The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time

Retro Comedy ^ | Wednesday, July 1, 2009

[the_devils_advocate_666]

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while pedaling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"


14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.


13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!



12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.


11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.



10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger.
Sexy?


9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?


8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.


7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.



6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.


5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"


4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.


3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!


2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.


1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.


Special thanks to Weirdomatic, Livejournal & the fabulous Plan 59 !

[Skooz]

This one is absolutely horrific. I can't believe it was ever published. Anywhere.

[Sudetenland]

Never called anyone here "a Liberal." I did call you a feminist because of the way you over-reacted to a simple advertisement from the forties or fifties.

My old dad used to say, "If it looks like a duck , walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. You most certainly were quacking like a duck.

You have a nice weekend as well...in all seriousness.

I wouldn't want to ruin anyone's weekend over something as trivial as this posting. :)

Peace.

[Robert A Cook PE]

The most Frightening ad of them all!

[SoftballMominVA]

Nah... I just know what it means to respect someone - and that implying that sometimes it is okay to kill someone, just really isn’t funny

Guess it was a pretty happy time for the guys - especially with the women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen all year round and saying “yassuh” and “nosuh” all the time

[SoftballMominVA]

...and why the heck does the jelly have to be so daggone RED?? BTW did you notice the cup of juice or something next to the bread? Is that extra blood to wash it all down with?

[ConservativeMan55]

bttt

[Red in Blue PA]

[SoftballMominVA]

OMG — Lysol on my mysterious lady parts? Uh uh — Dave can handle his issues on his own if that is the ‘key’ to his love

[GulfBreeze]

I still keep mine that way. All of ‘em.

[Marysecretary]

As a former antiques dealer, I love the old trade cards pictured here.

[Marysecretary]

THAT’s the most disgusting and unfunny ad of all.

[Red in Blue PA]

[retrokitten]

Oh, I dig. *wink*wink*

[Marysecretary]

RIGHT. That’s a GOOD ad.

[Marysecretary]

RIGHT. That’s a GOOD ad.

[retrokitten]

I don't even know what that means.

[painter]

Great add.

As a matter of fact I got the third bb gun from the top for Christmas when I was 7. It shot hard and was extremely accurate.

[Red in Blue PA]

[AUJenn]

I love vintage ads. Reminds me of the show “Mad Men” - one of my favorites to watch.

This ad reminded me of something my mom said recently. She applied to be a stewardess about 30 years ago. Her first interview was over the phone and one of the first questions they asked her was if she had any “visible scars” because their employees had to appear flawless. Ha! Can you even imagine the outcries and lawsuits if that happened today?

[Marysecretary]

I LOVE old Hires Rootbeer ads. I used to buy and sell old advertising trays, advertisements, tip trays, trade cards. They’re great.