Posted on 05/16/2010 9:58:23 AM PDT by DogByte6RER
How to Simulate Being A Sailor
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all sh**cans and butt kits!")
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one-- the same one every night.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!)
21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Midrats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)
29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.
32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.
36. Add 1/3 cup of Diesel fuel to the laundry.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
I believe it was because the attrition rate was so high. I believe there was an 80 percent drop out rate.
oops...thought it said stimulate :-) Wish my Dad was still around to share this with him. He was retired Navy. He would have loved this.
Here you go sand crab.
Thanks for reminding me why I chose to go Air Force (which has its own share of silliness...)
Been there, done that.
There’s one thing I remember that I can’t seem to find a way to duplicate. Sleeping in a berthing between the bow catapaults on the JFK. 150 MPH freight train coming thru your rack every 45 seconds.
We were one deck below the cats, and just aft of the fo’c’sle. I got used to the catapaults, but the anchor dropping that one time when i was asleep scared the hell out of me.
3 1/2 years there, 3 1/4 years near the arresting gear on the Nimitz, and 3 years with a berthing (thankfully) on the third deck on the Ike. But the idiots from fuels would come every night around 0200 to sound tanks, and wake everybody up.
I thought I had it bad, I had a rack on the Midway about 15 feet to starboard of centerline under the #3 wire. I was working night shift at the time. Everytime they landed a Phantom it sounded like they were crashing 20+ tons of airplane right over my head.
Oh, yeah, they were!
My son, (an old navy man) said they have marines on ships cause no one trusts a sailor with a gun...(Unless its anchored to the ship...)
Served aboard a War II Essex (USS Intrepid CVA-11) of Yankee Station in '68, so racks were really racks; aluminum tube w/grommented canvas & cotton rope. Foot-and-a-half under flight deck armor, not even any pipes to muffle the sound!
Only A/C space available to us was the Library; Chaplain's writer walked around with sawed-off broomstick to whack shoes if you dropped off while "Reading"; next shot up side of head if heavy sleeper...
When we got back to The World at Norfolk, buddy showed me around the America; A/C in berthing! Shiny-clean decks, racks with extra storage under, stacked 3-high so you could almost sit up in them... I mean, talk about the OLD navy!
Turned out had an Uncle who served aboard Intrepid as 40mm gunner in '44, when things were REALLY tough!
Need more coffee... (Colombian!) getting that shakey feeling agian...
Three years on JFK as a BT- work in a Sauna for 9 hours a day plus watches unless doing firesides and watersides on a boiler-then work until finished and be denied food in the meantime in the galley because you are “too dirty”. Yeah, I wanted to reenlist!
Hey, stranger.
Long time no see.
(Good sea stories for this old permanent shore duty sailor.)
Didn't the America have transverse racks? I recall one of the First classes griping about that. Apparently they were no fun at all in weather.
OK, now that one's going to be a little obscure to this here new nuke-and-turbine Navy, but those of us who used to run 600-lb plants can relate. You aren't supposed to blow tubes in port. During the day. And get caught.
Hmm...yeah, if you really want to simulate that old-Navy experience you'll nail sharp-edged ledges about eight inches up from all of your door sills right where the tenderest part of your shin is. Then run in and out of your door until you need a splint. At night. And if you're a submarine sailor, you can hang another one at forehead height. Fun for all, especially if you're six foot six!
OUCH!! That is low even for the Navy.
I didn't even think of that...
eeewuuu...
... North Atlantic, Sonar spaces *right* above the cut-water. Rollers coming in felt like a REAL fast elevator going up, then bounced down 3 HUGE bumps.
Lather, rinse, repeat ... Endlessly!
Strapped into Stack seat, belts on, and 5-gallon bucket by my leg. Thought I was gonna die ... then worse when I realised I WOULDN'T, dammit!
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