Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

Honda!
email

Posted on 07/24/2011 12:01:03 PM PDT by EveningStar

This guy goes to the doctor and says to him, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but every time I fart it sounds like the word 'Honda'."

"That's interesting. Never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

The guy says, "Sure." He farts and sure enough the doctor hears, "Honda."

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guy's farts say, "Honda." It is a completely out-of-this-world medical condition.

Finally, as a last resort the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist.

After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opens up the guy's mouth and examines it.

The dentist says "A-ha! I have solved the problem."

The patient says "What is it? What is it? Please tell me doc."

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."

The guy says "Yeah. So what has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies, "Can't you see? Abscess makes the fart go 'Honda'."


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor; Weird Stuff
KEYWORDS: fart; honda
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-42 next last
To: Daffynition; EveningStar
A deer, a skunk, and a giraffe go into a cocktail bar. After they put down several drinks without paying for them, the bartender asks the three of them which one will be paying for all the cocktails.

"Don't look at me," says the deer. "I haven't a buck."

"And don't look at me," says the skunk. "I haven't a cent."

So the giraffe, seated between the two, puts his arms around them both and says:

"Don't worry, boys. The highballs are on me."

21 posted on 07/24/2011 12:40:00 PM PDT by Flycatcher (God speaks to us, through the supernal lightness of birds, in a special type of poetry.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: Larry Lucido

Hey! What’s green and goes backward?


22 posted on 07/24/2011 12:40:22 PM PDT by pabianice
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

To: EveningStar

A Mexican couple are blessed with a beautiful pair of identical twins which they name Ammal and Juan.
A neighbor comes over to see the boys and comments on how much Juan looks like his father.
He asks about Ammal and the father says that his wife took the baby shopping with her.
The neighbor says he is disappointed as he wanted to see them both.
The father says, “They are twins, if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Ammal.”


23 posted on 07/24/2011 12:49:38 PM PDT by Nonsense Unlimited
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: pabianice

Hey! What’s green and goes backward?
Our economy !!!


24 posted on 07/24/2011 1:13:08 PM PDT by freeonefrom (God bless America and our troops.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 22 | View Replies]

To: EveningStar

I think I smell puce!


25 posted on 07/24/2011 1:19:24 PM PDT by SES1066 (1776 to 2011, 235 years and counting in the GRAND EXPERIMENT!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Daffynition
“I’m a furry with a syringe on top.”

LOL

26 posted on 07/24/2011 1:23:25 PM PDT by GOPJ (Honk if I'm paying for your car, your mortgage, and your big, fat Greek bailout - mewzilla)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: Flycatcher

What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts? Beer Nuts are $1.29. Deer nuts are under a buck.


27 posted on 07/24/2011 1:24:44 PM PDT by USMCPOP (Father of LCpl. Karl Linn, KIA 1/26/2005 Al Haqlaniyah, Iraq)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: EveningStar

Remember this stupid one’s punch line: “Who made the obscene clone fall?”


28 posted on 07/24/2011 1:27:18 PM PDT by central_va ( I won't be reconstructed and I do not give a damn.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: EveningStar

Not only makes no sense, it ain’t funny.


29 posted on 07/24/2011 1:34:18 PM PDT by dalereed
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: freeonefrom
Hey! What's green and goes backward?

*sound of someone snorting-back a snot*

30 posted on 07/24/2011 1:42:30 PM PDT by pabianice
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 24 | View Replies]

To: Flycatcher

One of my favorite jokes of all time! The way I tell it has the deer saying, “I had a buck recently and I’m expecting a little doe.”


31 posted on 07/24/2011 1:44:36 PM PDT by Overwatcher
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: Hoplite
I wish I never got hooked on phonics.

Now THAT is funny.

32 posted on 07/24/2011 1:54:53 PM PDT by La Enchiladita (I said it, I meant it and I represent it.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 12 | View Replies]

To: Overwatcher
Yeah, it's a classic no matter how you tell it.

Hard to beat a joke that has talking animals, in my humble opinion.

33 posted on 07/24/2011 2:31:48 PM PDT by Flycatcher (God speaks to us, through the supernal lightness of birds, in a special type of poetry.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 31 | View Replies]

To: Daffynition

That one HURTZ!


34 posted on 07/24/2011 2:53:04 PM PDT by Don W (You can forget what you do for a living when your knees are in the breeze.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: EveningStar
They say puns are the lowest form of humor, though fart jokes were probably missing from the list in whatever studies they used to make their rankings. You've managed to put them altogether, without any political correctness or incorrectness to distract from the laugh line.

Wonderful, and it lightened the air, so to speak, around here, anyway. Thanks.

35 posted on 07/24/2011 4:42:58 PM PDT by Prospero (non est ad astra mollis e terris via)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: EveningStar

That is what Issac Asimov used to call a “Horrid Pun”.

He wrote several as I recall.


36 posted on 07/24/2011 5:05:47 PM PDT by GreenLanternCorps ("Barack Obama" is Swahili for "Jimmy Carter".)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Flycatcher

LOL me too!


37 posted on 07/24/2011 5:35:40 PM PDT by Moleman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: EveningStar
Larry the Lobster and Sam Clam were friends and they did everything together. They even died together. The only problem was that Larry was good and Sam was bad.

Larry was happy in heaven but he missed his friend, so one day St. Peter told him that he could arrange to have him visit Sam Clam in you-know-where. There was just one condition: he couldn’t leave anything behind. Larry the Lobster thought that was a deal he could make, so the next day he went down the elevator to visit Sam Clam.

It turned out that they had a wonderful time together. Sam had opened a disco and business was booming. They spent the whole day dancing and singing and at the end of the day Sam walked Larry back to the elevator and Larry went back up to heaven.

St. Peter met him at the gate. “Aren’t you missing something, Larry?”

“Well, let’s see,” thought Larry, “I’ve got my halo. I’ve got my wings. I’ve got my…oh, no! I left my harp in Sam Clam’s Disco!”

38 posted on 07/24/2011 5:44:56 PM PDT by Doomonyou (Let them eat Lead.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: All
I posted this several years ago:

Alexander the Great and his staff meetings

The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6.00 p.m. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6.00 p.m. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!

So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6.00 p.m. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6.00 p.m.," he said, "Cost is no object."

A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed colour at 6.00 p.m. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6.00 p.m. by the colour change, and could consistently get to the 6.00 p.m. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.

It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the colour change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.

Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the navel and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.

A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6.00 p.m., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.

Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a time-band, and in honour of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... Alexander's Rag Time-band!"

39 posted on 07/24/2011 6:20:26 PM PDT by EveningStar
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: All

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!’


40 posted on 07/25/2011 11:19:44 AM PDT by EveningStar
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 39 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-42 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson