Posted on 02/16/2008 6:38:35 PM PST by snugs
This weekend I thought we could consider what sort of image we have of ourselves and how does that impact our single status.
Do we think if only I was younger, prettier, more handsome, could loose a few pounds, get a more positive attitude, be more relaxed, not be so particular about things etc etc I would have a partner.
Or do you feel that it is not anything to do with you just that you have not met the right person yet?
Sometimes a poor self image can affect ones ability to attract someone of the opposite sex and we all the hype these days about how we should look, what we should wear, what we should eat, how we should behave etc etc and it is easy to fall into this trap.
I was thinking along these lines because today I was very pleased that a little weight I had put on since my birthday and over Christmas/New Year and was very pleased with myself which led me to remeber that I did not feel very proud of myself when I final accepted a couple of years ago that I had let myself go and put a lot of weight on and needed to loose it.
I had to get perspective though and realise the weight gain was a result of things going on in my life at the time which had not allowed my normal control mechanisms to kick in. Then not give myself a bad time but to be positive and do something about it. This I did and I after about 3 or 4 months I got back to my normal weight of around 112 pounds. As stated above I did put a little back on late last year but after Christmas was over addressed this and know that that I am back in control and listening to my body once again.
My first point being I could have been very depressed and been unable to do anything about this or acknowledge that probably I was depressed or had been and this is what had led to the weight gain in the first place through comfort eating.
My second point is that I also had to acknowledge whether I was fat or thin did not change the who I was and that I was the same person fat or thin but I did have a choice in the matter.
My third point being there are some things we can change such as weight or attitude but there are many things we cannot change about ourselves but we need to accept that or else it becomes a big issue and it will affect our daily lives.
Well these are a few of my thoughts tonight which leads me to ask you to consider the following questions.
1) Do you think it is your fault you are single and if so do you think you could have done or even still do anything to change this?
2) If you think it is your fault you are single are you resigned to being single because you feel you cannot do anything it.
3) If one of the reasons you believe you are single is because you have high standards, do you believe these are realistic standards or do you think you should consider relaxing some of them?
4) Do you think that sometimes a bad self image can cause you problems with the opposite sex as well as relationships with people of the same sex?
I realise some of these questions are quite personal and you may not wish to answer them directly but maybe instead you may wish to use examples both positive and negative ones you have observed in your life and whether you think they are relate in any way to ones single status.
Not wanting to end the introduction on down note but instead in positive mode lets have examples of achievements either in your own life or in people you know and how this can led to you feeling confident and positive either through your own achievements or belief if someone you know can do this then it is achievable to you too. During these periods does this influence your relationships in a positive manner?
I END MY THOUGHTS SAYING RELAX AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE THINGS YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT AND DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT THE THINGS YOU CANNOT.
ACCEPT THEM AND MOVE ON AND DO NOT LET THEM HINDER YOUR DAILY LIVES AND EVEN TURN WHAT YOU THINK ARE YOUR NEGATIVES INTO POSITIVES
I'm not always successful, but I try pretty hard not to think in terms of whose "fault" has made me single. I took a very passive approach to dating back when I was in the best place in life to find a spouse and get married. I think part of that approach had to do with who I was as a person. I didn't like the thought of trying to be more active. Maybe part of that approach has to do with how my parents raised me. A large part of that approach has to do with the church teachings that I received at that time in my life. There was a heavy emphasis on "waiting on the Lord" and not doing anything unless I had a "peace about it." Maybe God takes an active role in helping others, but He never took an active role in helping me. I was never going to "have a peace about" any part of dating. "A peace about it" is for people who have better natural social skills than I do.
Few things have come easy for me. I've had the advantage of growing up in a stable home, but I've never been a natural talent at anything. I'm a good engineer, and I'm fairly smart. To develop into a good engineer, I had to be the guy who sat in class and asked the questions that everyone else thought were stupid questions even if they didn't immediately know the answer. I was the guy who had to go to office hours and ask the professor for help. I had some awkward times, but I worked hard and learned. I built for myself a solid understanding of the subject matter, and that understanding has made me a good engineer.
If I'd taken the same approach to relationships, I think I would have found similar success. I would have been awkward at times. I wouldn't have come across like a handsome actor playing the role perfectly, but I think I could have developed a good relationship that would have greatly enriched my life. Is it God's fault that I didn't take an active approach? I did what I did because I thought that "waiting on the Lord" would bring glory to Him. Is it the church's fault that they gave teachings that led me to believe that the passive approach would be right for me? Is it my fault for listening to the "leaders" in church and Christian fellowships?
To me, "fault" is irrelevant at this point. On an emotional level, I'll always hate the people who said things that led me not to take an active approach to relationships, but they are long since out of my life. Whether I hate them or not is irrelevant to them. I'm the one who has to live with my decisions whether I fault myself or not for having arrived at those decisions. To some extent, I have to fault myself, but I also realize that I was misled as many others have been.
In terms of the future, I'm not sure what I should do. I have a hard time believing that I could be right for someone who could be right for me. If I stumble across this person, I'll be thankful for her. However, I'm not going to spend large amounts of time going out of my way to search for her. You've heard the expression, "Sending good money after bad." I don't want to spend "good" time in places that are uncomfortable for me in the hopes that I'm finally going to meet someone.
I think I've mostly covered the first two questions. In terms of standards, I don't know whether my standards are unrealistic or not. I want someone who I can trust. That standard shouldn't be unrealistic. I want someone whose basic personality is kind and gentle. That standard shouldn't be unrealistic. I want someone for whom I feel an honest attraction. I've been attracted to plenty of women who are not "Sports Illustrated swimsuit models," but none of these women seem interested in me. I want someone who's in a position in life to be my wife first, but most women my age (or even ten to fifteen years younger) have kids from other relationships. "Unrealistic" is a function of what I have to bring to a relationship, and I'm not sure whether I have enough to be a good find for someone who I would like. I see no point in changing my standards. I've always believed that if I lower my standards at every rejection, I'll end up marrying the least desirable woman that I ever date. A relationship will either be right or it won't. I'm not going to pursue a relationship that isn't right.
Self-image is a tough concept for me to understand sometimes. I think women are drawn to self-confidence more than any other quality. Just as appearance is what makes a man's heart go pitter-pat for a woman, self-confidence seems to be what makes a woman's heart go pitter-pat for a man. Other qualities may make a relationship strong and healthy over the long haul, but much of the initial chemistry seems to be built on these things. If self-image and self-confidence are the same thing, I think that strong self-image plays a huge part in success with the opposite sex, particularly mens' success with women.
Bill
Bill
Wait a gosh darn minute there! I signed up at that site two or three years ago and I don't consider myself "big"!! ;~P
It is? Do you assume that or does it just seem that way?
Shock #2: They rejected you? How did they tell you that and what excuse did they use? I am amazed they would turn away a paying customer.
These two things shock me. Shows how totally out of it I am!
I mean the fat that it is cooked in not the mixture.
The recipes I have seen or used for corn bread you heat oil in the tin first until the oil is boiling and then add the batter mixture to the very hot oil.
Whoops I meant to say 1/4 to 1/2 pint of mixture of water and milk which in Americans measures is 5 - 10 fluid oz for some reason when I type the figure one 2 also types, maybe I have spilled something on the keyboard.
Probably 8 fluid oz is about right but it all depends on egg size and how acurately you have weighed the flour.
If you do not have scales then about 10 tablespoons of
flour would probably be about 4 or 5 oz.
I will be interested to see if other offer suggestions for you I hesitate to offer my other thoughts as your circumstances are different to mine and also I feel some of my suggestions would not be helpful to you.
One comment I would make though I have worked with engineers all my working life and one thing I have noticed several of them have problems with relationships and dealing with people as people do not react the same to a given set of circumstances whereas metal, chemicals, oils, metal stresses etc etc they deal with each day and use mathematical calculations to solve the problems cannot be transferred to human emotions and needs.
Take care my friend and try to find what gives you peace in your life whether alone or with someone. At the end of the day be yourself.
I've never seen that. You can coat the pan with oil so the cornbread doesn't stick, but why on earth would you need boiling oil?
Plus, now there's cornbread mix. You just add an egg and some milk and throw it into a coated pan. Cornbread, the food of the gods, in a box for about 55 cents.: )
Thanks for clearing up the measurements. I might try it.
The reason for hot oil at the bottom is 3 fold from what I understand for both cornbread and Yorkshire pudding. It crisps the bottom of the pudding and also stops it sticking to the pan. The third and more complicated is how both of these recipes starts to cook the oil comes over the top of the mixture as you pour it in the pan and starts cooking before you put it in the oven.
Am taking photos of the steps of doing Yorkshire Pudding and will post on the thread later if they come out OK.
1-3) meh. (translation: relationship stuff is somewhere near the bottom of my priority list right now - just below ‘get an xbox 360’ and above ‘try the new peanut butter chocolate smoothie at the snack bar’)
4) I definitely think that bad self-image can cause relationship problems with anyone. I’m happy enough with myself that the remaining little stuff would take minimal effort to change and even then it’s simple like trimming my bangs or something. However, I have friends with massive self-image problems, and it honestly is annoying to be around a girl who’s 5’1 and about 100 lbs and always stressing about how her cookie will make her ‘so fat’ and she shouldn’t be eating it and OMG her microwaveable dinner contains 500 WHOLE calories! It’s really emotionally stressful to be around someone who’s that thin yet borderline anorexic and wind up worrying about her (cause she’s your friend and so you can’t not worry).
They never said why they rejected me. When I finished taking their survey, they just said that they appreciated my time but couldn't help me. They said that they have up to 20% of potential customers whose answers indicate that they won't fit. I appreciate that they did turn away me and my money rather than match me with women who would be wrong for me.
I was also shocked at the time. I had really hoped that e-Harmony would be the place where things would finally work for me.
Bill
It is sad when people do get hung up on weight the daughter of one our directors is a recovering anorexic and I have seen stressed out her parents have been. She dropped out of university and has only recently been able to hold down a job.
Yes sometimes I get cross with myself if I do overeat and know that for a few days I need to go a bit careful but in reality I know the reason I put weight on heavily a couple of years ago was other things going on in my life at the time and I comfort ate to a ridiculous extent not because I ate an extra biscuit or 2.
This is what I mean by a Yorkshire pudding tin. I transferred the batter to a jug for easy pouring and have added about a teaspoon of oil to the tin for each Yorkshire.
Close up of the oil in the pan
I then put the tin into oven until it was just bubbling, removed and added batter and as you can see oil comes over the mixture and starts to cook even before it gets to the oven.
Tonight's thoughts/questions
Yesterday I basically saying go easy on yourself learn to accept yourself and love yourself as until you do that you cannot help to love or be loved by otherone else and the chances of establing and keeping a relationship is remote. Tonight how about thinking along the same lines but this time for a prospective partner.
1) Would you consider someone as a partner who has a low self esteem?
2) One outward sign of someone who lacks confidence is being timid and being a bit of a doormat with no opinion. Would you consider having a relationship with someone like that. And how you answer this do you think differs between male and female?
3) Conversely would you consider a controlling and everything has to be done my way person for a partner. Often people with compulsive disorders can be like that. For example clothes have to put away in strict rows/colours with exact gap between them etc etc.
Of course I would. Having been there, I find that that type of person has never had any positive support from family figures nor their friends.
Positive support and positive attitudes will do wonders for one's self esteem...........
I think this focus on “loving yourself first” may be post-modern, narcissistic, psychobabble. Sorry, that is really blunt, but I think we may have been sold a bill of goods on many of life’s big questions.
I think you go out and have a great life and love others. Only then will you be able to love yourself. For many of us, only when we have children do we truly begin to understand love through our love for our children.
However, if we are talking about practicing normal, healthy, life-behaviors, and that is what is considered “loving one’s-self”, I can agree with that.
Yes that is what I mean and also accepting yourself and accepting what you can and cannot change about your self and situation.
What I mean by it is that someone who isn’t able to be happy in whatever life they currently have isn’t really ready for marriage.
Loving yourself as a child of God, trusting in Him, and working to live up to all that means isn’t narcissistic at all. And constantly blaming others and ourselves for our being alone or not having exactly what *we* think we should instead of living in the moment is recipe for trouble — and not something we should drag someone else into.
IMO.
And what you said, too.
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