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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity
| 12/10/2015
| ArGee
Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee
Raqqa, Syria
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.
"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."
An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.
Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."
According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.
"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."
So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."
TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: moose07; Tax-chick
8,081
posted on
05/12/2016 9:11:10 PM PDT
by
NicknamedBob
(If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
To: Tax-chick
Joy to our contagion! (sp?)
To: Tax-chick; Harmless Teddy Bear
Is it OK for FRiends to join y’all, too?
To: Silentgypsy
Of course! We’re not going to the beach this year, though.
8,084
posted on
05/13/2016 2:26:51 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
To: Tax-chick; fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; null and void; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...
8,085
posted on
05/13/2016 2:31:28 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
To: Silentgypsy; Monkey Face; Gefn; SandyInSeattle
8,086
posted on
05/13/2016 2:32:44 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face; moose07
13
Friday
8,087
posted on
05/13/2016 3:28:45 AM PDT
by
Covenantor
(Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
To: Covenantor
Might as well get all the dubious omens out of the way first thing ...
8,088
posted on
05/13/2016 3:32:25 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
To: Tax-chick; Covenantor
"Might as well get all the dubious omens out of the way first thing ..." I guess my morning post should go right about ... here, then.
8,089
posted on
05/13/2016 4:59:01 AM PDT
by
NicknamedBob
(If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
To: NicknamedBob; Tax-chick; Monkey Face; Darksheare; moose07; SunkenCiv; null and void
8,090
posted on
05/13/2016 5:08:51 AM PDT
by
Covenantor
(Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
To: moose07
8,091
posted on
05/13/2016 5:40:16 AM PDT
by
Monkey Face
(There's a fine line between genius & crazy. I like to use that line as a jump rope.)
To: Tax-chick
That mom has almost as many kids as you do! Wow.
I was a late riser this morning, and now, I’m going to go take a shower, so if one is missing, you’ll know where it went.
8,092
posted on
05/13/2016 5:41:49 AM PDT
by
Monkey Face
(There's a fine line between genius & crazy. I like to use that line as a jump rope.)
To: Covenantor
I’ll tell you what’s wrong...
...people can’t spell I’ll!
8,093
posted on
05/13/2016 6:27:41 AM PDT
by
null and void
("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
To: null and void; Lucky9teen
LOL!
Didn’t we see that sign at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf?
(The silliness thread is pretty funny this morning!)
8,094
posted on
05/13/2016 6:55:44 AM PDT
by
Monkey Face
(There's a fine line between genius & crazy. I like to use that line as a jump rope.)
To: Covenantor
Now THAT is a great tagline!
8,095
posted on
05/13/2016 7:10:36 AM PDT
by
SunkenCiv
(I'll tell you what's wrong with society -- no one drinks from the skulls of their enemies anymore.)
To: Covenantor
8,096
posted on
05/13/2016 7:15:21 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
To: SunkenCiv; Monkey Face
Good morning! Yesterday my husband asked what I planned to do, and I answered, “Oh, the usual things ... sorcery, armed mayhem, drinking the blood of my foes. How about you?”
I was surprised, actually, that he was paying enough attention to notice I’d said something a little different.
8,097
posted on
05/13/2016 7:17:30 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
To: SunkenCiv
No one eats breakfast from the skulls full of mush...
8,098
posted on
05/13/2016 7:17:56 AM PDT
by
null and void
("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
To: null and void
8,099
posted on
05/13/2016 7:18:17 AM PDT
by
null and void
("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
To: null and void
8,100
posted on
05/13/2016 7:18:31 AM PDT
by
null and void
("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
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