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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: moose07

mine!


701 posted on 12/21/2015 1:41:28 PM PST by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Drake's Drum is Beating strongly.)
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To: moose07

Dang it!


702 posted on 12/21/2015 1:41:58 PM PST by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Drake's Drum is Beating strongly.)
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To: Monkey Face

Windoze still comes with a defragerator thingie. It runs an analysis and tells you you don’t need anything, then it runs for a long time and you can’t tell the difference.

If you have a typical humungous hard drive you probably don’t need a defragerator.


703 posted on 12/21/2015 1:44:47 PM PST by ArGee (War can be quick or (relatively) painless, but not both.)
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To: moose07

704 posted on 12/21/2015 1:46:22 PM PST by ArGee (War can be quick or (relatively) painless, but not both.)
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To: moose07

Too bad.

How are you tonight?


705 posted on 12/21/2015 1:46:41 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: ArGee

Lawdy, now I’m sitting here laughing about Maxwell Smart, 99, Chief, and the gang.

They don’t make ‘em like that anymore.


706 posted on 12/21/2015 1:47:53 PM PST by ArGee (War can be quick or (relatively) painless, but not both.)
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To: moose07

Sorry, Moose! I didn’t even see it coming! *hug*


707 posted on 12/21/2015 1:57:14 PM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: ArGee; moose07

*Like*


708 posted on 12/21/2015 1:57:58 PM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: Tax-chick

I was reading an email from the grandson who is on a mission, and he was so filled with the love of the Lord, that I was caught up in the moment.

He was sporting a black “Grinch,” tie, with a black shirt that had a red collar and that was pretty funny! Quite the change from the white shirt and subdued tie of the “usual” missionaries!

I really need to send him some money (they live on $400 a month) so he can buy something good from Walmart! (Which he can afford!)

And I need to find something to eat...what, pray tell, should I choose?


709 posted on 12/21/2015 2:06:50 PM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: ArGee

I loved that series! Maxwell Smart was my favorite person for quite a while!


710 posted on 12/21/2015 2:07:59 PM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: Monkey Face

I’m making the chickpea dish with noodles. Vlad and James requested it.


711 posted on 12/21/2015 2:39:17 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Monkey Face; Tax-chick; All

Before my world goes dark I need to tell you I love you and I really love my FR family. So, Merry Christmas everyone!


712 posted on 12/21/2015 2:51:05 PM PST by LibreOuMort (I am still here, by the grace of God.)
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To: Monkey Face; ArGee; moose07; Tax-chick
"I loved that series! Maxwell Smart was my favorite person for quite a while!"

One thing they missed: I don't recall their ever having an episode where Maxwell accidentally called his boss after someone stepped on his foot, (Max had a "shoe phone").

But today we have people "butt-dialing" us!

.

They probably missed it by "that" much.

713 posted on 12/21/2015 2:53:08 PM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: LibreOuMort

Merry Christmas, my sweet sister, and please take care of you and James. You both are always in my prayers! ILY! XXOO


714 posted on 12/21/2015 2:53:53 PM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: NicknamedBob

I’m sure you’re right, Bob, about the “butt-dialing” part! :o])


715 posted on 12/21/2015 2:55:13 PM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: LibreOuMort

There will be a new day, and the morning star will rise in your heart.

Take care! I love you too!


716 posted on 12/21/2015 3:06:08 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick

I wonder if I should buy some chickpeas...? Maybe I can lose some weight.

I just had a small salad, and have enough lettuce for one more, tomorrow, but I need something a little more substantial. I can eat foods to fill me, but they don’t satisfy me. (And after tomorrow, I will need to buy another salad.)

It would be nice if I had something with some meat in it.... But that costs too much.

Maybe I’ll buy some broth to make chicken soup. But then, I need to go buy a can of chicken... And maybe some celery.

I still love to cook, but there are so many things that I need to buy... *sigh*


717 posted on 12/21/2015 3:07:24 PM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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To: Monkey Face

Chickpeas are very nourishing.


718 posted on 12/21/2015 3:08:11 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: ArGee

Don’t know but it sure was the tall and the short of it..

Or maybe it’s a short story..

But one wonders if Chasity would have been so screwed up if Sonny hadn’t died..

..of course, with Cher shopping her daughter out to her alternative sexed friends, I guess it was inevitable..


719 posted on 12/21/2015 3:23:12 PM PST by NoCmpromiz (/.John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: Tax-chick

Next time I am shopping for food, I will get some chickpeas. There was once a fast food place called RAX, and it had a wonderful salad bar with chickpeas, which I had never seen. I was also introduced to poppy seed salad dressing.

I have recipe for the dressing (both regular and sugar free) and I need to make some. If I can only find a container...

But it will be a while before I can buy either the chickpeas or the ingredients for the rest of the salad. And it makes me hungry!

So now that I’ve made myself hungry, I’m going to bed! The ulcers are making me sleeping.


720 posted on 12/21/2015 3:30:10 PM PST by Monkey Face (In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion. ~ Samuel L Jackson)
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