Posted on 07/24/2011 12:01:03 PM PDT by EveningStar
This guy goes to the doctor and says to him, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but every time I fart it sounds like the word 'Honda'."
"That's interesting. Never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.
The guy says, "Sure." He farts and sure enough the doctor hears, "Honda."
After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guy's farts say, "Honda." It is a completely out-of-this-world medical condition.
Finally, as a last resort the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist.
After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opens up the guy's mouth and examines it.
The dentist says "A-ha! I have solved the problem."
The patient says "What is it? What is it? Please tell me doc."
The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."
The guy says "Yeah. So what has that got to do with my farts?"
The dentist replies, "Can't you see? Abscess makes the fart go 'Honda'."
"Don't look at me," says the deer. "I haven't a buck."
"And don't look at me," says the skunk. "I haven't a cent."
So the giraffe, seated between the two, puts his arms around them both and says:
"Don't worry, boys. The highballs are on me."
Hey! What’s green and goes backward?
A Mexican couple are blessed with a beautiful pair of identical twins which they name Ammal and Juan.
A neighbor comes over to see the boys and comments on how much Juan looks like his father.
He asks about Ammal and the father says that his wife took the baby shopping with her.
The neighbor says he is disappointed as he wanted to see them both.
The father says, “They are twins, if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Ammal.”
Hey! What’s green and goes backward?
Our economy !!!
I think I smell puce!
LOL
What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts? Beer Nuts are $1.29. Deer nuts are under a buck.
Remember this stupid one’s punch line: “Who made the obscene clone fall?”
Not only makes no sense, it ain’t funny.
*sound of someone snorting-back a snot*
One of my favorite jokes of all time! The way I tell it has the deer saying, “I had a buck recently and I’m expecting a little doe.”
Now THAT is funny.
Hard to beat a joke that has talking animals, in my humble opinion.
That one HURTZ!
Wonderful, and it lightened the air, so to speak, around here, anyway. Thanks.
That is what Issac Asimov used to call a “Horrid Pun”.
He wrote several as I recall.
LOL me too!
Larry was happy in heaven but he missed his friend, so one day St. Peter told him that he could arrange to have him visit Sam Clam in you-know-where. There was just one condition: he couldn’t leave anything behind. Larry the Lobster thought that was a deal he could make, so the next day he went down the elevator to visit Sam Clam.
It turned out that they had a wonderful time together. Sam had opened a disco and business was booming. They spent the whole day dancing and singing and at the end of the day Sam walked Larry back to the elevator and Larry went back up to heaven.
St. Peter met him at the gate. “Aren’t you missing something, Larry?”
“Well, let’s see,” thought Larry, “I’ve got my halo. I’ve got my wings. I’ve got my…oh, no! I left my harp in Sam Clam’s Disco!”
Alexander the Great and his staff meetings
The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6.00 p.m. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6.00 p.m. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!
So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6.00 p.m. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6.00 p.m.," he said, "Cost is no object."
A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed colour at 6.00 p.m. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6.00 p.m. by the colour change, and could consistently get to the 6.00 p.m. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.
It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the colour change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.
Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the navel and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.
A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6.00 p.m., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.
Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a time-band, and in honour of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... Alexander's Rag Time-band!"
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.
Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!’
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