Jaye P Morgan should Gong you for that.
ping
I want my 20 seconds back.
What a tasteful and clever joke!
Thanks so very, very much for posting it.
No. really. Thank you.
Really.
Seems Henry wasn’t feeling up to snuff once after a long days shoot, so the next morning went to see his doctor. They ran a bunch of tests, and called him to come back in some days later.
The doctor said “Henry, I’ve got some bad news. It seems your heart is shrinking, but don’t worry. We see this frequently in older men, and there is a treatment”.
“Which is?”
The doctor took out his pen and wrote a note on the back of a prescription slip, and handed it to him. “You don’t even need a prescription. Just stop at a liquor store on the way home, and pick up a large bottle of Absinthe. I want you to drink 1 shot twice a day - and let me see you back here in two weeks.”
“Well, okay Doc,” Henry said. “But I don’t understand how that’s going to help!”
And the doctor said, “Surely you’ve heard, Absinthe makes the heart grow, Fonda!”
“I’m sorry kid, it’s just not good enough for The Best of the National Lampoon.”
Jaye P Morgan should Gong you for that.
I sent 10 puns into a joke contest to see if I could win.
Alas, no pun in ten did.
LOL - Outstanding.
A Japanese immigrant goes in to see an eye doctor.
The doctors examines his eyes and declares “You have Cataracts!”
The patient responds “No doc, I drive a Rincon”.
Doctor says "You only have six months to live".
Guy says "I can't pay the bill."
Doctor gives him another six months!
(insert rimshot)
A Mexican couple are blessed with a beautiful pair of identical twins which they name Ammal and Juan.
A neighbor comes over to see the boys and comments on how much Juan looks like his father.
He asks about Ammal and the father says that his wife took the baby shopping with her.
The neighbor says he is disappointed as he wanted to see them both.
The father says, “They are twins, if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Ammal.”
I think I smell puce!
Remember this stupid one’s punch line: “Who made the obscene clone fall?”
Not only makes no sense, it ain’t funny.
Wonderful, and it lightened the air, so to speak, around here, anyway. Thanks.
That is what Issac Asimov used to call a “Horrid Pun”.
He wrote several as I recall.
Larry was happy in heaven but he missed his friend, so one day St. Peter told him that he could arrange to have him visit Sam Clam in you-know-where. There was just one condition: he couldn’t leave anything behind. Larry the Lobster thought that was a deal he could make, so the next day he went down the elevator to visit Sam Clam.
It turned out that they had a wonderful time together. Sam had opened a disco and business was booming. They spent the whole day dancing and singing and at the end of the day Sam walked Larry back to the elevator and Larry went back up to heaven.
St. Peter met him at the gate. “Aren’t you missing something, Larry?”
“Well, let’s see,” thought Larry, “I’ve got my halo. I’ve got my wings. I’ve got my…oh, no! I left my harp in Sam Clam’s Disco!”
Alexander the Great and his staff meetings
The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6.00 p.m. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6.00 p.m. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!
So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6.00 p.m. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6.00 p.m.," he said, "Cost is no object."
A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed colour at 6.00 p.m. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6.00 p.m. by the colour change, and could consistently get to the 6.00 p.m. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.
It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the colour change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.
Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the navel and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.
A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6.00 p.m., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.
Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a time-band, and in honour of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... Alexander's Rag Time-band!"
My wife used to tell this joke and always blew the punch line.
She would always say “Abscess makes the Fart go Civic !!!”