The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time

Retro Comedy ^ | Wednesday, July 1, 2009

[the_devils_advocate_666]

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while pedaling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"


14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.


13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!



12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.


11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.



10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger.
Sexy?


9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?


8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.


7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.



6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.


5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"


4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.


3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!


2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.


1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.


Special thanks to Weirdomatic, Livejournal & the fabulous Plan 59 !

[Red in Blue PA]

Love the "Accidental discharge impossible":

[GulfBreeze]

Am I thick? I did not understand how they were selling machines with that add. I wonder if there was more to the whole thing.

Yes... Everyone has to understand that some of these are funny not because the people founfd them funny but because you wonder why they ever went that way to begin with.

I would imagine some people were fired over a couple of these.

Also the little comments from the blogster are his/her interpretation. A lot of other funny thoughts come to mind on some of these.

[Red in Blue PA]

[retrokitten]

Actually, my original comment was:

OMG that Love’s Baby Soft ad! And the baby under the tub! WTH??

Then I commented to another poster regarding the ad about killing the women. But, hey, you find murder, pedophilia, and injured babies funny. To each their own.

[Sudetenland]

No, you just forgot how completely brainwashed you have become by the Leftist media. A vast majority of the women during that time were happy...far happier with their lives than women are today judging from the media and conversation. They understood irony and also were well aware that women of those days usually got there own back in those "evil" sitcoms you feminists so like to attack.

People were simply less prone to take offense at simple humor. They understood the difference between a joke and a serious threat...at least all but the feminist haters.

[NavyCanDo]

I love this one. from 1957

They’re Young... They’re in love... They eat LARD

http://slackerpedia.com/british-lard/images/couple.gif

[JacksonCalhoun]

Hopefully some day soon this ad will be seen as the most bizarre and undesirable of all.

[Red in Blue PA]

[GulfBreeze]

LOL... That CAN’T be real!!!

[Tijeras_Slim]

Just like a Glock ;)

Well, Iver Johnson did invent the transfer bar.

[retrokitten]

Lysol for lady parts!! Ow ow ow!!!!!

But I do have to add that not much has changed for those sorts of ads. Those FDS ads are just as stupid now with pregnancy test and maxipad ads coming in a close second and third.

[Red in Blue PA]

[Hatteras]

"The chubby section was where I did pretty much all of my shopping when I was a kid, it was considered an inoffensive way of alluding to fat kids."

I remember begging my mom to let me get the "Husky" clothes at Sears because I loved dogs and especially Huskies (I had recently read Call of the Wild)

She said she'd love to but they were way to big for me. LOL, I had no idea that "Husky" equaled fat.

[Sudetenland]

But, hey, you find murder, pedophilia, and injured babies funny. To each their own.

So now you go from a lack of any sense of humor to personal attack accusing me of laughing at "pedophilia;" nice. How very Liberal-like of you.

Of course it just further proves how lacking you are of any sense of proportion. There is a difference between being hateful and being humorous...too bad the younger generations no longer comprehend that difference. Everything is personal to people like you.

[retrokitten]

ROTFLMAO!!

[Liberty Valance]

[Sudetenland]

Yeah, I’d forgotten the “Husky” label. Young kids were “Chubby” and then as they got a little older they became “Husky.” Nowadays I’m just “Fat.” :)

[texas booster]

BTTT.

Very funny!

[Red in Blue PA]

[Liberty Valance]