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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity
| 12/10/2015
| ArGee
Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee
Raqqa, Syria
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.
"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."
An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.
Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."
According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.
"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."
So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."
TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Tax-chick; LibreOuMort
My modesty is my shield. Fortunately, I have a lot to be modest about.
6,661
posted on
04/11/2016 6:20:51 PM PDT
by
NicknamedBob
(If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
To: NoCmpromiz
Wonder what happens if you do....? :)
6,662
posted on
04/11/2016 7:59:06 PM PDT
by
moose07
(DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. ...Ermentrude chewed on some more grass and watched....)
To: moose07
what happens if you do....?Dunno..
Maybe it makes you turn into a Sumo wrestler..
6,663
posted on
04/12/2016 12:03:48 AM PDT
by
NoCmpromiz
(John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
To: NoCmpromiz; fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; null and void; Tax-chick; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...
6,664
posted on
04/12/2016 2:36:46 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: Tax-chick; SandyInSeattle; Gefn
6,665
posted on
04/12/2016 2:38:20 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face; moose07; ArGee; NoCmpromiz; Darksheare; null and void; Salamander
Spring
6,666
posted on
04/12/2016 3:55:50 AM PDT
by
Covenantor
(Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
huh....posted that serpent without looking at the number... how odd.
6,667
posted on
04/12/2016 4:19:14 AM PDT
by
Covenantor
(Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
To: ArGee
If I can still do maths, we’re 15 posts away from 6666. Which means I’ll miss it.
You can come onboard. I stepped in it without looking...while waiting for first coffee to brew. :>(
6,668
posted on
04/12/2016 4:22:43 AM PDT
by
Covenantor
(Men are ruled...by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern. " Chesterton)
To: Covenantor
Awwwwwwww.
Do you love every snake? I love every snake!
6,669
posted on
04/12/2016 5:09:08 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: Covenantor
I noticed that right away, but wondered at my own wisdom if I commented on it. But since you did, I didn’t have to! LOL!
6,670
posted on
04/12/2016 5:18:29 AM PDT
by
Monkey Face
(What is a good way to end gender confusion? Look in your underwear. You're welcome. -- FB :o])
To: Tax-chick
Heh! Sarcastic Kitteh breaks the Sarcasm Barrier again!
I woke up and looked at the clock and it said 7:15. What???? Nah. The batteries are going. And of course, I have no AAA’s. I need to go to Walmart, anyway, but I need to let the morphine work a little longer so I don’t walk like a robot.
58 degrees, no wind, but 89%, and the high today will be 73. And sunny! :o])
6,671
posted on
04/12/2016 5:25:21 AM PDT
by
Monkey Face
(What is a good way to end gender confusion? Look in your underwear. You're welcome. -- FB :o])
To: Tax-chick
6,672
posted on
04/12/2016 5:26:16 AM PDT
by
Monkey Face
(What is a good way to end gender confusion? Look in your underwear. You're welcome. -- FB :o])
To: Covenantor; Dead Corpse
I usually alert Dead Corpse to any 666, as he likes to post a skull gif, but I missed, yesterday. So I’m sorry you got it...I mean, sorry if you didn’t want it. You made the best of it, though. ;o]
6,673
posted on
04/12/2016 5:29:21 AM PDT
by
Monkey Face
(What is a good way to end gender confusion? Look in your underwear. You're welcome. -- FB :o])
To: Monkey Face
Sarcasm Kitteh looks like Jake, who was out in the rain again last night.
I’m waiting for the carpet-cleaners. They’ll do the living room, hall, and sunroom.
6,674
posted on
04/12/2016 5:50:06 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: Monkey Face
Bill the Southern
Beau-ideal wrote a thank-you note to his grandmother this morning. "Is this the address book?" he asked, holding up the small, spiral-bound book with "Addresses" on the cover.
"Don't let me leave without this," he said, as he went upstairs for a last prink of his hair before departure. He left without it. I took it out to the mailbox after I realized he had gone.
6,675
posted on
04/12/2016 6:07:07 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: NoCmpromiz; moose07
It says “Cycle Delicat”
Maybe it turns you into a kitteh instead of a gremlin?
A kitty riding a bike? Like lance Armstrong cat?,
6,676
posted on
04/12/2016 6:21:36 AM PDT
by
Gefn
(I want to visit night's Plutonian shore.)
To: Tax-chick
6,677
posted on
04/12/2016 6:22:05 AM PDT
by
Gefn
(I want to visit night's Plutonian shore.)
To: Gefn
This and several previous kittens belong to a breeder in Taiwan.
6,678
posted on
04/12/2016 6:25:41 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
To: Covenantor; Salamander
Saw this, thought of you, don’t know why...
6,679
posted on
04/12/2016 6:50:45 AM PDT
by
null and void
("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
To: null and void
Morning!
My carpet-cleaner will be here in about half an hour.
6,680
posted on
04/12/2016 6:53:41 AM PDT
by
Tax-chick
("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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