ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference

Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

[ArGee]

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."

[Monkey Face]

*snort*

[Monkey Face]

W00t!

Good grab!

[moose07]

Um, no.
You may remember him as Drummer Rigby?
Now he is immortalised on an Eddie Truck.

[moose07]

LoL, a quick fix for elderly Bananas!

[Covenantor]

Strike fast, strike hard, disappear...like smoke.

;>)

[NoCmpromiz]

copied the straight quotes as smart quotes.

'Nother service brought to you by the creators of auto-cow-rekt in partnership with their buddybuddies at Goo-Gle...

[Monkey Face]

And I hate Goober. Everyone I know says, “Google it.” NOT ME!!! I will us Bing or Ask.

And I don’t want to even know about Goober Chrome.

[Tax-chick]

That looks really good, especially with bacon.

[Tax-chick]

Not my kid: I have those cabinets, but my stove is gas.

[moose07]

[LibreOuMort]

Global warming?????

[Darksheare]

LOL!
Poor fluffy.

[Darksheare]

Globull worming.
Shai-Hulud digging through the earth.
Dhole, rotting the planet from the inside out..
Cthonians wriggling their abominations through the bones of worlds.

[Tax-chick]

I agree, it’s probably one of those.

[Monkey Face]

55 degrees and sunny.

WHOA! Be still my heart!

I’ve drafted a letter about the little ol’ lady who can’t walk and can hardly drive. Tomorrow, I will take it to the Problem Solvers and have them OK it and once it has been revised (each will have their own input) I will draft another to be signed and delivered.

I feel bad for the ol’ lady, but she set her last apartment on fire. She was found outside in her barefeet a couple of days ago, looking for her car. She needs to be in assisted living.

And did I say all this before??? GAH!

[Covenantor]

;>])

[Darksheare]

Every time I hear of global warming, I think of earth projected onto an apple with a worm poking out.

[Covenantor]

gonna need more onions

[Monkey Face]

Wow.

El Nino, anyone?

[Darksheare]

The Un’nions shall rise!
Tears will be shed!