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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: null and void; Tax-chick

No evidence of it. T-c would answer honestly, and she was right behind me with her own effort.


561 posted on 12/19/2015 12:26:01 PM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: Tax-chick

I hope Bill enjoys the movie. I watched the first two when they came out, because of the kids, but I haven’t felt the urge to see anything beyond that. So shoot me.

The sun has done a good job shining today, and I’m glad to see it.

***

I just got a survey call that is going to net me $10! WHOA! All about media. I realized how painfully uninformed I am...there are lots of news sources besides the interwebs, but how do I tell people I want the facts, not some person’s opinion of the facts?

What is a “cow orker?”


562 posted on 12/19/2015 1:03:30 PM PST by Monkey Face (There just isn't enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.)
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To: null and void

LOL!

I wonder if I can think of something just as pithy?


563 posted on 12/19/2015 1:04:12 PM PST by Monkey Face (There just isn't enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.)
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To: Tax-chick

I took a survey for COX, and they sent me an $8 gift card for Amazon. Nothing on my Wish List can be had for $8!

Some surveys don’t reward you with anything that you really want or need; they just keep sending you to different sites and then “reward” you with something you don’t need, but they will give up to 30% off.

Life is good!


564 posted on 12/19/2015 1:13:05 PM PST by Monkey Face (There just isn't enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.)
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To: NicknamedBob

That came straight out of Pin 3, that did.
Comparatively speaking that joke was good.
But modulated by Pin5.
:)


565 posted on 12/19/2015 1:23:41 PM PST by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Drake's Drum is Beating strongly.)
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To: Monkey Face

Taking Frank and Kathleen to Mass. I hope I don’t regret it too much ...


566 posted on 12/19/2015 1:25:02 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick

I hope you don’t have trouble with either of them, though I suspect the two of them together are a force to be reckoned with.

Please let us know if you survive! ;o]


567 posted on 12/19/2015 1:38:12 PM PST by Monkey Face (There just isn't enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.)
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To: Covenantor; moose07
Marvelous they were, beyond human comprehension..

In other words, an enigma?


568 posted on 12/19/2015 2:41:45 PM PST by NoCmpromiz (/.John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: NoCmpromiz; Covenantor; moose07

That obviously wasn’t beyond human comprehension to solve during the War Years.

But why should I spoil it? *snort*


569 posted on 12/19/2015 2:47:00 PM PST by Monkey Face (There just isn't enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.)
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To: moose07; null and void
Amazingly it worked,

At least it took 40 years for the inevitable. O'er here the guvm'nt can't even run a whore house pleasure palace for any measureable length of time..

570 posted on 12/19/2015 2:51:05 PM PST by NoCmpromiz (/.John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: NoCmpromiz

Yup. The IRS seized one for back taxes here in Nevada.

They had to run it until they could sell it off as a tax forfeiture property.

They lost money running it.


571 posted on 12/19/2015 3:05:37 PM PST by null and void (I've been to Switzerland. I liked it, the flag's a big plus!)
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To: Monkey Face; Tax-chick; Darksheare; moose07
What is a "cow orker?"

One who orks cows, obviously. Probably from the Orkney Islands.

I don't know what orking is, and I'm not going to look; it sounds painful. But if it has anything to do with cows, just keep in mind that the Orkney Islands export beef.

572 posted on 12/19/2015 3:10:35 PM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: null and void; NicknamedBob; timer
I did.

But I just saw it so any pithy comment I would have made back around four hours ago is past time, er wait..


573 posted on 12/19/2015 3:15:07 PM PST by NoCmpromiz (/.John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: Monkey Face; Covenantor; moose07
wasn't beyond human comprehension to solve during the War Years.

Yes, but even solved enigmas are still enigmatic. To the primary users of the Enigma the existence of Bletchly Park and its output was the true beyond comprehension 'enigma'...

574 posted on 12/19/2015 3:21:24 PM PST by NoCmpromiz (/.John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: NoCmpromiz; All

And I’m off for the night.

See all y’all tomorrow!


575 posted on 12/19/2015 3:42:43 PM PST by Monkey Face (There just isn't enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.)
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To: Monkey Face

DP and most of the others showed up, so I didn’t have to wrassle the two on my own.


576 posted on 12/19/2015 3:43:46 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: NoCmpromiz; null and void; timer; Monkey Face; Covenantor; moose07

Some concepts, including both a “simple” electronic timer, and the enigma of Enigma’s creation and its remarkable dissolution, are both timeless and immortal in our history as a species.

Look upon us, Universe, as we greet you. Long may we wave.


577 posted on 12/19/2015 3:45:20 PM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face
"I didn't have to wrassle the two on my own."

When you do have to wrassle them, you'll probably notice that they wiggle a lot.

578 posted on 12/19/2015 3:48:33 PM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: NicknamedBob

Us old guys have all the luck.

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter, old fella, would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”

I thought for a few seconds and asked, “What kind of ammo ‘ya got?”


579 posted on 12/19/2015 5:15:40 PM PST by null and void (I've been to Switzerland. I liked it, the flag's a big plus!)
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To: null and void
And ... ?

And ... ?

For Gosh sakes! Leave me hangin' like that?

.

So what kind of ammo did she have?

580 posted on 12/19/2015 6:53:26 PM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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