The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time

Retro Comedy ^ | Wednesday, July 1, 2009

[the_devils_advocate_666]

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while pedaling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"


14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.


13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!



12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.


11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.



10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger.
Sexy?


9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?


8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.


7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.



6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.


5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"


4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.


3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!


2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.


1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.


Special thanks to Weirdomatic, Livejournal & the fabulous Plan 59 !

[BlueLancer]

"...like John Riggins told Sandra Day O'Connor whilst he was drunk at a White House dinner in the 80s...."loosen up Sandy"

I thought that was a line from GREASE ...
:-)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RESISTOR

Swear allegiance to the flag, whatever flag they offer;
Never hint at what you really feel.
Teach the children quietly for, someday, sons and daughters
Will rise up and fight while we stood still.

Der Elite Møøsënspåånkængrüppen ØberKømmändø (EMØØK)

[Constitution Day]

LOL!!

[SoftballMominVA]

I sent you a Freepmail. it may explain a thing or two

And the whole quote was “Loosen up Sandy baby, you’re too tight” as he was sliding under the table

Reportedly, she laughed

I thought it was comic genius

[SoftballMominVA]

I just forwarded your post to my husband and waited as he read it. He laughed and agreed 1000% with this statement For a southern woman she was hell on wheels with her having to be heard and have her way...only my dad could handle her

....and then asked me if I got around to changing the oil in the car.

[SoftballMominVA]

The only feminine ‘commercial’ I ever saw that didn’t make me cringe was from “Talladega Nights”

“When you ladies are working on your mysterious lady parts, you need the right tools! Use MAXPAX! The offical tampon of NASCAR - Run with the PAX”

as spoken by Will Ferrell

[Constitution Day]

I think this out-creeps anything you have on here:

Hippie Weirdo Yoga Farmer video

[Slings and Arrows]

---

[Gordon Greene]

Ping to laugh at later...

Thank you, Mr. 6. Although I will never take your mark... I somehow figured you for an advertising man, though. Or a used car salesman.

[the_devils_advocate_666]

You might be surprised. As they say, never judge a book by its cover.

[TheOldLady]

That’s it. You win the creepiest-ad prize.

I’m going to pour bleach in my eyes now.

[TheOldLady]

The longest two minutes and 46 seconds of my life.

[Clemenza]

NOOOOO!!!!

[GOPJ]

I love some old ads too - but did you notice the headline on this post?

It says: "The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time' - it DID NOT say, "The 15 Funniest Ads of All Time" - and for a reason.

Some of them were creepy and sadistic. My comment was not out of line - the cruel ones were not funny.

[Clemenza]

but the feminization of the cool American male image is sickening,

WD, considering all of the poofters working on Madison Avenue these days, should we be surprised?

[the_devils_advocate_666]

I’m impressed, I couldn’t even make it through the whole thing. Clicked it off once the kids all appeared in tights.

[Clemenza]

I am convinced smallish Woody Allen type intellectual Jewish men fantasize about being big black men.

To say nothing of blue collar Italian Americans under the age of 30...

[Slings and Arrows]

Some things haven’t changed.

[the_devils_advocate_666]

They've got a few of the images from this thread posted on the Friday Silliness thread so I thought one they had was appropriate over here:

[don-o]

Must read later. Great stuff.

[Slings and Arrows]

I’m not a lady, but I appreciate a burglar who dresses up for the occassion.