Posted on 08/07/2009 5:36:07 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
BEER WARNING
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that’s right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, April 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn’t drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
Maxine on California
Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall.... back in 1850?
California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real breasts and the men didn’t hold hands.
Standard equipment includes:
In-dash teleprompter for those tricky and complicated toll booth conversations;
Audio CD of The Messiah’s book “Audacity of Hope” to be played on those calm days when no hot wind is available to power your HOPEMOBILE;
Large trunk for hauling those ACORN posters – and pre-marked ballots -- to the polling place on election day;
Ayres conditioning;
AND SO MUCH MORE!
CALL 1-888-CAR-SUCKS FOR DAILY PRICE UPDATES.
Test drive one the next windy day!
Urk....
You’ve got a ton of us laughing here at the help desk with that one.
A tale told by an idiot
Globe Staff / August 4, 2009
“The Sheriff at the Gates: A Farce in Three Acts’’
Act One
(A street in Cambridgeham. Most Exalted University Professor HENRY LOUIS GATES, freshly returned from the Land of the Asian Khan, is rattling the door of his keep. Enter a WENCH.)
WENCH: Alarum! Alarum! A thief is about!
GATES: Peace, ye fat guts!
(Enter SHERIFF CROWLEY)
CROWLEY: Stay, now! Who disturbs our peaceful shire?
GATES: I disturb no man. My key unlocketh not.
CROWLEY: Forsooth, thou breakest and enterest.
GATES (entering his castle): I break not for witless constables. Begone!
CROWLEY: Back speaks no man to the Sheriff; I arrest thee!
GATES: Knowest thou whom I am? That I am coy with the Daily Beastmistress, Milady Tina? That I am most down with Lady Oprah, the Queen of afternoon tele-dalliances? That I am sworn liege to Dr. Faust, of whom Marlowe wrote? That I unravelest literary mysteries at the Greatest University Known to Man?
CROWLEY: Of Tufts you speak? Even so, thou art under arrest.
GATES: Thou detaineth me because I am a Moor!
CROWLEY: Some of my best friends are Moors. Your pleas availeth not.
GATES: You shall rue the day you crost my threshold.
CROWLEY: Thou dost protest too much. (Escorts the handcuffed GATES offstage.)
Act Two
(Inside the faraway White Palace, where KING BARACK and his faithful DUKE AXELROD confer in an egg-shaped hall.)
AXELROD: The people are restless, sire.
BARACK: Aye, I offereth free poultices and physic to every man, woman, and child, but they spurn my generosity.
AXELROD: Their minds are elsewhere, at the ocean strand, or the playing fields of Fen.
BARACK: Yet I promise them health and long life. With but small increases in the annual tithes.
AXELROD: The people need distraction, my lord.
BARACK: A conflagration perhaps? My Israelite allies yearn to strike Nineveh. . .
AXELROD: Nay, the peasants tire of foreign entanglements. Forget not the disastrous reign of the House of Bush. (A page enters, and hands AXELROD a scroll.) What here? A saucy tale from Cambridgeham. The Sheriff has arrested a Moor for crimes unbefitting a gentleman.
BARACK: Stupid sheriffs arrest many Moors.
AXELROD: Perhaps in the Chicagoland of our youthful acquaintance, my lord. Not so many in Cambridgeham. ’Tis a most gentil and parfit place.
BARACK: Who is the man, and what is his crime?
AXELROD: ’Tis the Most Exalted University tutor Gates. Back has he spoken to the Sheriff, unbidden.
BARACK: Gates? I know this man. We have supped together on the enchanted Isle of Martha’s Vineland. I have seen him with Lady Oprah, prating about his ancestry.
AXELROD: Perhaps a photo op, my lord? We invite Gates and the Sheriff here, quaff ale in the summer heat, and proclaim peace and brotherhood among all men.
BARACK: And savor tobacco from the Duke of Marlboro?
AXELROD: Not with the people watching, sire. (Turns to page) Summon them here!
Act Three
(In the garden of the White Palace, GATES, BARACK and CROWLEY are sipping ale, joined by the FOOL.)
FOOL: What? No beer nuts?
BARACK: Silence, Fool! Or back to Delaware with you.
FOOL (sniffing his glass, suspiciously): What beer is this? I smell the filth of Antwerp and Bruges.
BARACK: ’Tis our nation’s finest, lately of St. Louis, now in foreign hands.
FOOL (Aside): ’Tis a light man that drinks a light beer.
BARACK: Enough prattle! We gather to share ale, and indulge in manly talk of harmony among our tribes.
FOOL: This is no manly talk. Women speak of harmony and quilt-making. Men speak of Signors Ortiz and Ramirez, and the forbidden magic elixirs of the Fen.
BARACK: Enough, Fool! (To GATES and CROWLEY) Now let us raise our cups and swear eternal friendship.
GATES (lifting his glass): I hail the Sheriff and the worthy constabulary! But for them, my name would not have spread beyond our shores, even to the Indes, Cochin, and beyond.
CROWLEY (toasting): I hail the learned tutor! That his castle door may henceforth spring open at his touch, and his neighbors mind their own knitting.
BARACK: All hail the new era of hope and change, when Moor and Sheriff like buds are hugging.
FOOL (belching, loudly): Another round, perhaps? We have only started chugging . . .
(Exit ALL, laughing.)
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?” The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. “Please, ma’am.. May I sit down? I’m very tired.” She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”
This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!”
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, “Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b**ch out the window.
Leave my man alone!
Experts were confused early yesterday by a national burst in productivity... until they discovered that @Twitter was down.
OMG! It is real!
http://www.goodnewsbooks.biz/item/african-amer-exp/bible-cover-barack-obama-prayer-med/547890.html
LOL - good one!
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