'bout the South

private email | 7/27/2011 | email

[boatbums]

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

[boatbums]

Thought we could use a chuckle.

[West Texas Chuck]

‘K, I’m stealing a bunch of those.

[The Cajun]

Thems are good’ens sure nuff :^)

[Colorado Cowgirl]

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
Backards and forards means I know everything about you.
Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin’ or off to Wally World.
We don’t need no dang Driver’s Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
Thanks for the chuckle.

[fella]

As my wife’s “Nanny” used to say “Why Shhhhh hit fire and save the matches”.

[Vinnie]

40 Things a Southerner will never say...

40. Oh I just couldn’t. Hell, she’s only sixteen.
39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
30. Wrasslin’s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit & grapes instead of biscuits & gravy.
25. Honey, we don’ t need another dog.
24. Who’s Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
5. I don’t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those soup beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.

[BTCM]

Thank ya’ll for a good laugh.

[floozy22]

lol!

[Quiller]

- The most common last words heard in the South: "Y'all watch this," or "Don't worry, I seen this done before."

- Anther thing you won't hear in the South: "We need to get that old car to the junk yard 'cause I'm tired of mowing around it."

[Jemian]

LOL!

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated ...
FYI, no southerner would say this. "Y'all" is plural pronoun. A southerner would, when speaking to one person, say "you."

[catfish1957]

How many yankees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Nevemind, they all are in the dark anyway.

[USS Alaska]

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated ... FYI, no southerner would say this. "Y'all" is plural pronoun. A southerner would, when speaking to one person, say "you."

A Pittsburgh southsider would say, "youns" which is the plu-perfect contraction of "you ones" maybe used singular or plural, past, present or future tense, such as, "What did youns do with the gum bands?" or "When are youns gonna rid up this room?"

[Hatteras]

I still get a chuckle at Jeff Foxworthy when he recounts the time he was visiting the in-laws in Louisiana and he walked into the kitchen and his father-in-law was standing in front of a pot on the stove with the lid in one hand and a wooden spoon in the other jabbing at something in the pot saying, "Git back in there, GIT!"

Hits a little too close to home... too funny.

[MissEdie]

You forgot about SC!!

Back-to-back for the Garnet & Black!!

[mikeus_maximus]

This has nothing to do with the South:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

This has to do with some idiot from another part of the company who falls for Hollywood stereotypes of the South, thinks they can fake an authentic southern accent, and is oblivious to the fact that "y'all" is a contraction of "you all"-- plural, never singular.

[HANG THE EXPENSE]

I love those and how true it is that you never hear of anyone retiring to the north.

[Hotmetal]

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in north Mississippi. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Mississippi. We settle small disagreements like this with the MS Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the MS three-Kick Rule?” The Farmer replied. “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn.”
The old Mississippi farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

[CodeToad]

A man runs into the hunting camp all excited. He asks if Bill & Ted made it back.

“Yep.”
“How about Fred and his sons?”
“Ah, sure did. Few hours ago.”
“What about Melba and her husband, John?”
“Sure thing. They’re right over there.”
“Hot Damn!”, exclaimed the hunter, “I think I shot me a deer!”

[tx_eggman]

Two University of Georgia students were walking next to the football field when they spied the Georgia Bulldog mascot, Uga licking his privates.

The first one turned to the other and said "don't you wish you could do that?"

The other one replied "oh, I wouldn't dare ... that dog would bite me."

[tx_eggman]

This has to do with some idiot from another part of the company who falls for Hollywood stereotypes of the South, thinks they can fake an authentic southern accent, and is oblivious to the fact that "y'all" is a contraction of "you all"-- plural, never singular.

Give 'em a call Mikeus