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Sage advice...

Kind of a pepper-upper to start the day...


1 posted on 01/29/2016 4:54:23 AM PST by Lucky9teen
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2 posted on 01/29/2016 4:55:21 AM PST by Lucky9teen (God's blessing has been on America from the very beginning, and I believe God isn't done yet. TCruz)
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To: Lucky9teen
Top 10 again!

Y'know, I just can't watch Fox News any more.

4 posted on 01/29/2016 5:02:56 AM PST by FroggyTheGremlim (Hunga Tonga-Hunga.)
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To: Lucky9teen
Somewhere in the top 50 or so.


A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."



During a game the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain that to your mother."



nobama looks pissed, Michael and the two adopted kids appear, "Whatever..."
h/t to Dorothy for the above three images.
Q: What do you call two crows sitting on a tree branch?
A: Attempted murder.
Kids answers to a science test:

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.



The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?"

George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed."

"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying on her back?"

George replies, "Then I am 10 minutes late."


At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.

The judge asks the baby bear, "Do you want to live with papa bear?" The baby bear replied, "No he beats me."

The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too."

The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

5 posted on 01/29/2016 5:05:18 AM PST by upchuck (Killary is the poster girl for everything wrong with our government. h/t Mister Da)
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To: Lucky9teen

Thanks for the chuckles!


6 posted on 01/29/2016 5:07:13 AM PST by silverleaf (Age takes a toll: Please have exact change)
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 10...or thereabouts.


8 posted on 01/29/2016 5:12:18 AM PST by ErnBatavia (It ain't a "hashtag"....it's a damn pound sign. ###)
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To: Lucky9teen

Checking in and top 10


9 posted on 01/29/2016 5:12:34 AM PST by Dacula (Southern lives matter!)
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To: Lucky9teen
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$550!” she cried, “$550 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $550

10 posted on 01/29/2016 5:13:09 AM PST by Rummyfan (Let us now try liberty.)
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To: Lucky9teen

I self-identify as being in the top 10.


11 posted on 01/29/2016 5:18:23 AM PST by ClearCase_guy (I don't know what Claire Wolfe is thinking but I know what I am thinking.)
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To: Lucky9teen

Thank Goodness for Funnies. Checking in to ease the boredom.
It may sound cool, but sitting in a dyno room staring at a monitor, looking out at an LS7, waiting for a turbo to melt is boooooooring.
I swear this thing is defying the laws of physics.
What are we all doing this morning?


13 posted on 01/29/2016 5:26:29 AM PST by envisio (I ain't here long... I'm out of napalm and .22 bullets.)
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To: Lucky9teen
Thank Gawd !!!

I thought we'd never make it to Friday.


21 posted on 01/29/2016 6:12:43 AM PST by TexasCajun (#BlackViolenceMatters)
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To: Lucky9teen

TOP 25?!?!


22 posted on 01/29/2016 6:24:43 AM PST by dayglored ("Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.")
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To: Lucky9teen

23 posted on 01/29/2016 6:30:47 AM PST by Malone LaVeigh
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To: Lucky9teen

Where did you find that clip of the two guys sliding back and forth in the school hallway? Crazy.


24 posted on 01/29/2016 6:37:13 AM PST by Bigg Red (Keep calm and Pray on.)
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To: Lucky9teen

"No lingering effects from your brain trauma?"

25 posted on 01/29/2016 7:04:37 AM PST by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: Lucky9teen

Out-STANDING-pokes at liberalism today.


27 posted on 01/29/2016 7:16:35 AM PST by ArGee (Don't look down here. This is just a tagline.)
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To: Lucky9teen
W00T

IT'S FRIDAY!!1!

28 posted on 01/29/2016 7:19:54 AM PST by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: Lucky9teen

29 posted on 01/29/2016 7:37:45 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: Lucky9teen

30 posted on 01/29/2016 7:38:57 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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32 posted on 01/29/2016 8:59:13 AM PST by Baynative (If socialist democrat ideas are so good for people why must they be mandatory?)
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To: Lucky9teen
Old one, but she's back so....


34 posted on 01/29/2016 9:43:18 AM PST by relentlessly
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