Posted on 04/22/2009 11:20:55 AM PDT by ConservativeMind
Dating couples whose dreams include marriage would do well to step back and reflect upon the type of support they'll need from their partners when they cross the threshold, a new Northwestern University study suggests.
Will the partner who supports your hopes and aspirations while you are dating also help you fulfill important responsibilities and obligations that come with marriage? The answer to that question could make a difference in how satisfied you are after tying the knot.
Believing a partner is there to help you grow into the person you aspire to be predicted higher relationship satisfaction for both dating and married couples, the study showed. But the belief that your partner helps you live up to your responsibilities and uphold your commitments only predicted higher relationship satisfaction after marriage.
For dating couples, the relationship itself tends to revolve around whether things are moving forward. Happiness with a partner depends on whether the relationship will grow into something more, whether a partner will support the dreams the other eventually hopes to achieve.
For married couples, the feeling that their partners are helping them to advance their relationships and realize their ideal achievements is still important. But the relationships of married couples, now more interconnected both practically and psychologically, tend to revolve around upholding the commitment made to their partners. Unlike dating couples, married couples also put a high premium on their partners' support of whatever they determine to be necessary obligations.
"In other words, the feelings of being loved and supported that people use to judge who makes a good girlfriend or boyfriend may not be completely trustworthy in deciding who makes a good husband or wife," said Daniel Molden, assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern and lead author of the study. "Those feelings may only partially capture the emotions that will determine your satisfaction with the person you marry."
The findings, Molden said, could be important in explaining why so many marriages fall apart.
The study, which will be published in the July issue of Psychological Science, included 92 heterosexual dating couples and 77 married couples. They completed a battery of questionnaires that included an assessment of how much they thought their partner understood and supported both the hopes and responsibilities they had set for themselves. To measure how different types of perceived support were related to happiness with the relationship, couples also completed well-validated measures of satisfaction, intimacy and trust.
Previous research overwhelmingly demonstrates an important connection between feelings about partner support and satisfaction with a relationship but does not reveal any differences for dating versus married couples.
By identifying different ways in which people feel supported by their partners, the new Northwestern study goes beyond past work to show that support for maintaining perceived responsibilities seems to be important for satisfaction only after marriage.
The study also showed that different types of perceived support predicted differences in people's overall satisfaction with their lives.
"People planning to get married should think about not only how their partners support what they hope to achieve but also about how their partners support what they feel obligated to accomplish," Molden said. "We could end up with both happier marriages and more satisfied people in general."
Source: Northwestern University
ping
This is why recognizing the following makes a marriage pretty much unbreakable no matter what:
1. Recognize your marriage as a sacrament, not a business arrangement.
2. Recognize that if you are called to marriage, it is your vocation. It is who you are in the eyes of God.
3. Remember the vows you took at your wedding. Think about what they meant, and understand these vows are for life, unbreakable, and if you try and void one (whether its how you treat your spouse, whether you are accepting your children or aborting them, or if you are raising them up according to the precepts of the church) you are discoupling your marriage vows from your marraige and look out below when that happens
4. Understand that your vocation is a vehicle of grace for you, and YOU are a vehicle of grace for your spouse. You are dependent upon one another to achieve heaven together. Do NOT be an obsticle to your spouse.
5. Love is a choice, not a feeling. Jesus taught us that in the Passion. He did not skip and dance His way to Calvary. He embraced His cross because His love was absolute. WHILE we were sinners, He gave His life for us. Can we do less for our spouse, even when we wake up, look over at them, and wonder, what was I thinking??? No, love is a choice, choose it every day, especially after you promise to.
Remember these things, and most importantly, remember that marriage is between 3 not 2. Christ is the head of every marriage.
I read this, but I have no idea what they are trying to say.
You've got that right. My husband is my best friend.
Of course, another challenge to married couples is liberals trying to profane the institution and render those sacred vows meaningless. But of course they’re not going to touch that at a big PC university. The gaystapo would smash in all their windows, after all.
For dating couples, the relationship itself tends to revolve around whether things are moving forward. Happiness with a partner depends on whether the relationship will grow into something more, whether a partner will support the dreams the other eventually hopes to achieve.
For married couples, the feeling that their partners are helping them to advance their relationships and realize their ideal achievements is still important. But the relationships of married couples, now more interconnected both practically and psychologically, tend to revolve around upholding the commitment made to their partners. Unlike dating couples, married couples also put a high premium on their partners’ support of whatever they determine to be necessary obligations.
Basically, what we typically see when dating as “important” becomes only partially important in marriage. For good marriages, an additional important perspective is the desire to uphold the vows of each other, keeping each other directed forward in a healthy fashion for the relationship.
This might mean keeping each other physically fit, spiritually strong, emotionally satisfied, etc. When dating, all that was encouraged was basically that a long-term dream was a general shared target and that marriage would occur.
Couples seem to loose sight of the fact that marriage takes work on the part of both parties.
My own marriage was starting to suffer a bit a few years back. I was feeling unloved and unappreciated. I was still cooking thoughtful meals and making it a point that my hubby came home to a welcoming environment. He was getting too wrapped up in work.
I sat him down and told him the problem. I asked that once a month he bring me a small gift. It could be a single flower, a coffee cup... anything. Just let me know that he cared. He also had to greet me properly when he walked in the door. A hug, a kiss, a “it’s good to see you!”
He agreed and followed through.
The tricky part with women is that when our men do what we ask, we get angry that that’s *all* they do. I didn’t fall into that trap. He did as I asked - and nothing more - and I saw that he was truly trying to make me happy and that he really did care. If he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t bother with the little things.
The thing is to identify the problem and come up with a reasonable solution quickly. He was getting too wrapped up in work. I had to be understanding that he was under a lot of pressure and stress and try not to add to the problem, yet still get him to refocus a bit on the relationship. I had to do it with compassion and in a nonconfrontational way. He had to meet me half way.
And those little things made a HUGE difference. We are more loving on a daily basis.
I thought it was gnarble, too.
Women: Remember than your now-husband will never change.
If you take these things into careful, realistic consideration chances are you'll have a happy marriage.
“The gaystapo”
You must be in the genius range of IQ.
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is
what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays, I fish.”
:) pretty well summed up in 2.
I'm glad I waited until my early 30's; if I'd have married some of the girls I dated in my 20s, I would have certainly turned into a statistic.
Half of all marriages end in divorce. The other half end in death. Just sayin...
I wish you and your bride all the best.
Only on Fridays? Damn. Poor guy.
“I read this, but I have no idea what they are trying to say.”
Whew! I was feeling a bit inadequate for a minute.
;-)
I hear ya !!! Only thing close to fishing is the eating!
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