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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Tax-chick

It’s happening back in Seattle, I have four more weeks to go out in DC, and husband is NOT handling it well. The way he’s acting you’d think I was the one peeing on the carpet.

We’re trying to sell the house, so cat messes are not welcome. But she’s my baby and I have a responsibility to try and work with her.


6,441 posted on 04/07/2016 5:52:50 PM PDT by Not A Snowbird (Being a person is getting too complicated. Time to be a unicorn.)
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To: SandyInSeattle

Oh, poor kitteh. She misses you! Is she elderly? It might be senile dementia.


6,442 posted on 04/07/2016 5:54:14 PM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: Monkey Face

She’s also a little frantic that her mommy has been gone for five weeks now, and she’s picking up on daddy’s stress.

Her sister couldn’t care less, as long as her box is scooped and the food bowl’s full nothing else matters.


6,443 posted on 04/07/2016 5:54:17 PM PDT by Not A Snowbird (Being a person is getting too complicated. Time to be a unicorn.)
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To: Tax-chick
can’t be sure how much Spanish I understand

..And you're not gonna tell 'em either, right?

6,444 posted on 04/07/2016 9:22:46 PM PDT by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: SandyInSeattle; fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; null and void; Tax-chick; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...

6,445 posted on 04/08/2016 3:42:22 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: Tax-chick; Gefn; SandyInSeattle
This seriously gorgeous baby lives in Taiwan:


6,446 posted on 04/08/2016 3:44:30 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: Tax-chick

Off to pick up Bill the Son near the university. His transportation plans fell through.


6,447 posted on 04/08/2016 4:21:43 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: Tax-chick

I’ll be going to get my morphine in a few. It’s 72 degrees, with rain all around us. I don’t want to go anywhere today.

Last night was another one where I was awake more than I was asleep, and that wears me out.

Just before I went to bed yesterday, I scrubbed both the mousepads that I use. I do it about once a year, but it could be done twice a year. They are pretty this morning! I have one of Taz that I got when I was working, in the early 90’s. I love it!


6,448 posted on 04/08/2016 4:35:59 AM PDT by Monkey Face (The human body is about 90% water, so basically, we're cucumbers with anxiety.)
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To: null and void

Just remember you can’t spell terrorist without IRS.

Well, not in order, but it was the best I could come up with.

I’m sure one of the other UTers could come up with something better.


6,449 posted on 04/08/2016 5:37:10 AM PDT by ArGee ("Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet." – General James Mattis)
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To: Tax-chick
"Off to pick up Bill the Son near the university. His transportation plans fell through."

Keep in mind that in such circumstances you are not Plan B.

You are at best Plan C or D.

Eventually, this will work out for both of you.

6,450 posted on 04/08/2016 5:40:18 AM PDT by NicknamedBob (If you can't do something well, you won't do anything good.)
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To: NicknamedBob

Tom was Plan B, but since he was still asleep, it was easier for me to go. I had a pleasant drive with the classical music radio on.


6,451 posted on 04/08/2016 5:42:20 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: NicknamedBob

Bill is going to get his own car by late July, when Tom and Elen get home from their summer camp jobs.


6,452 posted on 04/08/2016 5:50:42 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: NicknamedBob; Monkey Face

The old sofa and the zebra-stripe loveseat have been hauled away. Now I have two weeks to enjoy the empty room before the new sofa and loveseat come.


6,453 posted on 04/08/2016 7:33:54 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: Tax-chick; NicknamedBob; null and void

I think, if I could have had a radio in my truck, the three hours I spent behind the wheel yesterday would have passed much faster. I can get it done for $149, tax included, but I can’t come up with that much money.

And oh, how I miss the music when I have to drive!!!


6,454 posted on 04/08/2016 7:43:05 AM PDT by Monkey Face (The human body is about 90% water, so basically, we're cucumbers with anxiety.)
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To: Monkey Face

The Avalon also has a CD player and a thingie to which the boys can hook up their electronic music devices. However, I was happy with the Public Radio classical music station. They played a Bach flute concerto, “Nights in the Garden of Seville,” and several other pleasant pieces.

On the way home, I chatted with Bill about his social life.


6,455 posted on 04/08/2016 7:44:55 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: Tax-chick

Wow! An empty living room will be fun, until the novelty of sitting on the floor wears off. I like it, myself, but it’s harder and harder for me to get up. *sigh*

Maybe when the weather dries out next week, I can plan on shampooing the rug. And then there is going through the yarn tubs... and swapping out the winter clothes for summer!


6,456 posted on 04/08/2016 7:46:27 AM PDT by Monkey Face (The human body is about 90% water, so basically, we're cucumbers with anxiety.)
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To: Monkey Face

We could shampoo the carpet ...


6,457 posted on 04/08/2016 7:46:54 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: Tax-chick

I love classical music when I drive. When we lived in Fremont CA, I used to listen to the classical station and Frisco, and added an awful lot of music to my library.

The cigarette lighter receptacle will charge the phone and the Bluetooth, if I need it. But I sure wish I had music. :o|


6,458 posted on 04/08/2016 7:49:31 AM PDT by Monkey Face (The human body is about 90% water, so basically, we're cucumbers with anxiety.)
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To: Tax-chick

Well, THERE’s a thought! What better time to do it?


6,459 posted on 04/08/2016 7:50:18 AM PDT by Monkey Face (The human body is about 90% water, so basically, we're cucumbers with anxiety.)
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To: Monkey Face

We definitely will clean the carpet. The difference between the areas where the furniture was and the center of the room is ... blech. The hall should be done, too. I’ll put DP in charge of finding a deal.


6,460 posted on 04/08/2016 8:05:39 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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