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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Monkey Face

Check your account.


1,541 posted on 01/04/2016 8:47:10 AM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: stephenjohnbanker; Tax-chick

Wetbeam, here, too.

I almost got a Walmartian when I was backing out. I have a back-up alarm on the truck, and it’s pretty loud. I put the truck I reverse, and the alarm sounded, and I started to back up, the alarm sounding the entire time.

As I straightened the truck and put the gear in First, I saw a woman who gave me the nastiest look! I was pretty glad I don’t read lips! Someone needs to tell these Walmartians that a one- or two-ton vehicle can squish them, and they need to get out of the way!

*sheesh* When I checked the windows visually for obstacles, I didn’t see anyone, so I’m thinking she was in that tiny blind spot on the right rear side. She wasn’t in the side mirror, either. So it’s my fault she didn’t get out of the way.


1,542 posted on 01/04/2016 9:14:58 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Monkey Face; Tax-chick

“Someone needs to tell these Walmartians that a one- or two-ton vehicle can squish them,”

At least ONE Walmartian got your message : )


1,543 posted on 01/04/2016 9:25:46 AM PST by stephenjohnbanker (My Batting Average( 1,000) since Nov 2014 (GOPe is that easy to read))
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To: Tax-chick

I hasn’t been outsides recemptly but the webz thingie says we have 28 and sunny but it feels like 19.

Sigh. Three weeks ago we had record highs.

I want my GW back.


1,544 posted on 01/04/2016 9:51:54 AM PST by ArGee (Two things are sure. 1) there is a God. 2) you are not Him.)
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To: stephenjohnbanker

She didn’t look smart enough to get the message! LOL!


1,545 posted on 01/04/2016 9:56:02 AM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Monkey Face

: )


1,546 posted on 01/04/2016 10:43:12 AM PST by stephenjohnbanker (My Batting Average( 1,000) since Nov 2014 (GOPe is that easy to read))
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To: Covenantor; Tax-chick; Monkey Face; Gefn
Now we know why kitteh was startled by banana.


1,547 posted on 01/04/2016 11:15:13 AM PST by ArGee (Don't look down here. This is just a tagline.)
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To: Covenantor; Tax-chick; Monkey Face; moose07; Gefn
I know, for some FReepers it's cowbell. For me it's


1,548 posted on 01/04/2016 11:19:01 AM PST by ArGee (Don't look down here. This is just a tagline.)
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To: ArGee
Come 'n' get it 'fore I slop it to the hogs!!!
1,549 posted on 01/04/2016 11:19:47 AM PST by ArGee (Don't look down here. This is just a tagline.)
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To: stephenjohnbanker

Thailand?


1,550 posted on 01/04/2016 11:39:20 AM PST by fanfan ("If Muslim kids were asked to go to church on Sunday and take Holy Communion there would be war.")
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To: fanfan

Thai food!

YUM!


1,551 posted on 01/04/2016 11:49:42 AM PST by stephenjohnbanker (My Batting Average( 1,000) since Nov 2014 (GOPe is that easy to read))
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To: ArGee

That’s disgusting! LOL!


1,552 posted on 01/04/2016 12:33:48 PM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Tax-chick

Balderdash.

I have to reschedule the MRI, as my ride has a doctor’s appointment of his own that morning. *sigh*

For some reason, I feel totally wiped out today. And nervous. And fidgety. Wassup, I wonder?


1,553 posted on 01/04/2016 1:14:41 PM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Monkey Face

Well, phooey.

Time to go get my Scout uniform on.


1,554 posted on 01/04/2016 1:37:53 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick

The soonest I could get in is February 2. Ohjoy.

Drab and drear today, and I’m ready for bed. Maybe I will sleep better tonight than I did last night.

It seems all I’ve done today is make or answer phone calls, run back and forth to a store of some kind, and shove something tasty into my mouth. And I regret all of the above!


1,555 posted on 01/04/2016 1:42:40 PM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Monkey Face

I phone my bank and paid the mortgage, even though the bill is lost.


1,556 posted on 01/04/2016 2:05:30 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick

I’m going to prop my feet up for a bit, and then I’m going to bed.

See all y’all tomorrow!


1,557 posted on 01/04/2016 2:10:46 PM PST by Monkey Face (Resolutions: Casual promises I made to me that I'm not obligated to fulfill. :o])
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To: Monkey Face
"For some reason, I feel totally wiped out today. And nervous. And fidgety. Wassup, I wonder?"

It's the fourth. It's with you.

... posted on 1/4/2016, 4:14:41 PM by Monkey Face

1,558 posted on 01/04/2016 2:55:25 PM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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To: NicknamedBob

I think the fourth wasn’t with her.

We lived through Scouts. Now I’m going to bed. The cats say they haven’t been fed, but two competent witnesses say they’re lying.


1,559 posted on 01/04/2016 5:51:29 PM PST by Tax-chick (Maximizing my cultural appropriation.)
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To: Tax-chick; stephenjohnbanker
"The cats say they haven't been fed, but two competent witnesses say they're lying."

They were misunderstood. What they actually said was that they haven't been fed sufficiently. This is an obvious truth, as cats never lie in speech, prefurring to lie on surfaces.

1,560 posted on 01/04/2016 7:07:30 PM PST by NicknamedBob ("I have my books and my poetry to protect me" --- and if that doesn't work, I can always write more.)
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