Posted on 06/29/2017 3:33:00 AM PDT by sodpoodle
TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
Have a great Day!
Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny Mansel Rubenstein and so many others.
There was not one single swear word in their comedy.
Here are a few examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea .
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him
another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying,
“Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. “
Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I am 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
* A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They’re worth it.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A man called his mother in Florida ,
“Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.
A-a-h! Memories of the good ole days!
Today’s so-called comics don’t have a clue about real humor. Shock and vulgarity aren’t funny. They’d do well to study the greats of the 50s and 60s.
Oh, and thanks for continuing to post these lighthearted threads. They are such good medicine.
Ping
LOL Have a good day as well thank you
Thanx for this thread.
Love it...thanks!
Thx for the thx;) I consider FR to be my ‘social club’. For a senior, I should have settled in one place and made more friends on the soil - too late now - getting too old & cranky and more wobbly;)
God bless.
Thank God for Jewish mothers... and Japanese mothers, so I just learned.
These were the good ole days. The Ed Sullivan show. My Dad was glued to the TV set at that time, and was telling all us kids to shut up so he would not miss a line from Henny Youngman, and the rest of them.
Take my wife. Please!
Yes, this was the day of true humor. And it was self-deprecating humor.
It is definitely a sign of cultural rot when an ethnic group or other group can’t tell self-deprecating humor.
This is how Americans learn to forgive each other for our sins.
Just ONE subject ... MAD Magazine ... could fill an encyclopedia with cultural and political input, worthy of a college course .... and we got it ! at the ripe ol' age of 14 !
Only in America.
He made a spectacle of himself.
Proving anyone can smile, these are offered. All signs seen from Seattle Propane
_____________________
Cure for an obsession is to get another one.
I’m Still HOT
It just comes in flashes now
The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest
I child proofed my house but kids still get in
Ban Pre-shredded cheese, Make AMERICA grate again
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
Does 7 days without meat make one week.
Hold the door open for a clown. It’s a nice jester.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
My reality check bounced.
If pride comes before a fall, humility should come by winter.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried.
Ants are healthy because they are little anti bodies
Frog parking only. All others will be toad.
Went to the Air and Space Museum but there was nothing there.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Very excellent. Thanks for adding to the laughter;)
I went to the doctor to have him look at some “moles” on my face
Doc: I’m sorry to tell you, you have skin cancer
Me: Doc! That can’t be. I always stay out of the sun. I want a second opinion!!
Doc: Ok. Here’s one. You are ugly too
My doctor is originally from Hong Kong. Dr. Winston Ho. I went to him recently because I was always feeling run-down.
He did a quick exam looking in my eyes, nose, ears etc. But then he asked me to drop my pants and bend over.
Doc : Ahh. I a see what matta. You have zactly.
Me: Zactly? I’ve never heard of that. Is it serious?
Doc: Ahhh yes. You face look zactly like a you butt!
PING! Excellent list of semantic jokes...
lol
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