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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Monkey Face; ArGee
I just got an invitation from National Review to go on a Caribbean cruise in November. Wouldn't that be fun?
2,101 posted on 01/14/2016 1:02:47 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick
Oh, I would LOVE something like that! My ex-roommate worked for the county and every year, when she got her Longevity check and the 30 days paid vacation, she would go on a cruise to the Caribbean.

I baby-sat her kids when she went, but I was so VERY envious!

2,102 posted on 01/14/2016 1:10:56 PM PST by Monkey Face (You know it's gonna be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.)
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To: Monkey Face

I would love to have drinks with Jonah Goldberg and Ramesh Ponnuru. Maybe I’d even get a less-old-ladyish bathing suit.


2,103 posted on 01/14/2016 1:14:43 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick

I would tell them all that I’m tired of them shilling for the establishment.

But then I’d spend time with Kevin Williamson talking about his writing craft.

But I’ve been ignoring those invitations for years.


2,104 posted on 01/14/2016 1:18:21 PM PST by ArGee (Don't look down here. This is just a tagline.)
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To: ArGee; Monkey Face

Yeah, Kevin would be amusing, too.

By the time I can take the time off, Jonah and I will be in our 60s. I’ve been reading his articles since we were both in college!


2,105 posted on 01/14/2016 1:25:23 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick

I would just like to go and enjoy the experience of another ocean voyage. (When I was a tyke, it was the only way to go to and from Alaska, unless you were brave enough to try the NEW AlCan Highway, which was gravel at the time!)

And it would give me an excuse to get a bathing suit that fits...


2,106 posted on 01/14/2016 1:38:39 PM PST by Monkey Face (You know it's gonna be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.)
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To: Monkey Face

When I’m 60, I’ll need a more-old-ladyish bathing suit!


2,107 posted on 01/14/2016 1:45:38 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Monkey Face

I got a card today including a pretty photo of Payson, Utah. What a scenic place!


2,108 posted on 01/14/2016 1:55:17 PM PST by Tax-chick (Would everyone just stop FUSSING all the time, please?)
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To: Tax-chick

It is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been, and I will always be homesick for it.

THIS is what I grew up looking at until I left home at 17.

https://www.google.com/search?q=mt+timpanogos+photos&biw=1333&bih=622&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiPq461qqrKAhXGrB4KHTpDBJwQsAQIGw


2,109 posted on 01/14/2016 2:16:34 PM PST by Monkey Face (You know it's gonna be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.)
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To: Monkey Face

Nice.


2,110 posted on 01/14/2016 2:33:12 PM PST by Tax-chick (Would everyone just stop FUSSING all the time, please?)
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To: Tax-chick

The pics, of course, don’t do it justice. We had a mountain in our front yard, and dawn lasted at least an hour each day. I can’t even explain how awesome it was to live with mountains!!

Which is why I rant and rave about Mt Charleston so much...it’s the best I can find in the area.

So forgive me, please for being such a fan of snow on mountains... ;o]


2,111 posted on 01/14/2016 2:42:59 PM PST by Monkey Face (You know it's gonna be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.)
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To: Monkey Face

I’m always happy to hear about other people’s scenery. Maybe I’d love snowy mountain views if I ever saw them in real life.


2,112 posted on 01/14/2016 3:26:07 PM PST by Tax-chick (Would everyone just stop FUSSING all the time, please?)
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To: Tax-chick
Jeeze...Celine Dion's husband just died.
2,113 posted on 01/14/2016 3:27:38 PM PST by Monkey Face (You know it's gonna be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.)
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To: Tax-chick

Someday, maybe we can drive up to Utah County from here. I’m sure you would fall in love with it all.


2,114 posted on 01/14/2016 3:29:21 PM PST by Monkey Face (You know it's gonna be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.)
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To: Monkey Face

Oh, too bad. I knew he was sick.

I’ve been to Utah, but it was long, long ago, early 70s, and I don’t remember much about the views.


2,115 posted on 01/14/2016 3:30:33 PM PST by Tax-chick (Would everyone just stop FUSSING all the time, please?)
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To: Tax-chick

Celine Dion and Rene Angeli had a romance for the ages. When she auditioned for him, she was 12, and he said, “Sing. Sing to ME!” She did and the rest is history.

Years ago, her entire family was on Oprah, and they sang like nothing I have ever heard in my life! Twelve kids and Mom and Dad, and it was absolutely the most beautiful harmony I have ever heard!


2,116 posted on 01/14/2016 3:43:57 PM PST by Monkey Face (You know it's gonna be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.)
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To: Tax-chick; ArGee

Welp, I think I need to go to bed. I’m not cold, like I was yesterday, but my back hurts.

Tomorrow den!

My preview seems to miss a lot of what I draft in the original “post” window. I don’t know if that’s me or the computer.

For now, it’s just annoying.


2,117 posted on 01/14/2016 3:49:25 PM PST by Monkey Face (You know it's gonna be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.)
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To: Monkey Face

Good night!


2,118 posted on 01/14/2016 5:39:57 PM PST by Tax-chick (Would everyone just stop FUSSING all the time, please?)
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To: Tax-chick; fanfan; ColdOne; Cyber Liberty; null and void; Anoreth; Monkey Face; ...

2,119 posted on 01/15/2016 2:29:31 AM PST by Tax-chick (Would everyone just stop FUSSING all the time, please?)
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To: Monkey Face

Those are the kind of views that all windows sould be fitted with.
:)


2,120 posted on 01/15/2016 2:57:05 AM PST by moose07 (DMCS (Dit Me Cong San ) - Nah. Drake's Drum is Beating strongly.)
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