Speaking of which, I was watching a video recently, and this image came up...I kept looking at thinking "Who is that? I feel as if I should know..."
Posted on 05/25/2017 2:39:24 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Nineteen Newfoundlanders go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Buddy replies, "The film said 18 or over."
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a m. Can you believe that! 2:30 a m Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
The wife was counting all the nickels and dimes out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, has swum with sharks, has wrestled bears and has climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise for me to learn his name was Bindair Dundat
A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
Jokes that are so bad, the’re good!
Speaking of which, I was watching a video recently, and this image came up...I kept looking at thinking "Who is that? I feel as if I should know..."
CITY SLICKER: Hey! That pig only has three legs! What happened to it? Was it born that way?
FARMER: Well, no...I'm glad you asked. That pig is s special-un. He saved the life of me and my family. Our farm was on fire while we were all sleeping, and that there pig got loose, came into the house and raised such a ruckus, and wouldn't stop, that we all woke. We couldn't find our way out, and that there pig led us through the smoke and fire to safety. Yea, he is a special-un. So, we feel an obligation to treat him right special.
CITY SLICKER: That's amazing! What happened to his leg, did he injure it in the fire?
FARMER: Oh, no. A pig that special, you just don't eat all at once.
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...
Yes, that can happen.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious,and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly... there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
Just a couple of years ago, researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say “Cah”, none could say “Truck.”
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, “maybe I’ll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”
The vendor said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing.”
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, “those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about.” Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, “Damn, this one doesn’t have any shoes either!”
Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.
Government mathematics to be sure.
A Rabbi, a Catholic priest and a Protestant minister are in a car going to an ecumenical meeting. The Protest minster is saying, “I just can’t believe the Pope is the Vicar of Christ in Earth.”
Unfortunately, the car blew a tire, hit a tree, and the three clergy died, and went before St Peter to be judged.
St Peter said to the Catholic, “you were a good shepherd so if you can spell bingo you may enter the kingdom of heaven.”
St Peter said to the rabbi, “you were a good Jew, so if you can spell bagel you may enter the kingdom of heaven.”
St Peper turned to the minister and said, “You may not believe in the Vicar of Christ on earth, but if you can spell antdisestablishmentarianism, you may enter the kingdom of heaven.”
SOCIAL WORKER: Wow, are they all yours?
WELFARE MOTHER: Yep, they are all mine, I've heard that question a thousand times before.
SOCIAL WORKER: Well, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.
WELFARE MOTHER: That’s easy. To keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Terry' and the girls are all named 'Terri'.
SOCIAL WORKER: (stares in disbelief) Are you serious? They're all named 'Terry'?
WELFARE MOTHER: Yes - it makes it easier. when its time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' and when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry!' and all of them stop in their tracks. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all 'Terry'.
SOCIAL WORKER: (thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead) But what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?
WELFARE MOTHER: Then I call them by their last names.
Boudreaux been fish’n down by de bayou all day and he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he’d git bit. He snuk up behin’ dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din’t lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun Boudreaux’s
arm try’n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat ha cain’t let go dat snake or he’s gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint of moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake’s mouf.
Well, dat snake’s eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin’.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin’ tappin’ on his barefoot toe. He look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs.
Actually, haven’t a clue where these originated. It was sent via email several years ago with no credit to sources other than what was written at the top of the post.
LOL as to your image, you might feel you should know, but I admit to not having a clue and not ashamed to admit I fall short. :-) Just last night watching a 1960 Password Plus episode, Louise Sorel of “Owen Marshall, Counselor at Law” was on. Not knowing her name but knowing where she might have been seen, bingo! Google supplied the answer with the few clues given.
https://www.google.com/#q=Louise+Sorel%2Bimage
Consider what video you were watching, subject, year made and start pecking away. If this is a video on line, send me a link. I, too, have small recognition of the face but no square with which to begin. Good Luck — Attempting to remember drives us crazy. And it makes our hair turn grey :-/
I’m so sorry-didn’t mean that. It is George Carlin before he became...well...the long-haired George Carlin!
HEY, MY NUGGETS ARE STAYING RIGHT WHERE THE LORD HUNG THEM ON ME!
LOL = s young George before becoming an old George with no hair. My excuse: not yet fully awake and no caffeine before pecking. Some days, it’s best to crawl back under the blankets.
Steven Wright?
You left out the first “i.”
Alright....you can enter.
how did you know my son is a former Marine? ROTFL
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