The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time

Retro Comedy ^ | Wednesday, July 1, 2009

[the_devils_advocate_666]

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while pedaling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"


14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.


13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!



12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.


11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.



10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger.
Sexy?


9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?


8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.


7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.



6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.


5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"


4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.


3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!


2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.


1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.


Special thanks to Weirdomatic, Livejournal & the fabulous Plan 59 !

[Marysecretary]

Lysol. Oh my. I wouldn’t let the guy near me if I’d used that stuff.

[Red in Blue PA]

[Sudetenland]

AS compared to a raging feminist harridan who lacks any sense of humor, who takes offense at the slightest provocation, and who thinks she is better than anyone else...is this a trick question?

I'm glad you can laugh, because anyone as bitter and full of hatred as you are needs to laugh a whole lot.

[InvisibleChurch]

I guess I don’t see the problem with any of these.

[Marysecretary]

No, I don’t get ‘off on sadistic ads.’ Most ads here are typical of the period and I’m into vintage advertising. I’m not sure which one you’re speaking of, but I took offense at your calling him a troll and implying he wasn’t a Christian.

[Marysecretary]

LOL. I won’t say what I’m REALLY thinking, LOL.

[SoftballMominVA]

One of the reasons I don't think that ad is very funny is because there are women today that stand for that and so much worse. Violence, even pretend violence, against anyone is just not funny.

There are a lot of us that have relatives, friends, and acquaintances who wear sunglasses, long sleeves, and turtlenecks much too often

[calex59]

So, did you make all these comments? What is wrong with most of the ads? Some of them might be a little over the top but the BB gun ad was right on, nothing wrong with it, nothing wrong with most of them actually.

[PennsylvaniaMom]

Love’s Baby Soft was out in the 70s...so triple ‘ewwwwwwww’ they should have known better at that point. The hand is a grown woman’s...it is just sooooo creepy on so many levels.

[SoftballMominVA]

Yes sir

Sorry for offending you sir

May I service you now sir?

Will there be anything else sir? am I allowed to go cower in a corner and await your next blows sir?

Thank you for showing your son how to treat his women in the future sir.

[the_devils_advocate_666]

I’m not the author, just the messenger.

[painter]

Probably some pedophile.

[B-Chan]

...a wife that greeted you at the door with a drink, while wearing pearls, high heels, and a fancy dress?

Why not kick it old school and go back to the days when women had no vote and were considered chattel of men?

You paint an attractive picture.

[PennsylvaniaMom]

Apparently there is an entire series for Lysol personal...ahhh...cleanliness...ads??? Was Lysol the original, multi-tasking product??? Oh. My. Starz.

[SoftballMominVA]

Which version appeals to you most?

For my husband’s 40th birthday, I arranged to have the kids out of the house and met him at the door in a french maid’s uniform with 6 inch heels and open net stockings. And it was all him.....

It may have been the happiest day of his life

My problem is I don’t know what to do for his 50th

[Sparko]

Other than a downer or two, this is a great thread. ;)

So, to get back to the subject at hand, I was always wondering if each of our parents wanted meat low in "coarse sinew"? Perhaps the one below was the forerunner of the more succesful, "Meat, it's what for dinner" ad.

[SoftballMominVA]

I have this vision of a Lysol spray can....and then I black out and can go no further

[GulfBreeze]

I can absolutely agree with the general principal of what you are saying. However, I think it goes too far to say pretend violence is never funny. One thing that IS funny is that I will bet you 10 to 1 that this company had measurably LOWER coffee sales as a result of this ad. Women as a class have ALWAYS found a way to find their revenge and work in their strength. But it has been true in the past (and is now more than people want to admit) that some were held down and totally dominated through fear of violence.

Three Stooges - Funny.
Jamie Lee Curtis punching Arnold Swartzenager in “True Lies” - Funny.
Any of the million movie scenes where the woman decides to quit taking some creeps cr@p and ends the relationship by decking him. - Funny.
The rolling pin in cartoons. - Funny.
The frying pan in cartoons. - Funny.

Real beating to force ones will on another, dominate or simply express anger. - No, never funny.

To be honest, I was always creeped out by the Honeymooners line from Ralph, “Do you wanna’ go to the moon?!?” clinched fist . Until I finally notice that dead pan look she gave him with ZERO fear that he would dare follow through. ... I think it still creeps me out when I first hear it though, every hair on my neck stands straight up.

[PennsylvaniaMom]

I fear what they might suggested, back in the ‘good ole days’ as a ‘multi-tasking’ use for WD-40...

Remember ‘Janitor in a Drum?’ ‘Spic and Span?’ Did they all have, ahem, “personal uses???”

And here, I spent my adult years thinking the Summer’s Eve ads were icky...

[Kenny Bunk]

I worked in the adbiz for many years as a writer. My first efforts were for Carnation Evaporated Milk in the rural market:

No teats to pull
no hay to pitch
Just punch a hole in the sonofabeach.

Nearly fired for my work on Preparation H

Now! New!
You Can Kiss Those Hemorrhoids Goodbye!