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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Tax-chick

PetCo has frequent sales of aquariums at “$1 per gallon”.
Get a 40 gallon “breeder” tank.
Plenty of room for any snake smaller than a sub-adult Boa but you *must* fabricate a -solid- lid for it, never using the screen lids they will tr to sell you.

*However*, you should be advised that Ball Pythons -really- do better in “tubs”.

Just go to Wal-Mart and get a nice latching plastic storage bin, drill or melt a dozen holes for ventilation and you’re good to go.

It is far superior to tanks for holding heat and humidity, which are essential for healthy Beeps *and* they will be less likely to exhibit their typical “I am never eating again” behavior.

For less than $10, she can get a very nice ‘tub’ and have a much happier Beep.

I recommend *these* as the best for Beeps.

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Sterilite-10-gal-Stacker-Box-Black/43393262

It will serve adequately for the snake’s whole life, as Beeps are lousy climbers, not particularly “active” snakes and don’t need much vertical space and they greatly appreciate the privacy/security it affords.

:)


7,361 posted on 04/25/2016 12:32:22 PM PDT by Salamander (We're pain, we're steel, a plot of knives...)
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To: Tax-chick

Good! Too much noise might send it slytherin out the door.

The bed is made. It wore me out. And the phone rang while I was making it, but before I could get to it, it stopped ringing. I didn’t recognize the number, so I didn’t call back. My phone, my choice. :o]

Another round of pills is due, and I will need to eat something, but I don’t know what. Maybe some yogurt. Since I’m almost out of that, I will have to go to Wally’s in the morning, for sure.

The Tillamook brand of yogurt for .50, and it’s very good, with lots of flavors, but it also has sugar. Which tastes better than aspartame! But I don’t know if I want sugar.


7,362 posted on 04/25/2016 12:40:42 PM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Monkey Face; Tax-chick

Aspartame gives me a headache..

Sugar on the other hand makes it sticky.

(Retreating to the expanse of advanced grass substitute now..)


7,363 posted on 04/25/2016 1:05:56 PM PDT by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: NoCmpromiz

You get sticky headaches? Wow. I hope they aren’t contagious.

;o]


7,364 posted on 04/25/2016 1:54:31 PM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Salamander

Great, thank you for the advice! I will mention this to her and see what she thinks. How big of a bin, 40 gallon?


7,365 posted on 04/25/2016 2:51:42 PM PDT by Tax-chick (The kitten's name is Bonkers.)
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To: Monkey Face

I think I’m coming down with whatever Frank had. I haven’t throw up yet, but I feel crummy. I just took two Naproxen for the aches and fever, and I’ll go back to bed after Cub Scouts.


7,366 posted on 04/25/2016 2:52:49 PM PDT by Tax-chick (The kitten's name is Bonkers.)
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To: Covenantor; moose07
"My mix requires a five point harness and a roll cage to brace for 9G reaction. Turbo setting."

Seems you ought to be able to get a load of clothes washed too out of that energy input.

Waste not, want not.

7,367 posted on 04/25/2016 3:20:53 PM PDT by NicknamedBob (If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
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To: Monkey Face
You get sticky headaches?

Nah..

It's only the other hand.

From the sugar you see.

Mrs. NoC needs tea. This requires a voyage to the tea emporium..

Often nick-named WallyWorld..

7,368 posted on 04/25/2016 3:41:25 PM PDT by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: Tax-chick

Oh gosh no.

The one in the linked I posted is plenty big enough for a Beep.

If they have “too much space” they will be freaked out and refuse to eat.

A snug Beep is a happy Beep.

:)


7,369 posted on 04/25/2016 4:24:24 PM PDT by Salamander (We're pain, we're steel, a plot of knives...)
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To: Salamander

Okay, very helpful!


7,370 posted on 04/25/2016 5:50:34 PM PDT by Tax-chick (The kitten's name is Bonkers.)
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To: Tax-chick

My pleasure!

:)


7,371 posted on 04/25/2016 6:09:58 PM PDT by Salamander (We're pain, we're steel, a plot of knives...)
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To: Salamander; fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; null and void; Tax-chick; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...

7,372 posted on 04/26/2016 3:02:56 AM PDT by Tax-chick (The kitten's name is Bonkers.)
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To: Tax-chick

Kitteh can do that pose because kitteh has no bones.


7,373 posted on 04/26/2016 4:40:03 AM PDT by Gefn (I want to visit night's Plutonian shore.)
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To: Tax-chick

How are you feeling this morning? I really hope you aren’t coming down with what Frank had. That sounded like some awful stuff.

I’ll be heading for Wally’s in a bit, though I really don’t want to go. Our high yesterday was 63, and right now, it’s 55, “they” say. Br-r-r-r!


7,374 posted on 04/26/2016 5:26:18 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Tax-chick

Boneless Joe the kitteh.


7,375 posted on 04/26/2016 5:30:20 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Monkey Face; Gefn

We should all be more like cats. I’m still feeling a little off, but because I’m more sensible than Frank, I don’t expect to throw up.

Most of us are going to Weight Watchers in a few minutes.


7,376 posted on 04/26/2016 5:41:00 AM PDT by Tax-chick (The kitten's name is Bonkers.)
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To: Tax-chick

I’ve been to Walmart. I spent $12. Last of the big time spenders! LOL!

The yogurt was the main thing, then rice pudding, and that was it. The store was crowded with mostly night shift stockers (stalkers?) so I got in and out in 15 minutes. YAY, ME!!!

And as I was going out to get into the truck, I noticed how dusty and rain spotted it was. I’m glad payday is around the corner. :o]


7,377 posted on 04/26/2016 6:21:11 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Monkey Face

*tagline*


7,378 posted on 04/26/2016 6:47:07 AM PDT by Monkey Face (When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.)
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To: Monkey Face

Good for you! We were thinking of going to the strawberry farm, now that we’ve been to Weight Watchers, the used bread store, and CP, but their website says it’s not a good day. Maybe Friday.

I should take Vlad to get his camp physical. They want the forms.


7,379 posted on 04/26/2016 8:23:41 AM PDT by Tax-chick (The kitten's name is Bonkers.)
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To: Monkey Face; Tax-chick

” (When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.) “

LOL!


7,380 posted on 04/26/2016 8:42:03 AM PDT by stephenjohnbanker (My Batting Average( 1,000) since Nov 2014 (GOPe is that easy to read))
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