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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Monkey Face

Toast?

We’re having the Chickpea Dish with Noodles. It’s a favorite of James and Vlad.


6,541 posted on 04/09/2016 4:13:24 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: HKMk23
Danilo Montero y Kari Jobe - Revelación (Digno y Santo)
6,542 posted on 04/09/2016 4:15:26 PM PDT by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: Tax-chick

Toast sounds good, except for the fact that I need to take my evening pills. The stomach won’t allow anything that doesn’t let me buffer the pill intake. Dangit.

Maybe things will be different six months from now. ? When I have conquered the ulcer problem...


6,543 posted on 04/09/2016 4:25:07 PM PDT by Monkey Face (The human body is about 90% water, so basically, we're cucumbers with anxiety.)
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To: Monkey Face

What about MORE toast? I don’t know what buffers!


6,544 posted on 04/09/2016 4:25:52 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: NoCmpromiz; HKMk23

I am so lacking in Espanol...


6,545 posted on 04/09/2016 4:26:07 PM PDT by Monkey Face (The human body is about 90% water, so basically, we're cucumbers with anxiety.)
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To: NoCmpromiz

Nice!

Youtube posters can’t spell in Spanish any better than they can in English ;-).


6,546 posted on 04/09/2016 4:28:50 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: Tax-chick

The toast would have to have LOTS of cheese! Buffers are mostly things with dairy products, like cheese, whole milk, butter, cottage cheese, yogurt, THICK yogurt and CHEESE!

Which is why I buy so much yogurt and rice pudding, not to mention the use of whole milk and ice cream!


6,547 posted on 04/09/2016 4:31:55 PM PDT by Monkey Face (The human body is about 90% water, so basically, we're cucumbers with anxiety.)
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To: NoCmpromiz

Martin Valverde is my favorite Spanish Christian pop performer.


6,548 posted on 04/09/2016 4:32:05 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: Tax-chick

That is probably true, but I wouldn’t know. I have to take their word for it!


6,549 posted on 04/09/2016 4:39:43 PM PDT by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: Monkey Face

Make sure your rice pudding has real rice instead of cassava root starch... ;-)


6,550 posted on 04/09/2016 4:45:12 PM PDT by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: NoCmpromiz

I buy the rice pudding in the 6-cup packages from “Kozy Shack.” Four ingredients: rice, milk, sugar and eggs. Period.

It’s why I like it!


6,551 posted on 04/09/2016 4:50:49 PM PDT by Monkey Face (The human body is about 90% water, so basically, we're cucumbers with anxiety.)
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To: NoCmpromiz; Tax-chick; All

And I am, for lack of a better term, outta here for the night!!!


6,552 posted on 04/09/2016 4:52:20 PM PDT by Monkey Face (The human body is about 90% water, so basically, we're cucumbers with anxiety.)
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To: Monkey Face

Hope you have a good night.


6,553 posted on 04/09/2016 4:54:04 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: Monkey Face

We got your rain. I think I may have heard some distant thunder.


6,554 posted on 04/09/2016 6:23:34 PM PDT by null and void ("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
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To: null and void; Monkey Face
"We got your rain."

Do not try to seek ransom.

It's a slippery slope.

6,555 posted on 04/09/2016 6:39:50 PM PDT by NicknamedBob (If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
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To: Monkey Face

Now THAT was thunder!


6,556 posted on 04/09/2016 6:43:22 PM PDT by null and void ("when authority began inspiring contempt, it had stopped being authority" ~ H. Beam Piper)
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To: null and void; fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; Tax-chick; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...

6,557 posted on 04/10/2016 4:26:48 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: NoCmpromiz

“Make sure your rice pudding has real rice instead of cassava root starch... ;-)”

Yah, well, I gave the fish eyeball pudding to a neighbor, as I didn’t want it to clutter up my fridge. *shudder* Biting into that stuff instead of the real rice pudding was a real shocker.


6,558 posted on 04/10/2016 4:47:55 AM PDT by Monkey Face (The human body is about 90% water, so basically, we're cucumbers with anxiety.)
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To: Monkey Face

BLEH!


6,559 posted on 04/10/2016 4:48:57 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: null and void; NicknamedBob; Tax-chick; All

The rain came down pretty hard several times in the late afternoon and evening, and my weather beeber says it’s raining now, but I opened the door and didn’t hear it hitting the patio, so I’m thinking it’s just a lull. More rain is forecast for today, but we need it.

A couple of times, we had some pretty wicked thunder, but I never did see any lightning, and the power didn’t go off, so all was well.

I’m waiting for the news to come on so I can see how bad the flooding was in the city. Here, it just all goes downhill, so we may see running water in the streets, but it doesn’t pool up like it does in some areas in the Valley.


6,560 posted on 04/10/2016 4:55:12 AM PDT by Monkey Face (The human body is about 90% water, so basically, we're cucumbers with anxiety.)
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