Posted on 04/22/2009 11:20:55 AM PDT by ConservativeMind
Dating couples whose dreams include marriage would do well to step back and reflect upon the type of support they'll need from their partners when they cross the threshold, a new Northwestern University study suggests.
Will the partner who supports your hopes and aspirations while you are dating also help you fulfill important responsibilities and obligations that come with marriage? The answer to that question could make a difference in how satisfied you are after tying the knot.
Believing a partner is there to help you grow into the person you aspire to be predicted higher relationship satisfaction for both dating and married couples, the study showed. But the belief that your partner helps you live up to your responsibilities and uphold your commitments only predicted higher relationship satisfaction after marriage.
For dating couples, the relationship itself tends to revolve around whether things are moving forward. Happiness with a partner depends on whether the relationship will grow into something more, whether a partner will support the dreams the other eventually hopes to achieve.
For married couples, the feeling that their partners are helping them to advance their relationships and realize their ideal achievements is still important. But the relationships of married couples, now more interconnected both practically and psychologically, tend to revolve around upholding the commitment made to their partners. Unlike dating couples, married couples also put a high premium on their partners' support of whatever they determine to be necessary obligations.
"In other words, the feelings of being loved and supported that people use to judge who makes a good girlfriend or boyfriend may not be completely trustworthy in deciding who makes a good husband or wife," said Daniel Molden, assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern and lead author of the study. "Those feelings may only partially capture the emotions that will determine your satisfaction with the person you marry."
The findings, Molden said, could be important in explaining why so many marriages fall apart.
The study, which will be published in the July issue of Psychological Science, included 92 heterosexual dating couples and 77 married couples. They completed a battery of questionnaires that included an assessment of how much they thought their partner understood and supported both the hopes and responsibilities they had set for themselves. To measure how different types of perceived support were related to happiness with the relationship, couples also completed well-validated measures of satisfaction, intimacy and trust.
Previous research overwhelmingly demonstrates an important connection between feelings about partner support and satisfaction with a relationship but does not reveal any differences for dating versus married couples.
By identifying different ways in which people feel supported by their partners, the new Northwestern study goes beyond past work to show that support for maintaining perceived responsibilities seems to be important for satisfaction only after marriage.
The study also showed that different types of perceived support predicted differences in people's overall satisfaction with their lives.
"People planning to get married should think about not only how their partners support what they hope to achieve but also about how their partners support what they feel obligated to accomplish," Molden said. "We could end up with both happier marriages and more satisfied people in general."
Source: Northwestern University
Too many people seem to have the notion that being married means continual bliss without effort. Bliss can occur, but not without WORKING, every day, to keep the relationship alive.
ROTFL!!
New Afghan law does not allow marital rape...
but lets men refuse to feed wives who deny them sex
Daily Mail [UK] | 17th April 2009 | Mail Foreign Service
Posted on 04/22/2009 12:00:33 PM PDT by Slings and Arrows
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/2235412/posts
-and-
Man hires impotent neighbour to impregnate his wife... then sues
Yahoo! News via Newsvine | Tue Apr 21, 2009 | None given
Posted on 04/21/2009 4:14:16 PM PDT by TenthAmendmentChampion
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/2234715/posts
I married a woman who completely supported me before marriage, encouraged me to spread my wings, told me my career was important to us, and would follow me anywhere. I fell for it, and her.
Then I got married, and she pulled the rug out from under me. I had to adapt to her plan, period. My career was not important at all. I was just one little square in her giant checkerboard. Husband? Check.
Needless to say, I am divorced. Most painful period in my life. It is absolutely shocking to discover that you not only have been duped, but that your friends knew it beforehand.
“Why didn’t you tell me this before I got married to her?”
“Would you have listened?”
(humble voice) “Nope.”
My wife and I say that it isn’t so much a frienship as much as we both are the only other person that will put up with either one of us! lol
......Then I got married, and she pulled the rug out from under me. I had to adapt to her plan, period. My career was not important at all. I was just one little square in her giant checkerboard......
I had a friend who had this same problem. What was really bad was that his new wife’s plan was at odds to his mother’s plan to which he towed the line.
Suicide at 21
I once dated a girl with whom I would have wound up in the same situation had I married her. Interestingly, our mutual friends told me at the time that I should leave her, but I thought that once you made a decision to date, that you followed through until it had no chance to truly recover.
After two years of three day cycles from her being elated, to being indifferent, to crying and blaming me for things she did (then apologizing), I couldn't take it any more.
I only casually did things with women over the next 10 years, having been taken through the wringer.
I then met my wife and she was a truly solid person in all good ways. I'm glad each day to be married to her.
Too many have married people that are not stable or who do not have good hearts. I learned from couples I knew to hold off until the right one was found. Life often seemed pretty lonely, but I'm grudgingly glad the many years it took allowed me to be with her.
If she died, I would only marry a woman of good character and heart, like her.
LOL!!! There is that too!
Live and learn. Thanks for your empathy. Older and wiser, and listen to my friends more. It happens.
Cathexis is fleeting.
A - ping - men!
The stuff you expect ‘em to do when you date, isn’t the same as the stuff you’ll expect ‘em to do when you marry ‘em.
You may be hiring a plumber to do the job of a pianist.
Where did you get your disgronificator?
I got it at the Frackmodisoniatism Store.
They’re cheap. Want one? They’re not made in china.
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