The College Football Czar: Week 6

Week five in review: The lesson through the first five weeks of the season is that, apparently, nobody is really very good. Four of the Top Ten teams lost last Saturday, while numbers one and two, Ohio State and Michigan State, looked terrible in clinging to victories against conference foes they’d normally be expected to steamroll.

Even as parity dominates, there are 20 undefeated teams at this point in the season, partly because most teams had scheduled at least one phony game against a lower-division opponent, and one deliberately uncompetitive game against a small-conference Division I-A team. For example, California is now 5-0, having pointlessly pummeled Grambling in their opener, and without having faced anyone better than that now-infamous Texas team.

The College Football Czar survived the turbulent week at 12-9. For the season, his record stands at 60-38, for a .612 winning percentage.

The 3-2 Golden Eagles don’t have a real quality win yet, but they’re undoubtedly the best team that school has produced since 2011, when they shocked undefeated Houston in the Conference USA title game, and then defeated Nevada in the Hawaii Bowl.

Thundering Herd quarterback Michael Birdsong may be ready to return from the shoulder injury he suffered in a Week 2 loss to Ohio, but there’s no need to hurry him back into the lineup, as long as freshman Chase Litton has a better completion percentage and TD-to-interception ratio. This game is a big step up in competition for Litton, who so far has only faced I-AA Norfolk State, Kent State and Old Dominion.

Want to feel old? USM leading rusher Ito Smith was given that nickname by his mother, who was glued to the O.J. Simpson murder trial at the time, and thought her chubby-faced baby looked just like Judge Lance Ito. She couldn’t have called her child Lance, though. That would have been embarrassing.

Having already lost starting QB Michael Brewer to a broken collarbone, the Gobblers got his replacement, Brenden Motley, battered in a 17-13 loss to Pitt. Motley suffered a shoulder injury late in the fourth quarter, but stayed in the game, only to get slobberknocked by a Panther defense that no longer had any fear of him throwing the ball. Word is that Brewer might actually return this week, which goes to show how few options the Tech offense has left at this point.

The Wolfpack are sure to have packed their sheep’s clothing, which they obtained while fleecing their fans by playing the weakest nonconference schedule in major college football. No wonder they weren’t ready for their ACC opener against Louisville, after meandering past South Alabama, Old Dominion, Troy, and I-AA Eastern Kentucky.

If you’ve never actually seen sheep’s clothing, consider yourself lucky. It turns out they’re partial to corduroy.

The Panthers put a bruising on Virginia Tech last week, but they’ve done that before, and it hasn’t always translated into a successful season. A year ago, they followed up their triumph over VT by fumbling on each of their first five possessions of a gruesome defeat against Georgia Tech.

After crossing swords with UCLA, Notre Dame and Boise State, the Cavaliers might have trouble staying en garde against their middle-echelon ACC foes in the Iron City. Last year in Charlottesville, the Cavs prevailed 24-19, thanks in part to a controversial goal-line call, on which the replay official overlooked the obvious, as usual.

In that game, UVa rushed for 225 yards, but so far this season, they’ve only got 375 yards on the ground, with nobody gaining more than 66 in a single game. As discussed here a week ago, the Panthers play on the “North Shore” of Pittsburgh. That makes it convenient for their fellow Coastal division teams, who can get there by sailing straight up the Ohio Ocean.

Hoosier quarterback Nate Sudfeld might not ready to return from an ankle injury, in which casethe Nittany Lion defense will face diminutive sophomore scrambler Zander Diamont, who looked a lot more comfortable at his position last week against Ohio State than he did a year ago in his first collegiate start, a 13-7 loss to PSU. Diamont was still a little rough around the edges as a passer, completing 6 of 14 for 76 yards against the Buckeyes, but his 79-yard touchdown kept IU in the game with five minutes to play.

If Sudfeld plays, this could be a replay of the last meeting in Bloomington two years ago, when the up-tempo Hoosier offense repeatedly de-cleated off-balance Lion defenders, in a 44-24 runaway. The QB, then a sophomore, threw for 321 yards and two TDs.

The AP headline from last week’s game reads, “Balanced Penn State defeats Army 20-14.” That’s an extremely generous way of saying that with a running game beset with injuries, ballyhooed quarterback Christian Hackenberg did little to lead his Lions past one of the worst teams in Division I-A. All that spared them a mortifying defeat was that they were three totally unforced Cadet fumbles that gave them a short field on each occasion.

That headline demonstrates everything that’s wrong with this PSU program under James Franklin. When Joe Paterno was coach, his name and the word “balanced” never appeared in the same article.

The Cowboys’ 36-34 win over Kansas State was due in part to an error that should never occur in a major college football game, especially since they’re all televised these days. The officials actually misplaced the first-down marker by five yards, which allowed OSU to convert a third-and-23 by completing a pass for 19 yards. The drive resulted in a Cowboy touchdown shortly before halftime, which, obviously, impacted the outcome of the game.

The Pokes won another controversial game a week earlier, when a controversial series of penalty calls became a turning point in their victory over Texas. If you happen to be a lardhead, you’ve probably concluded that there’s a Boone Pickens “Big Oil” conspiracy at the bottom of this.

Mountaineer fans are known for burning couches when their team wins a big home game, but if they lose this one, they’ll need those couches for their own psychological well-being. That’s because, having just lost their Big XII opener at Oklahoma, WVU must head back out to consecutive road games against Baylor and TCU.

You can tell when you’re at a West Virginian psychiatrist, because all the ink blots look like his sister.

The Midshipmen were 4-5 after losing to the Irish last year in Landover, but he 49-39 fracas reinvigorated them, and they went unbeaten for the rest of the season. This year, the expectations in Annapolis are such that they couldn’t build any momentum from another loss.

Just when it looked like the Irish injuries had finally caught up to them, they mounted a furious fourth-quarter rally at Clemson. It fell short by a failed two-point conversion attempt, but the 24-22 loss was not a result that could break their season. However, their undisciplined play and weak run defense, if they continue this week, would make a bad combination against this Naval Academy club.

The Middies should borrow a gimmick from their rivals at West Point, by renaming their team Navy Annapolis. If they did that, then they would benefit from the rule that you can’t compare Annapolis with oranges. Instead, people would have to say something like, “Navy Annapolis and navel oranges are each special in their own way.” Just think how that would build their self-esteem.

The Utes must have thought they’d have to empty their bag of tricks to beat Oregon, but it turned out they didn’t need to, so they should not have. In particular, the fake punt return they ran with a five-touchdown lead was one they could have kept in the bag until a more opportune time, like this.

Sonny Dykes better have his fingers ready, because his Golden Bear defense is going to have trouble holding back its Pac 12 opponents, if last week’s 34-28 scare against Washington State is a fair indicator. Cal may be 5-0, but after this game, they face UCLA, USC and Oregon.

Last time the Utes lost a game, it was because the tricks in their bag didn’t work, but they did stay crunchy, even in milk. It turned out the team manager had run out of Trix, and assumed Cap’n Crunch would suffice.

Evidently, picking up a quarterback who couldn’t nail down the starting job at Virginia is no way to win a national championship. The Bulldogs discovered this last week against Alabama, when Greyson Lambert completed 10 of 24 for 86 yards, with no TDs and one interception. All of Nick Chubb’s 146 yards accomplished was that it kept the ball out of Bama’s hands long enough that the score didn’t become any more embarrassing than 38-10. Chubb should be able to fatten up a little more on a Volunteer defense that surrendered 275 rushing yards in a 24-20 loss to Arkansas.

Senior Vols’ wide receiver Pig Howard, who was suspended for the opener due to a violation of team rules, has now been dismissed from the team, probably for the same offense, whatever it was. Perhaps the team rule was that one must build one’s house out of something sturdy.

Pig’s real first name is Alton, but it turns out that Alton didn’t want to swing on a star, so he decided he’d rather be a pig. What gave him the idea that those were his only two options, the Czar has no idea.

Jim Harbaugh has yet to establish an offense in Ann Arbor, but his maize and blue have been ‘mazing on defense, recording back-to-back shutouts while yielding just over seven points per game. Even in their opening 24-17 loss to Utah, the D held firm, but the decisive Ute touchdown was scored on an interception return.

The Wildcat defense is a mirror image, allowing just a touchdown per game, and coming of a 27-0 rout of Minnesota’s radiant rodents. It turns out that the only thing wrong with Stanford back in Week 1 was that they had to face Pat Fitzgerald’s club in Evanston, where they were stunned, 16-6.

Like Jennifer Juniper, Ann Arbor longs for what she lacks, which is a first-ever divisional title, and a berth in the Big Ten championship game. What else did you think?

Incredibly, that’s the Czar’s second reference of the season to Donovan, who is surely cashing in on the unexpected publicity. Beatniks are out to make it rich, you know.

The leaping lizards had a breakout game last week against Texas, in which they led 50-0 until giving up a token TD with five minutes remaining. It was Turpin time, as freshman WR KaVonte Turpin caused the Longhorn defense to dissolve, clearing the way for his 138 receiving yards and four touchdowns.

K-State was forced to shift wide receiver Kody Cook to quarterback last week against Oklahoma State, but starter Joe Huebner returned from a head injury late in the fourth quarter to score what, at the time, looked like it might be a game-winner. In the meantime, Cook had completed a respectable 10 of 16 for 122 yards and two touchdowns.

When asked to elaborate on the officiating blunder that helped cost his team that game, Wildcat coach Bill Snyder said, “I am trying to think what the official told me about it. I can’t remember right now.” What a clever way for a 76-year-old coach to avoid answering a question. Beats the heck out of “it is what it is,” anyway.

Besides, what does a coach say when it isn’t what it is, or when it is what it’s not?

Hurricane quarterback Brad Kaaya seemed like he was paddling upstream all night long in a 34-23 Thursday night loss at Cincinnati. He did throw for 255 yards, but 61 of those came on a last-minute drive with the Bearcats playing prevent.

Last week against Wake Forest, FSU’s Dalvin Cook opened the scoring with a 94-yard touchdown run, but then left the field with a pulled hamstring. Without him, the rest of the team’s rushers have combined for an average of under 2.5 yards per carry. Had he been prosecuted for assault before the season, it is highly unlikely the Seminoles would now be 4-0.

It’s a little-known fact that the so-called “Tomahawk Chop” has got nothing to do with Indians. The synchronized downward motion of the fans’ arms is actually a celebratory gesture, signifying that the charges have been dropped.

Fighting Duck fans at least saw the right style, if not quality, of quarterbacking when they watched their team down Colorado, 41-24. Sophomore Taylor Alie, who split time with Jeff Lockie, seemed to be more of a downfield threat, even if he wasn’t any more accurate overall. The best throw of the day came from WR Bralon Addison, who connected with Charles Nelson from 39 yards out.

WSU has played UO tough in recent years, when they were at opposite ends of the standings from each other. We’ll see how they do when the webfoots can’t get caught looking past them. Coach Mike Leach still isn’t too worried about adding balance to his offense. In a 34-28 loss to the Cal Bears, the Cougars rushed for only 14 yards, while passing for 389.

The Ducks must have become jealous of Maryland’s dopey state flag-patterned uniforms, because this week, they’re going with a their own state pride motif. One of its many silly features is that each player’s jersey will form a small part of a map of the Oregon Trail. In order for the map to be visible in its entirety, they’ll have to tackle as badly as they did two weeks ago against Utah, so that the players are handily sprawled out side-by-side.

On the helmet is a USFL-ish pattern of silhouettes, featuring Lewis and Clark, and of course, Puddles the Duck. It’s an historical fact that no six-foot waterfowl actually accompanied the famous explorers. Instead, as the Czar remembers his history, Lewis and Clark had brought with them a sack of jawea – which, incidentally, is what Nike CEO Phil Knight must have smoked before executing this slide into self-parody.

The Fighting Illini get a kick from Champaign, where they’re 4-0 this year, but that’s nothing like the boot they were given by the North Carolina Tarheels in their only road game, a 48-14 de-feet.

The unbeaten Hawkeyes bottled up Wisconsin 10-6 last week at Madison, a game in which they benefited greatly from, and partially caused, the poor play of the opposing quarterback. There’s no reason they can’t harass this week’s opposing QB into mediocrity as well. Last season, they held the Illini to a meager total of 102 passing yards in a 30-14 victory.

As a result, quarterback Wes Lunt may have les wunt than he did in that previous meeting – meaning that he wunts less to face the Hawkeye defense this time around. Is the College Football Czar already resorting to that by Week 6? It’s going to be a long season.

The Yellowjackets may be the most disappointing team in all of college football this year, and that takes some doing. Last year’s ACC Coastal division champs had most of their team returning this season, leading the Czar to expect this game to be a preview of the conference title game. Yet Paul Johnson’s team has totally lost focus during their losing streak, which has reached three games and counting. One more loss will all but mathematically eliminate them from contention.

The Tigers remain on track to hold up their end, though. At 4-0, they’ve won their conference opener over Louisville on the road, and their 41-10 rout of Appalachian State is looking better in hindsight.

After his team held off Notre Dame 24-22, Tiger coach Dabo Sweeney said to ABC’s Heather Cox, with ultra-cool illiteracy, “We gonna do the whip and nae-nae tonight, I can promise you that.” Just a guess, but Heather probably didn’t really want to know. Oh, well. Now that everyone seems to agree that nothing much objectionable really happened at Penn State after all, college football coaches are free to do all the whips and nae-naes they want.

Due to infrastructure damage from severe flooding in the Palmetto State, this game has been moved to Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge. Carolina is still the official home team, so the crowd will be appropriately hostile, after dismal performances by the Gamecocks in their first three conference games.

What does it say about the strength of the SEC that the 4-0 Tigers defeated two of their West division rivals, just before getting unexpectedly tough battles from Syracuse and Eastern Michigan? Either that means Louisiana State isn’t as good as advertised, or else they’re just making like a striped, predatory opossum with powerful fangs and claws. The Czar favors this second possibility, even though it would pretty much defeat the whole purpose of playing opossum, actually.

Since “opossum” begins with a silent vowel, you would refer to one as “a opossum” while speaking, but when writing it, shouldn’t it appear as “an opossum”? But then, if you did, people would read it as “an possum.” Whoever invented the word must have been under the influence of a opium at the time.

It seems like there’s not much point to even playing this edition of the Red River Rivalry, but the same was true two years ago, when the men of steer pulled off a 36-20 stunner that cost the Sooners a share of the Big XII title.

Longhorn cornerback Kris Boyd has apologized for passing along a tweet from a Texas A&M fan at halftime of the pointy cows’ blowout loss to TCU, saying, “Whenever y’all are ready to transfer … We’re ready.” Considering how many players Charlie Strong booted from the team last season, Boyd’s outward disloyalty does not bode well for his future. Why Boyd would think A&M coach Kevin Sumlin would have any desire to import whatever’s infected this Texas team is a mystery, apart from the obvious explanation that Boyd is a lardhead.

If players have time to tweet at halftime, then the college halftime is too long. The NFL doesn’t get much right these days, but if the players are ready to retake the field after 12 minutes, then that should suit the college game as well. Sorry, band geeks!

Sad news from Austin is that the current mascot, Bevo XIV, has a “life-threatening condition” that prevents him from participating. At least he has an excuse.

The two schools that made the worst coaching hires of the offseason battle to see which of them gets a reservation on the hot seat for next season. Leo Durocher might have been wrong about nice guys finishing last, but how many times must Mike Riley finish between seventh and ninth in a 12-team conference before people stop giving him the benefit of the doubt? Meanwhile, Paul the Plodder has fared poorly in his first two serious tests at UW, after having failed to take advantage of a wealth of offensive talent at Pitt.

The Badger offense bungled away last week’s Big Ten opener against Iowa, 10-6, as QB Joel Stave turned the ball over three times to nullify much of his 234-yard output. The defense played as well as it has all season, however, as it held the Hawkeyes to 221 total yards.

Each of the Cornhuskers’ three losses has been as devastating as the last. In their opener, they lost to BYU on a Hail Smith, 33-28. In Week 3, they wasted an inspiring comeback by imploding in overtime against Miami. Last Saturday, they led Illinois 13-0, only to let up for two fourth-quarter touchdowns in a draining 14-13 defeat. With 55 seconds to play, Riley went for a fouth-and-7 from the Illini 27, when Drew Brown’s chances of hitting a 44-yard field goal seemed more promising. Why coaches are so much more terrified of a blocked kick than they are of anything else that might go wrong, the Czar will never understand.

In case you were wondering, the answer is no. Leo Durocher is not the name of the car in Back to the Future IV.

The Orange already equaled last year’s win total three games into the season, before finally falling to LSU by a respectable score of 34-24. Even that result might have gone their way had QB Eric Dungey not been injured a week earlier against Central Michigan, and he’s expected to return to the lineup this week.

USF has been more competitive this year, but they still lost consecutive games to Florida State, Maryland and Memphis. An opener against the Division I-AA Florida A&M Rattlers is the only thing preventing their offense from flatlining at last year’s 17 ppg average. If they are to make a run this season, this would be the time to start, leading into matchups with Uconn and SMU.

What’s SU mascot Otto going to think when he gets to Tampa, and sees all those other oranges basking in the sun, when he’s got to look forward to returning to a minor-league city and moping around in a depressing little dome? The only reason he went there in the first place was because a recruiter got him drunk and introduced him to some a-peelin’ coeds.

In the extremely competitive MAC West, the Chippewas knocked off Northern Illinois last week, 29-19. One might expect that a win over WMU in Waldo Stadium would make them the runaway favorites, but then there’s still Toledo to deal with in early November.

Bronco coach P.J. Fleck has persisted with his irritating “Row the Boat” motivational device to the point where his team’s uniforms now have a giant pair of crossed oars across the shoulder blades. Fleck himself has taken to wearing a comically oversized varsity sweater with the word “ROWER” down the front in capital letters, with the “WE” in bold face. See? The “WE” demonstrates that there’s no “I” in “team.” Nor is there any horse in a rowboat, just in case anyone cares.

If there’s anything the Czar finds more annoying than self-help gurus, it’s feigned selflessness. Is there any doubt that the purpose of this overwrought theme is to cast undue attention upon Fleck the Boy Genius? If any such critters existed as the “football gods” that are sometimes referenced, perhaps they could pick up one of the coach’s prop paddles and spank the daylights out of him in front of a full stadium. Call it “Truth Oar Consequences.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought the Dawgs would get pass the quarterback thing, we knew he sucked! So why on earth would a coach use the same game plan for a lower division team against Alabama? We got running backs Chubb and about 6 others plus tight ends for short yardage. WHY did they throw the ball? I have never been so unhappy about a football game in my life as I was last weekend.

3 posted on 10/08/2015 7:06:09 PM PDT by DAVEY CROCKETT (1 John 2:22...the man who denies that Jesus is the Christ. Such a man is the antichrist...)

‘phony game against a lower-division opponent’

And yet the phony games are still more entertaining
than the NFL preseason, which is truly meaningless.

So why on earth would a coach use the same game plan for a lower division team against Alabama?

Uh, because Mark Richt's ego is bigger than he is?

Seriously, I'm assuming someone tried to convince Richt to change the game plan, but as he has done before, he dismissed the advice as coming from someone not at his level of greatness.

Wouldn't be the first time.

And history shows he has always seriously underestimated Alabama.

That game is always one of the best "non-rival" rivalries in college football.

Charlie strong so far is being paid $5million per victory. And that was against perennial chump Rice.

He will get same per game winnings this week.

Baylor is over a half way to a hundred points against Kansas in the 2nd quarter, will they try to get it? They could score a hundred just playing their third stringers.

High-octane Western Kentucky beats Middle Tennessee 58-28 in the "100 miles of hate" rivalry game. http://sports.yahoo.com/news/high-octane-western-kentucky-beats-middle-tennessee-58-194930359--ncaaf.html

They were indeed fools to drive JH away. I guess their “philosophical differences” were that he wanted to win and they wanted to lose. ;d

The Wildcats are getting sexually assaulted.

Three straight shutouts now for Michigan.

Urban Meyer is hitting the Prilosec again.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.