Posted on 04/18/2008 5:16:41 PM PDT by WFTR
We all have certain conversations or kinds of conversations that we thoroughly hate. On a singles' thread, maybe the first one that comes to mind is the "just friends" talk. Most of us hate to be on either end of that one. Maybe a few people enjoy giving that talk but not receiving that talk. I don't want us to focus on just that conversation, but I want to throw open the general topic.
What accident was I in and what head injury did I have that made me come up with this subject? Well, I'm in a book club at work, and our book for the second quarter is called Difficult Conversations - How to Discuss What Matters Most. I don't want to jump into that book on the singles' thread, but I will bring up one or two ideas. Mostly, I want us to talk about what we think makes a difficult conversation. I'm curious whether a group of people being asked to consider the issue will have similar ideas to those of the book's authors.
With that idea in mind, here are the first questions around this topic:
What makes a difficult conversation difficult?
Can you give some examples?
Are there any tips that you've found that have helped you with a particular kind of difficult conversation or with difficult conversations in general?
What do you see as the pros and cons of holding difficult conversations in person? by phone? by e-mail? by snail mail?
Do you think internet forums are more likely to make a conversation difficult or less likely to make a conversation difficult?
One point that I will explore from the book is the idea that "Who's right and who's wrong doesn't matter." The book makes this kind of statement in a few places. Occasionally, the book will admit examples or situations where right and wrong do matter, but the general emphasis is neutrality. Do you agree that right and wrong don't matter? Do you think every difficult conversation involves an issue of right and wrong? If you see right and wrong as relevant, does raising the "right and wrong" aspect of the situation always make things better?
I say speak up before you get angry and then the conversation is about doomed.
Speak up while you can still do it calmly.
Is there ever a situation when the best course of action is to let things go and hope that they improve on their own? How do you know how to "pick your battles?"
Don’t even worry about it. The last time you sent a hi rez version, I couldn’t even tell the difference. (blush) Sorry, did i mention that i wear glasses?????
My general impression is that most people in “book clubs” are self-obsessed, narcistic, left-wing nuts.
Liberals love to talk about how non-judgemental they are but that is total BS. They love to trot out their "judge not" type Bible verses whenever it's convenient for them. When they are in the wrong and they know it (i.e., Bill Clinton Impeachment) they will quote their fav no judgement-let he who is without sin Bible verses. But of course they have no probblem making vile judgements on Newt Gingrich, Karl Rove, Ann Coulter, etc....
I am rooting for the Canada teams. I love the way their crowds are so into the game.
In difficult discussions that you've had over the course of your life, have all of them centered on some black and white issue or have some of them boiled down to matters of personal preference? I think some issues are clearly black and white or right and wrong, but others are not.
I have the same problem, usually because when I stop to consider my point and choose which words to use next, the other person frequently takes that opportunity to jump in with more of their own thoughts. Sometimes I think they may not have been listening to me at all, but simply waiting for more air time for themselves. Had a few bosses like that - they'd ask me something, then while I'm answering, they'd cut me off with something else. Very frustrating.
On the boss front, I'm fortunate right now. When I really need to talk, my boss will listen. On the other hand, he's comfortable with my writing, and when I write something, he has good documentation for the files. Even when I come to his office to report on something, we both expect him to do most of the talking. I get a good grasp of what he needs and return to my office to do the documentation. Sometimes, I can influence things a great deal by how I write the findings.
1. What’s your favorite firearm?
I have a 1911a1 that I had tricked out. A real sweet shooter. [grin]
I agree that the rejection conversations generally need to be face to face. On the other hand, I don't see putting someone to a great deal of trouble to meet just so I can say that we won't make it. I'm just as happy with someone rejecting me from a distance. I may have questions, but having them answered through e-mail is fine.
I've never fired a real rifle like you describe. I've fired a few .22 rifles, an SKS, and an old M1 carbine. Someday, maybe I'll get to shoot a high quality rifle.
Thursday, we had to pick up a projo tv set from a customers house. It was in the FAR corner of the basement and the boss, Ray did NOT want to carry the set. he told the customer this , in a pretty hostile way. The two of them got to arguing pretty heavily and the customer mad a comment about how bad Ray's attitude was—and that in his younger days—he would have HIT ray for talking to him this way.
By now—with things spinning out of control, I suggested that we try and take in the TV anyway. I went out to the van to get the gloves,
(I will NOT carry a big screen up or down stairs without gloves on-a couple of months ago, my hand got VERY badly bruised and swollen, when Ray mashed my right hand into a staircase while I was carrying a projo set. I DID have on gloves(the CUSTOMER had let me use them) and had I NOT had the gloves on—I am SURE my hand would have been BROKEN!!)
Anyway, when I returned, instead of THANKING me for being willing to carry the set, He started JUMPING on ME—blaming ME for everything, saying I was not doing my job right, and such. I told him that if he didn't like my work, to get someone else(in the past this AlWAYS shut him up, but not THIS time. HE yelled loud and the customer was right at the top of the stairs, and I KNOW he heard all of it.
When we got to the van, it was obvious that he had only STARTED to attack me. He continued ranting and raving, saying I caused him more trouble than anyone he had ever worked with, that I was no good, not worth my pay and so on. By this time, I was so upset I told him to stop the van, and I got out and began walking. It was about 10 miles back to where my van was—but I did not CARE at that point.
He came up to me a few seconds later and asked me to get in and go back to the shop. But he was NOT done yet. He started making fun of me and saying that everything that happened to me in the past regarding failed jobs was MY fault and such. By now, I was nearly in tears and would talk NO MORE to him. we rode the 7 or more miles back to the shop from that point in silence.
When we got back, I told his wife, who really runs the shop and loves my work, what happened. She then tried to shut him up, as he was still ranting on. I then told him that he would NEVER humiliate me that way in front of a customer again, and that he did NOT realize how nasty he comes across to people. His daughter and wife then assured me that he did NOT even realize most of what he was saying, then made him stop and apologize to me. he did so, said he was sorry, and we shook hands. We all then left early, as all were stressed out. I was so stressed out that I just felt like “ getting in my van and driving around the country for about a week or more” besides that, some other stressful things have been happening in my life—and I was at the “breaking point .
Thanks for doing the thread - sorry have not been around much this weekend but dad has his hormone injection on Thursday and has somewhat of a reaction to it so has been going to bed earlier and did likewise.
On the subject of right and wrong. There are situations where at the time this is irrelevant you have just got to deal with the result especially if health is involved. Afterwards it maybe necessary to explore the rights and wrong but often it dealt with and you know it will not occur again it becomes irrelevant and unproductive to dissect.
Whether he accepts this fact or not, his behavior is driving people away from his business. Getting into a nasty argument with a customer was inexcusable. Turning the argument against an employee only makes him look worse. I wouldn't trust someone like that to work on anything of mine, and I'd be sure to tell my friends not to trust him.
Your problem is that you're in a bad place to have this conversation. I don't know the right answer. The book talks about telling him your feelings, but he clearly doesn't care about your feelings. I had a boss like that once, and I just left the company.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad, and I hope he’s feeling better soon. Do what you need to do on the home front.
1. .22 automatic. It’s the only one I feel confident with, at this point.
2. Have not been to the zoo in awhile even though San Antonio’s zoo is nice. San Diego is awesome.
3. Definitely an olympic pool.
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