A pony was giving a speech in a lecture hall. A man in the back couldn't hear so he told the pony to speak up.
The pony replied: "You'll have to excuse me, I'm a little horse.".
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.'
I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
Two painters, an old man and a youngster, were painting a very large home. It was getting late in the day when they reached the second floor.
Ahead of them was a very long corridor. The younger painter said, "I've had enough for one day. I'm going home."
The older painter started toward the corridor and responded, "Not me. I'm in this for the long hall."
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided.
At last report, the survivors were marooned.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Without geometry, life is pointless
Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
When Obama said I was average, he was just being mean.
I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?
The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America?
Answer: With the Discover Card
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
