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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Monkey Face

Damn.

Check the nearest pawn shops.


8,541 posted on 05/22/2016 6:52:53 AM PDT by null and void ("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
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To: moose07

Rebuilding a lot of places after WWII was quite the chore, they had to find photos of every building to use as a guide.

Rebuilding after WWIII should be a snap, just go to google street view...


8,542 posted on 05/22/2016 6:57:29 AM PDT by null and void ("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
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To: Tax-chick
On the good news side, when they took Swampsniper off life support yesterday, he woke up and started talking.

I'm not sure if he woke up before or after they turned off the respirator.

8,543 posted on 05/22/2016 7:00:24 AM PDT by null and void ("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
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To: null and void

Oh, okay. Still, a win is a win!

And how are you feeling?


8,544 posted on 05/22/2016 7:00:53 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
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To: Tax-chick

Oh yes! I called and talked to him yesterday. A bit befuddled (the darned nurse woke him up to talk to me) but his voice was strong and clear.


8,545 posted on 05/22/2016 7:03:58 AM PDT by null and void ("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
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To: null and void
The scuttlebutt in the Circles Who Know say it was the husband, because “suddenly,” he “found $3,000 in the glovebox.” But it had been in her purse. And she was leaving him.

So the police have him under surveillance, and I hope (my bad) that some of her family members get to him first.

8,546 posted on 05/22/2016 7:08:06 AM PDT by Monkey Face (We must never allow our burdens to obscure our blessings. Jeffrey R Holland)
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To: null and void

It’s been a year since I had any help in here, and I had the bracelets put away, so wherever they ended up, I’m sure they have been dispersed far and wide.


8,547 posted on 05/22/2016 7:09:35 AM PDT by Monkey Face (We must never allow our burdens to obscure our blessings. Jeffrey R Holland)
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To: null and void

That’s amazing.


8,548 posted on 05/22/2016 7:11:30 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
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To: Monkey Face

Yeah. Strangers have been murdered for a lot less than $3000.

When a married person is murdered, the first suspect is always the spouse.

Who else knows you well enough to want to kill you?


8,549 posted on 05/22/2016 7:16:45 AM PDT by null and void ("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
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To: Monkey Face

Damn.


8,550 posted on 05/22/2016 7:17:52 AM PDT by null and void ("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
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To: Tax-chick

Yup, it is.


8,551 posted on 05/22/2016 7:18:25 AM PDT by null and void ("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
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To: null and void

Yah. But it is what it is. I can’t do anything about it. And THAT’s worth a “damn.”


8,552 posted on 05/22/2016 9:05:19 AM PDT by Monkey Face (We must never allow our burdens to obscure our blessings. Jeffrey R Holland)
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To: Gefn

The brave hunters are on the prowl.


8,553 posted on 05/22/2016 9:28:09 AM PDT by Slings and Arrows (My music: http://hopalongginsberg.com/ | Facebook: Hopalong Ginsberg)
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To: Slings and Arrows

Afternoon. We had a little sunshine and a lot of wind.


8,554 posted on 05/22/2016 12:08:37 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
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To: Tax-chick; Slings and Arrows

We’re still getting rain. It looks as though the storm system is doing a pivot on the Mason-Dixon line.


8,555 posted on 05/22/2016 12:59:40 PM PDT by NicknamedBob (If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
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To: NicknamedBob; Tax-chick

We still have wind and sunshine but the temp is up to 80. And I’m not out in it!


8,556 posted on 05/22/2016 1:11:39 PM PDT by Monkey Face (We must never allow our burdens to obscure our blessings. Jeffrey R Holland)
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To: Tax-chick; All

Because little Molly’s family has been so overwhelmed by medical expenses, I donated a few dollars to her memorial fund, which includes everything that takes place after death by those that need prepare the remains.

I thought she was six, but she was only five, and had been battling leukemia since she was two. I met her when I went to Idaho, when her Nana (Greatgrandma) passed, and she had been released from the hospital for that reason.

I’m guessing her trip to Disney World was the best thing that ever happened to her, thanks to Make-A-Wish. She was adamant about her Disney “Frozen” dress, and hated to get out of it.

At any rate, I can’t do nearly as much as I wanted to, but just pray that her parents and other family members can find comfort.


8,557 posted on 05/22/2016 1:55:47 PM PDT by Monkey Face (We must never allow our burdens to obscure our blessings. Jeffrey R Holland)
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To: Monkey Face

Poor little child. At least she had a Frozen dress and some happy experiences. I’m sure the Lord will let her make beautiful ice sculptures now.


8,558 posted on 05/22/2016 2:32:53 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
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To: Tax-chick

She can probably do a lot of things now that she never could before. She was a very courageous little warrior princess, and I can’t help but wish I could have contributed more.

I’m sure the Lord is very happy to have that sweet little moppet. Her folks are devastated. They knew it was coming and that it would be hard, but her mom said she just wasn’t prepared for how hard it actually is.

All I can do is pray for their comfort.

:wiping tears away: I wish I could give them the courage to face the coming days.

I’m going to make another sock monkey doll (when I can afford the kit) and name it Molly, since I gave my last one to her. And it will be my companion in a lot of places, for sure, just to remind me of her sweet, courageous spirit.


8,559 posted on 05/22/2016 3:02:11 PM PDT by Monkey Face (We must never allow our burdens to obscure our blessings. Jeffrey R Holland)
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To: Monkey Face

Tell me the cost of the kit. You can make it an Elsa crown!


8,560 posted on 05/22/2016 3:06:18 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
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