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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Gefn; null and void

I dunno, but Nully does a fair solo of it while driving...


5,581 posted on 03/24/2016 7:14:49 AM PDT by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Gefn

I’d have to go way uptown for Jewish deli. We’ll read the book, though.


5,582 posted on 03/24/2016 7:26:04 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: Monkey Face
Well, it was Sunday, after all!
5,583 posted on 03/24/2016 7:38:12 AM PDT by null and void (This is "They live", and most people would rather fight you than put on the glasses...)
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To: null and void

Perfect day to poison pigeons in the park!

And I enjoyed the impromptu serenade! What a bonus! LOL!


5,584 posted on 03/24/2016 7:54:11 AM PDT by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Gefn

About all the good things you can do in NYC with just a little money (like get a cup of coffee for only $2.95) - My accountant told me how much I owe on April 15th this year.

I’ll be able to buy something at a local eatery by, say, July.

Not sure July of what year.


5,585 posted on 03/24/2016 7:55:34 AM PDT by ArGee ("Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet." – General James Mattis)
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To: ArGee; null and void; Tax-chick; Gefn

I wasn’t doing too badly until I just had a breathing treatment. Evidently, albuterol isn’t the drug I needed at the time! I now have a case of The Shakes, and the bad thing about it is that it makes my insides shake almost as much as my outsides. GAH!

(Oh, wow.. I just heard Cyndi Lauper is releasing a new album. Me. Want.)

The sun is coming in my living room window and I like it! I may be able to open the door again today.

And payday, I need to make sure that I have enough left to get my hair trimmed.


5,586 posted on 03/24/2016 9:00:15 AM PDT by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Monkey Face

Congrats on the sun! Jake’s is about finished for today. He’ll have to change nap-spots if he wants more sun.

I’m taking the Offspring to the park before our nap. I hope the city has opened the bathrooms!


5,587 posted on 03/24/2016 9:10:05 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("The world is full of wonder, but you see it only if you look." ~NicknamedBob)
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To: Tax-chick

The bathrooms in our parks have residents.

Nothing like taking a kid to the bathroom and someone is in there washing from the sink.


5,588 posted on 03/24/2016 9:34:21 AM PDT by ArGee ("Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet." – General James Mattis)
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To: Monkey Face

Hi, ‘Face!

I’m in DC for 60 days on a temporary detail, then we are relocating to Arizona.

I do not like heat unless it’s a hot shower in the morning. This ought to be interesting!

The fur babies will not like it, I’m sure.


5,589 posted on 03/24/2016 10:06:44 AM PDT by Not A Snowbird (Being a person is getting too complicated. Time to be a unicorn.)
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General Post Number Warning.....


5,590 posted on 03/24/2016 10:26:05 AM PDT by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Put the Cheese down and step away.!)
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To: ArGee
:)
Accurate data collection technique, but a little detrimental to the health of the Tree.
Now a nice dendro Core sampling....Just a slight scratch.

Works on Humans too...a Tree told me.
5,591 posted on 03/24/2016 10:33:40 AM PDT by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Put the Cheese down and step away.!)
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To: Tax-chick

I just went out to sit with Charlie while we waited for the mail, and the latter was disappointing. A letter from the state telling me my SNAP benefits have to be filed for separately and instead of them sending me a form, I have to go get one. *sheesh*

Maybe tomorrow morning I will do that.

One of my neighbors gave me another Bible, this morning. He finds them at yard sales and swap meets, and gives them to me. This one is a “Topical Bible.” I’ve never heard of that before, and it looks confusing, but I will check it out.

Maybe I can learn something from it.


5,592 posted on 03/24/2016 11:07:23 AM PDT by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: SandyInSeattle

You’ve been in Puget Sound for a long time, so I’m thinking the change in climate is going to be a real shocker. Just remember that little thing called, “air conditioning!”

What part of AZ are you going to?


5,593 posted on 03/24/2016 11:09:26 AM PDT by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: moose07

I’m sure the adaptation of the dendro core sampling on a human would be rather noisy...


5,594 posted on 03/24/2016 11:10:44 AM PDT by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Monkey Face

Peoria, just northwest of Phoenix.


5,595 posted on 03/24/2016 11:20:02 AM PDT by Not A Snowbird (Being a person is getting too complicated. Time to be a unicorn.)
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To: Gefn
Happy Purim.

Something to go with the coffee..


5,596 posted on 03/24/2016 11:33:28 AM PDT by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: NoCmpromiz
And in case you need a recipe..

Hamantaschen

5,597 posted on 03/24/2016 11:42:44 AM PDT by NoCmpromiz (John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: SandyInSeattle; LibreOuMort

OK. I think I know where that is. It’s been a while since I’ve been to Mesa and town names just slip away with time.

You will only be about 400 miles from me. And Libre ou mort is nearby, too!


5,598 posted on 03/24/2016 11:48:58 AM PDT by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: NoCmpromiz; Gefn

Happy Purim! (Though I’m not quite sure what it is...rescue?)


5,599 posted on 03/24/2016 11:50:02 AM PDT by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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To: Monkey Face

!


5,600 posted on 03/24/2016 11:50:18 AM PDT by Monkey Face (You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.)
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