass always full
May the wind be at your back and
the sun on your face as you travel
And many years from now may you be in heaven
30 minutes before the devil learns of your passing
Regards
alfa6 ;>}
It's true:)
"Lord, it's cold and starting to rain, please clear a parking space for me."
A minute later:Lord, please find me a parking spot and I'll start going to Church on Sundays like I used to."
Now he has to go to the bathroom too and he says, "Lord, please find me a parking space and I'll even quit drinking me Irish Whiskey - anything you want of me and I'll do it."
At that moment, a car just ahead of him starts backing out of a slot and he says, "Never mind Lord, I found one."
“15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They’re everywhere.”
How true. Last pay period (which I get the money tomorrow) I got some overtime, oh about $600 worth. Friday, I took my truck in for the annual safety inspection and had to get a rear axle seal and bearing replaced, about $700. Just can’t seem to win.
“Here’s to life, ain’t it grand?
I just got a divorce from my old man.
I laughed and laughed at the judges’ decision.
He gave him the kids, and they weren’t even his’n.”
I actually know a guy this happened to.
During the divorce DNA tests were done.
Four of the five kids WERE NOT HIS.
He got the kids with his ex paying little child support.
We all figured it was justice.
In his younger days he didn’t care whose girlfriend he was messing around with.
That sounds like my daughter. She did her taxes one night last week. The next morning she took her car in for it’s annual inspection.
The necessary repair is almost as much as her refund.
Bummer.
Ha
Thanks for posting
The Lord provided the money for you to fix your truck before you needed it.:)
I do a lot of the works myself, but here was the situation. My other car, 69 VW Beetle convertible, is still waiting parts to finish the new top, so I can’t take it out of the garage. My truck won’t fit in the garage, so I have to work on it outside. No the time of year for it. Plus, I’m just getting over a really bad cold.
So I bit the bullet and paid someone else to fix it.
Oh, yeah.....I can’t get onto the base for work with a rejected sticker.
Ain’t it just the truth. I received a small inheritance a few weeks ago. My wife already has it dedicated to some home repairs she wants done.
Entropy and incomplete engineering also play a role.
Sums it up pretty well...as sparks fly upward...man is meant for trouble...paradise lost....
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