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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Covenantor

Good morning. I have seen dogs do that.


7,281 posted on 04/24/2016 4:23:08 AM PDT by Tax-chick (Thirteen years on Free Republic made me a feminist.)
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To: Tax-chick

Mr. Beaver was not amused however.


7,282 posted on 04/24/2016 4:25:50 AM PDT by Covenantor (Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
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To: Covenantor

LOL!


7,283 posted on 04/24/2016 4:55:05 AM PDT by Tax-chick (Thirteen years on Free Republic made me a feminist.)
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To: null and void

By “company is moving...” you mean you have to move the personal things in your cubbie and the movers are doing the easy stuff?

Yep. Been there. We got out of the asbestos-laden building into one with not so much.


7,284 posted on 04/24/2016 5:27:48 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: NicknamedBob

Really a very good poem, Bob. I LIKED it!!

:o])


7,285 posted on 04/24/2016 5:28:38 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Tax-chick

Oh dear. Poor Frank.

And as for the kitteh, “what big EARS you have!” That little face is overwhelmed by those radar ears! Squee!


7,286 posted on 04/24/2016 5:30:15 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Covenantor

*Hug*

(Sending warm and fuzzy thoughts. Hope you’re better soon!)


7,287 posted on 04/24/2016 5:31:27 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Monkey Face

He’ll probably grow into the ears.

I’m not sure what’s wrong with Frank. It could be allergies or a lingering virus. He can stay home from church today.


7,288 posted on 04/24/2016 5:33:41 AM PDT by Tax-chick (Thirteen years on Free Republic made me a feminist.)
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To: Tax-chick

I’m not sure how I’m feeling, yet. The heat lamp is on in the bathroom so in about 20 minutes I’ll go take a shower. The chills are still with me...

As I headed for the bathroom to turn the heat lamp on, I saw a banner on the news screen: Two Cars Collide, One Arrested.

I didn’t have a good night, having to get up several times, and then around 2300, I couldn’t go back to sleep. *sigh* So I read for two hours. :o|


7,289 posted on 04/24/2016 5:39:26 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Monkey Face

I’m sure a car would be a quiet cellmate, once it ran out of gas.


7,290 posted on 04/24/2016 5:40:51 AM PDT by Tax-chick (Thirteen years on Free Republic made me a feminist.)
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To: Tax-chick

The weekend local talent on the news station is, at times, hilarious.

Now for a shower....


7,291 posted on 04/24/2016 5:59:16 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Monkey Face

I already had a shower. Warmed up my feet!


7,292 posted on 04/24/2016 6:02:49 AM PDT by Tax-chick (Thirteen years on Free Republic made me a feminist.)
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To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face
"I’m sure a car would be a quiet cellmate, once it ran out of gas."

Just better hope you never get stuck in with an SUV.

7,293 posted on 04/24/2016 6:38:47 AM PDT by NicknamedBob (If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
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To: Tax-chick

Welp. That’s done. I feel better since the shower, but I will wait a while before I decide if I’m going to church. In the meantime, I’m having some cold tea and some rye toast. It just sounded good.

I got the email from Dell authorizing the return of the laptop, so now I will have to find a rent-to-own to get one for a couple of weeks, until this one is returned. I don’t think I’ll go to Aaron’s as I would have to go into Vegas, and I will have to do that on Thursday, to get a new prescription and have a follow-up at the pain clinic. I have until the 5th of May to return it, so that will give me time to think about the temporary replacement.

If I had $300-$400, I would go to the computer store and put a down payment on a custom built one. That way, I could spread the balance ($400-$500) over the next 12 months. It would be so much easier than fighting with this thing.


7,294 posted on 04/24/2016 6:40:44 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Monkey Face

Cold tea and rye toast doesn’t sound good to me.


7,295 posted on 04/24/2016 6:43:40 AM PDT by Tax-chick (The kitten's name is Bonkers.)
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To: NicknamedBob; Tax-chick; LibreOuMort

Or with Mr Bill. Poor thing will never ever pass emissions again unless the engine and transmission were replaced with new ones. Ha-ha. It stinks. I can’t roll down my windows until I head out the driveway, lest I be overcome by fumes.

When I first got it, the BB SUV was getting about 26.5 MPG, but now it’s about 23. (Is there anything I can put in the tank when I gas up to increase the mileage?) Still, I don’t know what I would do without it, as I’m just too old to walk to Wally’s and have to put up with the stress of taking the bus back.


7,296 posted on 04/24/2016 6:47:11 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Tax-chick

Well, it was cold tea and toast or hot coffee and toast, and I don’t want the coffee because of the sugar in the creamer.

I’m going to try and leave sugar alone for the next day or two to see if my kidneys will respond a little.

Dang. Now that I’m clean and warm, I want a nap, just like a baby...

HAHAHAHA!


7,297 posted on 04/24/2016 6:50:16 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Monkey Face

That would work for me. Jake supports naps, as well.

I’m off to do Spanish music related things until lunchtime.


7,298 posted on 04/24/2016 6:57:08 AM PDT by Tax-chick (The kitten's name is Bonkers.)
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To: Tax-chick

As I was sitting here, reading the updates on FB, I realized it’s probably better that I don’t go to church. I don’t want to make things worse.

Tomorrow, after the laundry, I will call the doctor’s office and see if I can get in to see her. I hate taking man-made meds, but I need to do something about this infection. *sigh*

Maybe I will lie down on the couch for a bit... Or not...


7,299 posted on 04/24/2016 7:26:54 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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To: Monkey Face

!


7,300 posted on 04/24/2016 7:27:08 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Have you ever had one of those days when you are holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata?)
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