ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference

Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

[ArGee]

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."

[NoCmpromiz]

The glowbull warmthing is really working overtime tonight. It is -15° here on the farm. Unless I look at the thermometer scaled per the design of Mr. Fahrenheit. Then It is a toasty 5°.

On either scale, it's cold...

[null and void]

It’s a balmy 30 (-1) degrees here...

[Tax-chick]

The cats are never fed sufficiently.

[Tax-chick]

21 here, and 45 at my mom’s in Florida.

[Tax-chick]

Today's kitteh was rescued in Wisconsin.

[Covenantor]

10 deg F. outside the Beltway.... brrrrr.

[Covenantor]

[Tax-chick]

Something should pounce there.

[Covenantor]

The tail is just bait...

[Tax-chick]

If it attracts a hawk, Kitteh is going to be very surprised.

[Monkey Face]

Oh. Thankth, Bob. I had no idea the fourth wath tho sthrong.

[Monkey Face]

Welp, I’m up. Ha-ha. 45 degrees, rain on the way, and I have no idea what I will do today.

The kittehs are pretty this morning. Oddly marked. I like it!

(I wish the sun was ready to come up and shine in my window...)

[NicknamedBob]

I had just as many fives in mine.

You might as well rest your brain today. Tomorrow you can have an epiphany.

[Monkey Face]

Thanks, Bob! You’re very generous!

[ArGee]

12 degrees in Gotham with a “reel feel” of 3. That’s measuring Fs, not Cs.

For Gotham, that’s cold. I’m ready to go fire up a couple of coal fueled plants to get some flippin CO2 in the air!!!

[ArGee]

I didn't know she played guitar.

[ArGee]

What this thread needs is more banana.

[NicknamedBob]

"I didn't know she played guitar."

Maybe she doesn't, but she's got a date.

[Monkey Face]

I feel like dragging out my faux fur coat and snuggling up in it. I have to take it out of the bag periodically just to “pet” it. ;o]

I’m sorry you’re cold.

It must be really bad to be cold so quickly after that warm spell y’all had last week. *hug*

[Monkey Face]

How are you feeling, Nully? I’ve thought about you a lot since your accident, wishing I could be there to help you. If I’d had the money, I think I would have at least tried.

*sigh*

My brain is so attuned to being broke all the time that even when I have money, I forget I have it.