***The OFFICIAL Weekend Singles Thread*** April 18-20 - Those Difficult Conversations

April 18, 2008 | WFTR

[WFTR]

Welcome to the Weekend Singles' Thread!!

We all have certain conversations or kinds of conversations that we thoroughly hate. On a singles' thread, maybe the first one that comes to mind is the "just friends" talk. Most of us hate to be on either end of that one. Maybe a few people enjoy giving that talk but not receiving that talk. I don't want us to focus on just that conversation, but I want to throw open the general topic.

What accident was I in and what head injury did I have that made me come up with this subject? Well, I'm in a book club at work, and our book for the second quarter is called Difficult Conversations - How to Discuss What Matters Most. I don't want to jump into that book on the singles' thread, but I will bring up one or two ideas. Mostly, I want us to talk about what we think makes a difficult conversation. I'm curious whether a group of people being asked to consider the issue will have similar ideas to those of the book's authors.

With that idea in mind, here are the first questions around this topic:

What makes a difficult conversation difficult?

Can you give some examples?

Are there any tips that you've found that have helped you with a particular kind of difficult conversation or with difficult conversations in general?

What do you see as the pros and cons of holding difficult conversations in person? by phone? by e-mail? by snail mail?

Do you think internet forums are more likely to make a conversation difficult or less likely to make a conversation difficult?

One point that I will explore from the book is the idea that "Who's right and who's wrong doesn't matter." The book makes this kind of statement in a few places. Occasionally, the book will admit examples or situations where right and wrong do matter, but the general emphasis is neutrality. Do you agree that right and wrong don't matter? Do you think every difficult conversation involves an issue of right and wrong? If you see right and wrong as relevant, does raising the "right and wrong" aspect of the situation always make things better?

[WFTR]

Okay folks, this one could become controversial if anyone bothers to post. Let's play nice.

[WFTR]

Friday Night Singles
Please freepmail DaveLoneRanger to be added / removed

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Bonus Questions

1. Last week's topic was change. What would you like to change about the Weekend Singles' Thread and would you be willing to do anything to help us implement that change?

2. What kind of animal best represents you?

3. What team are you pulling for in the Stanley Cup playoffs?

4. Since #3 is about hockey and so few people around here like hockey, I'll give a fourth bonus question. Regarding the whole "right and wrong" issue in difficult conversations, do you think the idea of not concentrating on "who's right and who's wrong" is more of a liberal idea, a conservative idea, or that both political ideologies have their share of that kind of thinking?

Bill

[knarf]

"What makes a difficult conversation difficult?

Exposure.

I'm no shrink, nor do I play one on TV ... but all that Victorian, Freudian stuff scares the Crap out of most people.

The biggest lies America ever bought into was .. "Never discuss religion, politics nor sex" .. and yet ... those seem to be the very areas a lot of people are freaked out about.

I think those conversations that are difficult are the ones that expose us to admitting something .. not necesarrily saying a particular thing, but the flavor of our conversation may reveal, "Ohhhh ... you really like tiny boobs" .. or .. "I didn't know you had those socialist thoughts" .. or .. "Wait a minute .. are you implying baptism is not necessary for salvation?"

All this exposes us to have to dig deep into areas that, perhaps, we haven't completely digested yet .. and .. rather than risk being questioned, we refrain from the topic altogether.

[darkangel82]

The biggest lies America ever bought into was .. "Never discuss religion, politics nor sex"

The big three.

[Froufrou]

I’m really only here by invite, not by being single. But, I feel it is important to support my single FReeper FRiends. So I am willing to participate in the changes if I am still invited as a horny married woman.

[toothfairy86]

I think the most difficult conversations involve things that expose our vulnerabilities or involve criticism or something that would damage our egos. I know that I, for one, am not a very diplomatic person. I usually just blurt things out and then regret it. In an effort to avoid being insensitive, I usually just keep quiet. I think most people try to avoid confrontation and just sweep things under the rug and hope they go away.
P.S. Go Pens!!!

[My hearts in London - Everett]

"What would you like to change about the Weekend Singles' Thread"

Get rid of questions like this:

"2. What kind of animal best represents you?"

;~P

Sorry, I had to say it. I'm a little grumpy. It's snowing. :(

[GOP_Raider]

3. What team are you pulling for in the Stanley Cup playoffs?

I'm gonna go with my tagline on this one. :)

[knarf]

" .. if I am still invited as a horny married woman."

Bring it, darlin'.

[Keith in Iowa]

>>>3. What team are you pulling for in the Stanley Cup playoffs?

Ice Hockey should only be played in places when, and where it can be played outdoors. :)

[knarf]

"Ice Hockey should only be played in places when, and where it can be played outdoors."

(Siigghhh) .. I learned to play when they flooded Fallon Field (in a 'burb of Boston called Roslindale), in the winter ... when low levels of water would freeze .. and stay frozen for weeks.

.

.

In the 1950's.

[My hearts in London - Everett]

I would rather have difficult conversations in person, myself. I like to see the expression on people's faces to determine how they are taking the conversation. Silences by phone can be deceptive and misleading.

Conversations on internet forums are, in my opinion, more difficult because you have varied, unknown elements who can become very confrontational once you state an opinion. They have the anonymity to be as harsh or hateful as they like, whereas in person they might use more discretion and tact.

My best advise for a difficult conversation is to think about what you want to say or what needs to be said beforehand so that you don't lose your cool or your train of thought in the heat of the moment. If you're mad about a situation, of course, it's best to wait until you've cooled down to talk to someone so you don't overwhelm them with your emotion.

In trivialities, I will agree that "who's right and who's wrong" doesn't matter. But in larger issues, it definitely does matter and it all depends on how much you care that it also matter to the person you're conversing with. You can skip around the issue a little to determine how they are most likely to be convinced of your argument, if at all.

[WFTR]

You are most certainly invited to participate.

[WFTR]

You pose an interesting point that I hadn't considered.

When I started this thread, I didn't consider the attitude that religion, politics, and sex should not be discussed in polite conversation. (Some versions include money in that list.) They provide an interesting place to start, but I had always seen different reasons to avoid those subjects.

I had always seen religion as taboo because most belief systems define themselves as the only way to reach God. If one truly believes one of those systems, then there is a kind of condemnation of anyone outside that system. I think mature people can learn to be friends in spite of that difference, but most of us don't like having to state that a friend is condemned under our belief system and don't like being seen that way by a friend.

Politics is similar except that the condemnation is in this world instead of in the next world. Someone who wants to take my money (or allow others to take my money) for wrongful purposes is my enemy. Someone who wants to take my freedom without just cause (as I see just cause) is my enemy. I'm less worried about exposing my belief in the sense of letting someone know what I believe than I am about having to define someone as my enemy.

I had always seen sex as a forbidden subject because our society has traditionally been much more modest. The sexual relationship between a man and his wife was only for the two of them to understand. Discussing the topic was considered immodest and an invasion.

I'd like to hear others' opinions of what makes a forbidden topic into a forbidden topic.

[WFTR]

Do you consider a lack of diplomacy to be your vulnerability or something that would subject you to criticism, or are you saying that your tendency to be undiplomatic would make others fear exposure?

You've hit on the same exposure theme that knarf did. Would you have used the word "exposure" anyway, or were you influenced by his use of the word? As I said in my post to him, I wasn't thinking in terms of exposure, but I find that line of thought interesting. I can see where the book goes in that direction to some extent, but I don't remember much talk about "exposure" in the book.

PS. When I first started to become a hockey fan in the early 90's, one of the guys who introduced me to hockey was a big-time Penguins fan.

[WFTR]

LOL Sorry, but I was kinda struggling for bonus questions tonight. I was also thinking in terms of animals because of something in my life over the past week or so. I'm thinking of buying a new vehicle to replace my truck, but I can't find just what I want. My mom had e-mailed a local friend and told her to tell me to just buy a vehicle. I replied that my mom really knows better. I'm like a turtle. If you leave me alone, I'll make some progress, but if you start poking at me, I'll just go into my shell until you go away.

[WFTR]

The Sharks have a good chance. I’m a Dallas fan, but I know that the Sharks finished higher in the regular season.