Keep your hands off my wiener, you hoser. Eh
Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
(with apologies to the Smothers Brothers)
My old man’s a wiener peeler,
What do you think about that?
He wears a wiener peeler’s collar,
He wears a wiener peelers hat.
He wears a wiener peeler’s raincoat,
He wears a wiener peelers shoes,
And every Saturday evening,
He reads the wiener peeler’s news.
And someday, if I can,
I’m gonna be a wiener peeler,
The same as my old man.
Keep your hands off my wiener, you hoser. Eh
Barney Frank just applied for both jobs.
They work for tips.
“They’re in the union contract,”...
Well, that’s one clause I haven’t heard about.
“I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.”
I see why you would think these jobs would be attractive to Barney. lol
o/~ Look for the union label... o/~
Anthony’s Weiner is Gay-Married to Barney’s Frank in Taxachussettes.
LOL!
I love your humor! You are better than comic relief...;o)
Thank’ee, ma’am.
 What's this all about? Zotland the Craven |
 |
 Some guidelines for posting on this thread. Some highlights of this thread. |
|
The March Chronicles (redux) Ping! FReepmail sionnsar if you want on or off the ping list. This is a low volume ping list (every few days). Read: The February Chronicles (redux) |
Be nice now!
Not an Austrian constable, but something to do with meat by-products. Well, it will make the Fluffys happy ...
Hey! We’re here! We got stuck in the blizzards, so we had to stay put!
Welcome to March!
Hey! Nice digs. Can’t wait for the first kitteh pics...
All by way of your remark about things Viennese (Wiener). I hope I get to go back to Vienna sometime.
I think I just fell into a bad joke. Has anyone seen my buns? I need to get outta here!
Me, on Honeymoon with my beloved.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.
